I heard several gasps around me as I started to explain to them what happened. “This morning, I noticed a man who you later identified as Lorenzo Holt, sitting at the same table he sat at yesterday, but today I noticed he was reading a book but hadn’t turned any pages. I tried to reach out to him, but I couldn’t feel him. He had a barrier against me, so I confronted him. They’ve been watching. They followed us from base. They are after Hazel and Miranda, too.” I recalled something that Lorenzo said as I leaned forward. “He called her Miranda Cornwall-Allen. Is my birth mother married?” No one spoke, although I knew someone, maybe all of them knew, the answer. “I’ll wait,” I produced a container of bubbles and began to blow into the wand. Tiny bubbles erupted from it, and I began to pop them with my pointer finger.
Jaxson and Noah erupted in laughter, and I’m pretty sure I heard more people joining them in nervous laughter. It wasn’t everyday that anyone would dare to challenge these two powerful men.
“Blake,” Will said again with warning, before he looked over my shoulder. “This is your doing, Jaxson James.”
“This is my doing,” I insisted. “So, when was I going to be told that my birth mother has a husband? Is that why she’s clean?”
Will sighed once more as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. “We just found out this morning that one of her aliases got married and may have a three-year-old child.”
I felt like someone physically hit me. The air left my lungs. It sucked knowing that someone that never was in my life had the ability to hurt me. That she still had the ability to hurt me. I bet she never thought of me half as much as I thought of her.
“At least one of her eff ups had the ability to make her want to get clean and stay clean,” I said drolly. Then I turned to look at Kade. “Sorry bud, didn’t mean that you were an eff up. At least she did something right. She produced four great kids, no thanks to her. Can’t really count Bridgette in on that equation. Four out of five isn’t too bad, though, right? But was that nature or nurture? I mean, was it a bad gene or did Horatio make her that way?”
I knew I was rambling, and I knew I had to erect those barriers further. I didn’t want this audience to see how much she still affected me. “Jr. is at the book store. They killed the real employee so they could impersonate him. Joey is posing as a washing machine or magazine rack, who knows,” I shrugged. “Moe is at the library studying. Using a forcefield against him would be useless.”
I stood up, making my illusions disappear. “Oh yeah. I told Lorenzo to tell his boys to leave us alone. If they step out of line to kill them. I told him to forget our conversation, but just in case he tries to tip them off or let them know we’re onto them, he’s to find the tallest mountain and dive off of it. If he ever makes it back to Horatio, Horatio will me murdered by his left-hand man and it’s going to look like an accident. Kinda ironic isn’t it? He wanted to create me for world domination, and I will be the one that ends him.”
The room was filled with silence. I had to leave with style so I imagined a majestic white unicorn. She would have to be amazingly beautiful and tame. She’ll bow and want me to ride her. She appeared better than I imagined. I climbed up on her.
“Kade, the door please,” I said sweetly before I headed towards the door.
He rushed to open it as I heard my name being called at the same time I heard Will say firmly, “Jaxson James!”
The amazing thing about having a gift is the ability to use it when I wanted to. I knew I had only minutes before my guys came after me. Just as quickly as the unicorn appeared, I made her disappear and I was thankful that I
wore comfortable clothing and my tennis shoes. I took off at a run. I needed to run from the demons in my head, both figuratively and literally.
I needed to find a quiet place to lick my wounds. I didn’t want Remy to try and protect me, I didn’t need Noah or Jaxson trying to make me laugh, I didn’t need Jace’s steady strength, I didn’t need Troy’s poetic words, and I didn’t need Drake’s quiet understanding. I needed to get through this on my own. For now.
“Blake.” Their insistent voices came to me as I found the trail I spied behind our cabin. It looked like four wheelers and snowmobiles used it recently because the snow was packed down without being iced over yet.
“Not now, please,” I added quietly. “I need a breather.”
“You shouldn’t be alone,” Drake said with worry.
“Sorry, not right now,” I stated quietly before I shut them all out. I reached into my pocket remembering I had my ear buds in there and put them in my ear. I turned on my running playlist and pushed myself harder than I had in a long time. It didn’t take me long to realize that my tears were freezing on my face as I ran.
My dad had the greatest stories about my mom. He told me she had the kindest heart and was constantly trying to collect and heal the broken things. She sat with the kid that got bullied at school. She was the little girl that cried when she found the baby birds that fell out of their nest. She was easy to laugh and slow to anger. He had put her on this pedestal that I found myself trying to emulate for over twelve years of my life. And it was all lies! Maybe there was some truth in it, but who could separate the girl from the woman.
I understood the need to want the pain to go away. I understood carrying burdens that were not my own. In the darkest of your nights, you could be tempted to numb the agony. I struggled with her decision to have two of us with the intentions of getting more money for her lifestyle, like we were an item to be purchased off a shelf and returned when we weren’t needed. I don’t know why she chose to have Kade, Micah, and Alex but she made the choices to walk away each time. She should have realized her quest for the next high or the next whim left at least four of us broken in her self-destructive path.
Every time I thought I had a better understanding of who I was, someone else came in with a sledge hammer, shattering my reality once again. It was a daily struggle for me to just live because of what Heidi and her boyfriends put me through. It was hard knowing my father was really my uncle. It was devastating to know my biological father was a monster. It was shocking to know my mother was alive. It was heartbreaking knowing what my siblings went through because of her. It was overwhelming knowing that she lived happily for at least the past three years with yet another sibling of mine.
Slowly but surely, I tried to shed the hurt and anger. I needed to stop letting her have so much power over me. She had so much power over my happiness. I was happy, and she didn’t deserve that power over me. I had a lot to live for with or without her in my life. I had six men that loved me, even if they all hadn’t confessed their love for me yet. I had four siblings that adored me and I adored them. Without her screw ups, I would have never had them. At least we had that going for us.
I had a father figure in my life that was patient, understanding, and treated us all as his own. I wasn’t magically healed or magically better, but I had to stop the darkness spreading. I could dwell on the bad or I could look for the good. I chose to look for the good.
I wasn’t naive or delusional to believe I was still going to struggle with it from time to time, but I needed to put it in perspective. I needed to keep walking forward and stop looking back. I had a lot of reasons to look forward and zero reasons to look back.
I don’t know how long I ran but I was out of breath and my face and hands were numb. I looked around realizing I must have left the trail and was now on a quiet country road. I pulled my hat further down over my ears and pulled my thermal face shield up over my mouth and nose. I saw plumes of smoke in the distance from a chimney. I inhaled the pleasant smell. I put my hands on my hips, desperate to catch my breath. My legs were jelly. I looked around and saw a street sign not too far away. I started to walk to it so I knew exactly where I was. The sign read Sugarstick, I snorted. Where did they come up with some of these street names? Or paint colors? Who got paid to do that kind of job? My random thoughts had me laughing to myself.
I looked around and noticed I must have chosen a street with little to no houses. There were a lot of trees, but no nearby mailboxes. I looked right, then left, and then shrugged; right it was. My breathing was back to normal by the time I reached the first mail box. Large gold numbers, 2051 were on the sign post. The actual mail box was a fairy sitting on a toadstool. The door was in the stem. I couldn’t resist smiling at the whimsical mail box.
I’m better now. Can someone come pick me up? I’m near 2051 Sugarstick Rd. I sent my thoughts to the guys silently.
On our way, was the immediate response.
I continued to walk. I was curious. Trees completely covered the house. Maybe if I walked far enough I could get a glimpse of it. I finally saw the house and wasn’t disappointed. It was a beautiful A-frame house with windows galore. I decided to see if there were other houses on this road just as picturesque. It was some time before I had any indication of another house. I nearly passed the faded green and rusted out mail box. It had seen better days and nearly lie on the ground. I wondered if it was an abandoned parcel of land because the trees were denser here and I saw no signs of a house.