No One But You

My little boy.

I wanted to break everything around me so that my brokenness fit.

I was furious at life for taking my baby, and he was happy to move on. He wanted to carry on like it had never happened.

I was angry at myself for not being aware of what had happened inside my own body.

Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference like everyone liked to point out. But I should’ve known when it happened. I should’ve felt it.

I should’ve felt my little boy’s heart stop.

I hadn’t.

I didn’t.

What kind of mother doesn’t realise that their child is gone?

Jamie

“Listen Jamie, I need you to be there. I know you’re a busy guy and all, but please, just be there before it starts.”

“Listen Jenna, I’m in theatre for the next six hours at the very least. Can you call me back after? I know this is important. I won’t miss it. Not for the world.”

What people don’t tell you about divorce is that it’s not just messy and difficult…it’s a political war field. Everything has to be said carefully to keep the “peace”.

“You’ve said that before.”

“Yeah, well, please forgive me if I think that saving someone’s life is more important than a ballet recital in which our daughter is the fucking tree.”

“Don’t be an ass. You told her you would be there. You promised her, don’t break it. It’s a big day.”

How ironic…promises and big days.

“You want to talk about promises and sticking to them?” I grabbed my wallet out of my inside coat pocket and touched my credit card to the reader as I got out of the black cab and nodded my thanks to the driver. “Speaking of big days when’s the wedding again?”

“You know what Jamie? I don’t have time for your shaming shit today.”

“Fine. Let me talk to her.” I heard her calling for Molly in a strained and riled yell.

There had been a time that I really loved Jenna. Or at least I thought I did. There had also been a time when I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with her. Until she fucked my best mate. My best man.

Turns out that a piece of paper doesn’t mean shit, much less promises and feelings. There was only one good thing that came out of our short-lived marriage…

“Daddy!”

“Hey munchkin. Are you ready for your big moment?”

“I’m a tree, daddy.” Her disappointment cut me in two, and suddenly I felt guilty for making it sound like it wasn’t a big deal—even if she was just a tree.

Honestly, I just liked to point those things out to annoy Jenna. She had a massive stick lodged up her arse. She wanted perfection in everything. Trouble was, I wasn’t perfect and much like me, our daughter wasn’t exactly what she’d hoped either. Not that she ever said anything, or even hinted at being disappointed with who our daughter had taken after.

That apple didn’t fall too far from this tree.

“You know, trees are a big deal…”

“Not like princesses.”

“Baby, you are a princess. You’re my princess, and I promise I’ll be there in the front row. I love you Molls.”