No One But You

“Pinkie promise, baby.” I offered her my little finger and she hooked hers around it in an enthusiastic shake.

I’d spent most of the day talking myself out of banging down their door. I knew that we weren’t exactly the most communicative of families. For obvious reasons. I mean, our whole dynamic was edging on ridiculous. But something like this? Something this big needed fair warning. If I was taken aback by this news, I had no idea how hard it was hitting Pippa and when Jamie found out it was going to get downright messy.

I had to give it to Richard though, he didn’t do things by half. He’d gotten me pregnant within months of losing our first child and then he’d left me, and now he’d knocked Jenna up and booked a wedding date. He was all about the go big or go home. Except he never really did come back home to me.

If it weren’t for the fact that my little girl was clearly upset, I probably wouldn’t have cared as much. People move on. Life evolves.

Except, moving on wasn’t always so black and white. There was a grey area where the pain and resentment made it difficult to see him building a new life so easily with someone else. Our demise wasn’t based on just his infidelity or my lack of feelings toward him, although that was a big part of it, there were other factors. Like my depression and my grief, and his inability to care enough to just wait. In the end that was the problem. He was too ready to carry on, when I was still floundering in the quicksand behind him.

Jenna was never to blame for our bitter break up. She came afterwards, her betrayal was to her husband—my friend—not me. So, surprisingly the news didn’t upset me as such, if anything I was happy that they were actually serious because in a way it made all the pain and anger worth something. It added a deeper hue to that grey area.

But the reality was that they needed to be careful with the con

versations they were having when the girls were around.

If it had been Molly having that conversation with Jamie after the last four weeks, he would’ve completely lost it. Especially with what had happened with the house. I still couldn’t believe that Jenna had expected him to just hand her the deeds to their home and walk away like he didn’t have any entitlement.

In the end Richard put up the money for Jamie’s share and essentially bought him out of his own home. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to sign my home over to Jenna, regardless of whether she’d paid for it or not. Part of the reason I hadn’t sold my house was because of all the memories I’d made within its walls. They’d seen so much of my love, happiness and even my pain. They’d been my hiding place, my shelter and my haven.

I hadn’t expected dad to sign the house over to me as a wedding present. It had been a part of our family for over three centuries. I had grown up running up and down those stairs, playing hide and seek with Phillip in those rooms.

Over time the pain had tainted those memories and a part of me kept asking why I still stayed. There were days I woke up and I could feel the pain strangling me, then there were others where I didn’t feel any of the darkness until I went past the room that had encapsulated so much of my grief.

I looked out of Pippa’s door and my heart squeezed at the now grey walled room and wondered whether I would’ve kept the walls pale blue. Whether we would’ve added stickers or maybe a mural. What the house would feel like with two kids running around rather than just Pippa playing in her room. I wondered if mum would sleep in one of the kids’ rooms or if she would sleep in the guest suite. Would she still be capable of keeping up with three grandchildren rather than just Daniel and Pippa?

Of course she would.

I got Pippa’s small weekend bag ready. Not that she needed one, Richard and Jenna had made sure that she had a place with them just as much as she did with me.

I text her dad to let him know I’d pick her up from school and drop her off at Jenna’s. Tonight was his last night on and our daughter’s first night with him. She’d spend the next four nights and then mum would pick her up from school on Tuesday before I got home from my second day back at work. It seemed pointless to have her stay at their house when he wasn’t even there, but I was certain that it was so Philippa got used to and familiar with Jenna as a mother figure when I wasn’t there.

Just admitting that, just that thought had me on the verge of hyperventilating. There were times when I got scared that she’d lessen the bond between me and Pippa. That she’d take my place, but at the end of the day she would always be my little girl.

I had carried her and nursed her. I had stayed up all night with her when she was sick, and I had kissed all her hurts better. Nothing would ever change or erase that.

The cab ride to the school was quick for a Friday afternoon. I ended up having to wait almost twenty minutes for the gates to open and then all the nannies and au pairs rushed the entrance like Harrods had a BOGOF promotion at their Louboutin concession.

I ended up making small talk with one of the mum’s I frequently bumped into during Sunday Mass.

Mass was really just another added cost to sending Pippa to one of the best Prep schools in London, that just so happened to be Catholic.

By the time we’d left the school grounds the car lined streets were back to their dual carriage width and there were only a few other parents walking along with their little ones.

I listened to every little detail of Pippa’s day as we walked hand in hand to her favourite coffee shop. She told me how Molly had gotten an award for advancing on her Violin grade and how Daniel had got into a fight with an older boy because his sister was picking on her.

I thumbed off a text to Dorian to go easy on him. I knew that Mr. Headley would’ve called her in to explain to her just why fighting was against the school code of conduct. He probably also shoved their in everything we do today, we follow Jesus and his way moto down her throat for good measure. Basically, he loved the sound of his own voice. He also loved to make single or divorced parents feel like they were less than the wholesome families.

Anyway, I hoped that she didn’t berate the poor boy for sticking up for his younger cousin.

I always took Pippa for cake and hot chocolate before dropping her off at her dad’s. It was my way of showing her that I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to spoil her and make her feel special so that she didn’t feel like I was just dumping her on her dad.

That was a real fear of mine, that she would think I was leaving her with Richard and Jenna so I could go off and have fun without her. The idea that she might think I was trying to palm her off on her dad made me nervous.

By the time we got to Richard’s house it was starting to get dark. The door swung open before we even got halfway up the front steps and a very excited Molly jumped up and down on the top step, already home from her violin lesson, wearing a bright pink tutu, rainbow striped tights and a blinding yellow top with a smiling daisy on it that was sure to brighten any crappy early October evening. That was definitely a Jamie outfit. He always let Molly pick what she wanted to wear and compared to some of her other ensembles today’s was pretty tame.

He came out of the house to drag her back in as we got to the door. He twirled Pippa and pushed both of the girls through the threshold. I honestly hadn’t expected him to be there. After the confrontations between him and Richard, I thought he’d drop Molly off at the door and leave.

“You alright?” He pulled me in for a hug and kissed my temple.