No One But You

“Oh! Can they be glittery too?”

“Whatever you want.”

I should’ve never suggested shopping. I should’ve never gone into the Christmas shop. Pippa clearly had a problem understanding human anatomy. We only had four hands between us, three really because both of hers could hardly hold the same as one of mine. Yet she was still intent on dragging me around the shops. It was a week before Christmas the West End wasn’t just busy, it was chock-a-block. The toy store had just as big a queue to leave as it did to go in. I was beginning to lose my rag with people too. Why is it that common manners went out of the window? Oh, and since when was it okay to trample a child?

I stopped in front of a trendy coffee shop and wedged the door open with my foot. “Pippa, I think we should sit and have a coffee. Maybe call for reinforcements?”

“We’ve barely bought anything.” She looked down at our hands like I was some crazy person.

“You pretty much bought out the Christmas shop. I have no idea where you’re going to hang all these ballerinas.”

“It’s going to be okay, mummy. You just have to trust me.” I actually wanted to laugh. Trust her? Who in their right mind trusted a six-year-old girl obsessed with ballerinas?

“Maybe once I’ve had a coffee.” I ushered her to the table closest to the serving counter and left her to look at all her ballerinas whilst I ordered our drinks and her Gingerbread man. The smile on her face as she looked over the ornaments was enough to make my sore hands feel renewed.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket as I waited for our drinks to be ready. It was mid-afternoon and I felt like I was ready to call it a day. Jamie was probably just leaving the hospital. Ever since they’d brought Jack out of the coma and moved him to the normal Paediatrics ward he seemed to be in better spirits. Obviously not much had changed, but the swelling had gone down and the Chemo seemed to be working. Probably not the way he’d hoped, but some improvement is better than no improvement at all.

I picked up our tray of drinks and took it back to our table. Pippa had emptied all three bags from the Christmas shop and was now organising their contents back into them. She clearly had a feather bag and a glitter one, the other seemed to be reserved for the colourful ornaments. I put her hot chocolate in front of her with her biscuit. I was waiting for her to complain that it wasn’t a babycino, but she just kept organising her decorations.

“Come on, drink up.” I pushed the drink right under her nose and took over putting our purchases away. “Are you ready to go after this?”

“What about dinner?”

“I thought that maybe we could have a nice glitter bath and maybe even do one of those Unicorn face masks you like. We can order a Chinese and watch a film?”

She looked up at me like I’d forgotten something important. “What about Jamie?”

“Don’t you want to have a girls’ night in? Just you, me and our Mickey PJs?”

“I suppose that sounds okay.” Okay? Really? I was offering her glitter unicorn face masks and a bubble bath, and she thought it was just okay.

I was beginning to feel guilty for not being more aware. There was so much going on that I was starting to miss things, letting them slip through my fingers. That was why dating hadn’t been a thing in the last six years. And before that I’d only ever been with Richard. I’d never gotten the chance to dip my toes in different waters because most guys had been wary of Phillip. The one time I came close to even going on a date back in college my brother had managed to scare the guy off, just like Jamie had done with anyone that came sniffing around Willow and Dorian. It was the stupidest set up they had going with their network of sibling spies.

The last few weeks I’d wondered what Phillip would do if he was around. Would he react to me and Jamie the same as he had to me and Richard? He didn’t talk to us for over a month, and then he only broke his silence to threaten his friend. It was funny really because Richard had never been the type to sleep around even when we were at Uni and he was surrounded by girls. Girls never quite knew what to make of him and his quirks. It was ironic considering that after we got married he struggled to keep it in his pants. Not that I was aware, I only clocked on after everything fell to shit. At least he was careful enough not to bring any nasties home with him. I was also grateful that in the end he left me with one precious thing—Philippa.

My little girl that seemed to be not just out of sorts but completely bewildered. She looked like there was way too much going on for her to understand or even make heads or tails of. Even though I was fuming furious mad at the level of animosity in the school playground, I knew that a lot of her apprehension was stemming from the situation between me, Richard, Jamie and Jenna. Even I was having trouble getting my head around our whole dynamic. If I was an outsider looking in I wouldn’t know what to make of us because we weren’t just a dysfunctional family, we’d taken that a whole lot further. And it shouldn’t have mattered what outsiders thought or what they thought they knew, but it did. When Jamie started that conversation about making plans. About a future. It felt like the rightest thing. Natural. But as soon as I left his place and the outside world surrounded me…it was like my blinkers were removed and I could see out of our bubble.

I wanted to be with him. There was no one on this earth that knew me like him. He knew all the positives, all the faults and flaws, and he still wanted me. Not to mention that every time my eyes landed on him I wanted to do nothing more than jump his bones. I felt like a teenager all over again. But therein was the problem—we weren’t, we had responsibilities. It wasn’t just us and the future ahead. We had two kids that needed our attention and devotion. Our jobs were consuming in every possible way. It felt like the

re was so much pulling us in every possible direction that it made it difficult to see how we could hold us together.

I wanted to make plans with him. I wanted to be with him. But what you want and what you get are two very different things. That was something I was well versed in.

Jamie

I always found wrapping presents a waste of time. Even if my idea of wrapping was what others might consider more as scrunching paper around the gift. What can I say? Santa’s elves are busy little things. Of course, now that the girls were older I did put more effort in, or at least used more tape. There was a distinct difference between the pile that I’d wrapped and the pile that Willow and Jake had artfully done themselves. Although my pile was definitely bigger than theirs.

Quincy had dropped off her presents a couple of days ago and just like that we were a few days away from Christmas. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited. I was also shitting my pants because what was meant to be a just us and the girls day had become an us, the girls and the rest of the family day. So now we were essentially hosting Christmas for both of our families. Yep, I was definitely bricking it. Mum had an inability to keep her thoughts to herself, which meant that at some point she was bound to say something completely inappropriate to Quincy. Not that she wasn’t used to it but now that we were an item I knew that certain things would land differently in her ears, and neither of our mothers knew what reserved meant when they were together. I was definitely shitting it.

The only people missing were Jenna and Richard and that for sure was not happening, although according to Dorian it was a future possibility. I wouldn’t hold my breath on it though.

I could still hear her nagging just remember what’s best for the girls. I’m pretty sure the best wasn’t being in a room with both of your parents glaring at each other.

“Earth to Jamie? Oi, Dickhead!” Jake hollered as I just about dodged the roll of cellotape tape careening at my head.

“What the fuck? I heard you.” I reached for the tape roll and threw it back at him. “I swear to God, you’re such a fucking twat.”

He shrugged as he folded the wrapping paper flap over the side of the rectangular gift and taped it down. “Yeah, well so are you.” He put the present neatly on top of the others. “So now that Quincy’s choking your salami what’s the pla—”