Burn (Virtues & Lies 1)

Leo

Pouring the cold coffee down the toilet sink, I take another look in the mirror and find guilt starring back at me. I shouldn’t have gone to that party; I should’ve stayed in London with Kit. It would’ve been the best thing to do by everyone, but the temptation was too much, I was too busy chasing tail to look out for my brother. Now we have no idea if he’s going to make it.

Had I listened to him we might not be here right now. Unable to look at myself anymore, I throw the coffee cup into the bin beside the vanity before I wash my face once more. But it doesn’t matter how many times I wash my hands and my face and how many times I wish I had done today differently…nothing changes.

All I can do is hope and pray that Kit doesn’t die. That he makes it past surgery and that I have a chance to take back the harsh words I left him with.

“Son…” Gritting my teeth is all I can do not to break at the gravely tone of my grandfather’s voice. “Your mother needs you.”

Grandad has been like a father to me, he picked up the pieces after my father broke everything. He took care of us when he could’ve washed his hands clean. Francis aside, I think he’s the only other person that understands why I can’t walk away from this road I’m on.

“I just need a moment.”

“I told you to be careful. I told you not to trust anyone. It’s the one thing I’ve drilled into you.”

He’s right, it is the one thing he’s always preached. But I don’t understand why he’s saying this now. The truth is, I don’t need him to hammer the guilt any deeper, I can do that myself.

“I know.” Brushing my hands over my face I turn to him and head for the toilet door. “How could he do this to his own son?”

When I was a child, I’d wish I had a different dad at least once a day. That was before I found out what Lucian Fairfax was capable of, after that I wished he’d drop dead, now I want nothing more than to kill him myself.

“I don’t know,” walking slowly beside me, Grandad squeezes my shoulder.

“I hope he burns in hell for all his sins.”

“Careful what you wish for, son, in the end we’ll all burn for one reason or another.” Stopping me before we get back to the waiting room, he says, “The biggest sin is love, the things people do for it…” He shakes his head, his narrowed eyes glance inside the room where my mother is still in tears and Penny is trying to console her, along with Wayne.

Wayne is pretty much a Sinclair, he and Francis go way back. There is nothing they won’t do for each other. To protect each other. It’s why Wayne’s the only person Francis trusts with his family’s lives. The fact that he and my mother are together makes us family too.

“Love makes the wisest of men do stupid, reckless things. Love always leads to loss, my boy. Never be afraid to love, but never forget that trust is for the weak.”

That’s the gospel according to Kinsley Fairfax.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“I’m reminding you of what I’ve always told you, Leo. There’s always a game in play and trusting people is asking for disappointment. Be careful of who or what you chose to love, it’ll be what makes or breaks you.” Slipping his hands into the pockets of his navy chinos, he walks into the room, leaving me to ponder his words as I take in every person in that room.

Mum looks up at me and I can’t hold her gaze for fear of what I’ll see in the depth of her green eyes. So I sit in one of the chairs by the door and stare at the grey and green speckled floor. There’s nothing I can do for her or Kit and it’s killing me, because I would do whatever I could to fix this.

I would have avoided that party and stayed with Kit.

But then you would never have gotten a taste of her.

The voice resounds inside me and I have no idea if it’s in my head or my chest, maybe it’s everywhere because every part of me yearns for more of Cassandra. Like a forbidden fruit, a taste of her will never be enough, and I knew that from the moment I laid eyes on her.

And now I’m sitting here not knowing how to stifle my thoughts of her so I can just let myself drown in my guilt. She’s like this light that illuminates all my darkness and even though I want to tell myself that after today I’m not going near her anymore, I can’t.

Rubbing my hands on my thighs I peer up at Mum, and when her warm smile greets me, shame floods me again. She has no idea how much of a cunt I was to Kit, if she did, she’d tell me to leave.

Getting up from her seat, she wipes her eyes. Her tall frame is hunched, and it doesn’t matter that she’s trying really hard to collect herself, she looks just as sad and melancholy as some of the old paintings she restores and conserves at the gallery.

When she sits beside me her head rests on my shoulder and she sighs, like I’m offering her hope or something.

“What was it about?” she asks, stroking my forearm with her hand. Comforting her is just another thing I’ve failed at. “What was your fight about?”

With wide eyes and an askance tilt of her head, she gives me that look that makes me want to spill my guts.

Shaking my head, I close my eyes as the itchy sting intensifies. “I was a dick.”