“Yeah.” Oddly, it’s what’s kept me sane.
Sitting on the edge of the bed beside me, he rests his hand over my arm, stroking along my wrist while we wait for the doctor to get back.
I thought Casper would be more on edge, but he seems so calm as the silence vibrates around us. It should be awkward, but I like that he’s not overcompensating with chitter-chatter. If anything, it makes me shuffle closer to him, my head leaning on the outside of his thigh.
“Right, are we ready?” the doctor asks, walking back into the room.
After folding a paper cloth over the top of my leggings, he squirts the semi-warmed gel generously over my belly. I have to ball my hands so I don’t visibly shudder because it still feels cold.
“It will warm up in no time,” the doctor tells me while he spreads the goop with his probe, applying enough pressure that when he goes over my bladder, I worry that I might pee myself. “Okay, we have a face, but your little one is covering it with their hands.”
When he turns the large screen on the wall opposite us, my heart goes mental. All I can see is the tiniest hand, but it’s enough to make me giddy.
“Do you know what you’re having?”
“No,” Casper and I both answer at the same time.
I find his hand and squeeze it, trying not to become overwhelmed by this moment. It’s so crazy that in the midst of the storm we’re living, we have this thing that we did together. Accident or not, we made this other human. It’s sort of awing.
“Would you like to?”
Casper looks down at me with a shrug as though it’s entirely my decision, but he has that look in his eyes that betrays his cool. He likes to be prepared, to know what’s coming. It’s who he is. And he has given me today, which I know isn’t easy for him. It’s my turn to give him something back.
“Yes.”
“Okey-dokey.” The doctor runs the probe around the side of my tummy a few times before he puts it down and starts pushing around my bump.
“Is everything okay?”
Casper stands abruptly, his hand squeezing my shoulder while casting a glare at the doctor.
“Yes, everything is fine. I want to move your baby so that the arms and legs loosen. At the minute we can’t see anything except for hands, knees, and tummy.” He pauses once the baby starts moving, and I can just imagine how pissed it is because it’s how I feel when Casper likes to wake me up.
“I’m sorry, that was probably very uncomfortable, but…” He rounds the probe again and smiles. “There we go.”
I look up at Casper, and he looks down at me, the pair of us confused because we have no idea what we’re looking at.
“Umm…” Casper sits back down beside me.
With a knowing laugh, the doctor explains, “That’s the bottom there, and if you follow it up, there’s no scrotum.”
“It’s a girl?” Casper stares up at the screen all wide-eyed, and it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him resemble something other than dark and fierce or troubled. For once we’re on the same footing.
“You’re having a girl,” the doctor confirms, and as he moves the probe a little he adds, “She’s a bit small, but her limbs are long. The head looks good too.”
The picture zooms out, and I’m so bewildered that tears flow freely down my temples. For the first time since I took the pregnancy test, I feel something other than worry or dread. I can’t wait to hold her and make sure that she knows how wonderful she is. I want to give her the world, and I know that I will be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
Then it dawns on me how hard this must be for Casper because of everything that happened to his niece. Arabella was about the same gestation as me when it all happened, and I can just imagine all the thoughts running through his head.
Lacing my fingers with his, I draw his hand to my lips, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. He tightens his hold, and all the while I watch him take in everything the doctor is saying and showing us.
My heart aches for him while at the same time it burns with all the love I have inside of me for him and for her. They’re all I have. They’re my world. And I know without a doubt that I will do whatever it takes to make them happy and keep them safe. No matter what.
Chapter 7
CASPER
There’s a weight in my chest I can’t shake. Of all the thoughts that have run through my mind since I found out about the baby, not one was of my daughter morphing into my niece. Not until an hour ago. I don’t know what to do to clear that thought because the only memory going around my head is of Christopher holding his tiny baby as I took their photo.