A choked sob came from Knox’s throat. He began to pace faster, but he said nothing and refused to look at me.
I hugged myself and sniffed as more tears fell. “When you finally broke free, you stabbed all three of them in return to get them off you, killing two in the process. And then, after the threat was over, you collapsed. The guards found you some time later, but you were so bad off they thought you were already dead. And the only thing you said to them was...my name.”
“Son of a bitch.” He swung out and punched the wall again. “I thought they said they didn’t watch everything.”
“Mason did, I guess.”
He glanced at me, his eyes swirling with anger. “Fucking bastard. I’m going to—”
“No.” I said, my voice quiet. “I asked them to tell me. Demanded to know what they’d seen. This isn’t on them.”
“Jesus, City. Why the hell did you have to know so bad? Why?”
I shook my head. “I just...had to know.”
“No, you fucking didn’t. I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to ever have to deal with shit like this. It’s too ugly and—”
“I don’t care. Good or bad, it’s a part of you. And you’re a part of me. I had to know.”
His shoulders slumped as defeat crossed his features. Falling to his knees on the floor across the room from me, he withered. I thought he was going to cry, too, but he only gritted his teeth until his face went purplish red.
“Don’t you get it?” he rasped. “This is exactly why I’ve been pushing you away since I got out. Because you’re not a part of me any longer. Hell, I’m not even a part of me. I’m just some wasted shell of space who won’t stop breathing. And I can do nothing but hurt you. There’s this stain on me. I’ll never get it out. It takes control and I just get...I get so fucking mad. I want to destroy everything around me. I thought maybe I could tame it, but no. Christ, ju
st look what I’ve done.” He motioned to the dent in the wall. “I’ll never be the Knox either of us knew. And we both have to deal with the fact that he’s gone. For good.”
“No.” I shook my head. “That doesn’t have to be the case. You might have grown and changed, but, Knox—” When I started to stand and reach for him, he lifted his hand and shouted, “He’s dead, goddamn it. That Knox is dead!”
Alarmed by the outburst, I slapped my rump back on the couch.
After taking a moment to control my shuddery breaths, I nodded. “Well...at least now I know why you have continued to push me away, and I don’t blame you at all. You never would’ve had to go through any of that if you’d never gotten mixed up with me. I would hate me right now if I were you, too.”
“How many times do I have to tell you,” he growled from between clenched teeth, “I never hated you. I never blamed you. If anything, it was the memory of you that helped me survive the worst times.”
My heart sang as I pressed my hands against the swelling hope in my chest. “Well, you don’t need a memory anymore, Knox. I’m here, in the flesh, and I’m more than willing to keep helping you through this.”
But he shook his head. “No way. My head is too fucked up. I don’t want you to have to—”
“I don’t care what’s in your head, damn it.” My voice rose with my frustration. “We have the rest of our lives to deal with that. It’s what’s in your heart that concerns me. And I know you still have feelings for me. Why do you keep fighting that?”
“Because it’s what’s in my fists that concerns me,” he roared, raising his balled hands to show me how his knuckles had cracked open and bled after hitting the wall. “Just one swing of these things, City, and I could kill you.”
I rose to my feet, and something in my calm, self-assured expression made uncertainty flicker in his eyes. He lurched to his feet as well.
With my first step forward, he took one in reverse. “What’re you doing?”
I shook my head, not even sure myself. “You’re not swinging your fists now,” I said.
He skidded backward some more, lifting his hands to ward me off. “Don’t fucking touch me,” he snapped, desperation making his brown eyes wild and glassy.
His intimidation tactic worked. I jerked to a stop, sucking in a surprised breath. Then I let out a growl at my own stupidity because I knew—I knew—he wouldn’t have hurt me if I’d ignored his request, if I’d just reached out and smoothed my fingers over his cheek.
It felt as if I was in the worst predicament of my life, and I’d just lost my one chance to do the right thing. Now I had no idea what to do. I was torn between wringing his neck for being so stubborn and hugging the hell out of him because he’d gone through hell. Except I’d blown my opportunity to touch him.
So I just stood there like an idiot and started to cry again.
He let out a pained sound and squeezed his eyes closed. “Stop it. Stop it right now.”
“Stop what?” I hiccupped. “Stop crying?”