She touches the pager I hadn’t noticed on her hip. That’s when I spot something else I hadn’t noticed. A huge engagement ring.
Shit. I’m deluding myself. This thing I’ve been chasing in my dreams, this connection I even told my mom about, it’s all in my head and all on my side. Her eyes follow mine to the ring on her finger.
“August,” she whispers. “I can ex—”
“Guess I better get back in there, huh?” I cut over her harshly, addressing Sylvia.
“We are ready to start,” Sylvia says uncertainly. “The kids are coming into the rec r
oom now.”
“Good.” Without looking at Iris again, I head up the hall and into the rec room.
I’m an idiot. It’s complicated? No, it’s simple. She had his baby. She’s wearing his ring. She’s going to marry him. The sooner I get that through my thick skull, the better. I’ve lost enough pining over a girl who belongs to someone else. I’ve lost sleep and precious time.
I grimace at the pain arrowing up my leg from overuse today. I may have lost my career, my future, for something that doesn’t exist. I’m going to shut down my disappointment and anger, board up my heart long enough to get through this talk, and then I’ll put this fantasy away for good. I glance at the walls, plastered with motivational sayings and photos of famous role models. The community center has barely changed from when I balled here as a kid. The paint peels from the wall in places, and the hoops in the gym have seen better days. The best thing to dispose of a fantasy is a dose of reality, and this community will always remind you of what’s real.
My family was middle class. My mom was a teacher and once my stepfather retired from the military, he was in sales. My home life was stable, but I was always trying to find my place. I felt like a cog that didn’t fit in any wheel. A stray puzzle piece.
The best ballers in the city played pick-up games here. I wanted to be challenged and stretched, so I played here, too. I didn’t expect to find lost pieces of myself on these courts; of the culture my father would have shared with me had he lived.
Basketball helped me find my place. Not number thirty-three, point guard, basketball champion, or All-American player. Those things aren’t who I am. I’m more than that. This place helped make me more than that.
I compartmentalize, swallow the emotion seeing Iris’s ring spurred in me, and look around the room, wall to wall with young faces—mostly black and brown. I remember what it was like to grow up here; the quest I was on, searching for my identity; feeling caught between worlds and comfortable nowhere. Many of these kids are struggling, too. Maybe not because they’re biracial and wondering how to categorize themselves, but struggling to reconcile the harsh realities of their lives with the vastness of their dreams—with their impossible ambitions. I understand dreaming dreams that are too big and chasing a life that most never catch. Against all odds, I have that life and am living that dream.
“I’m not here to tell you how to become a professional basketball player,” I start without preamble. “There are no guarantees, and most likely, none of you ever will make it to the NBA.”
A few faces fall at this bit of reality, but I have their attention. With middle-schoolers, that’s most of the battle. Iris walks in and takes a place at the back with the other two women here volunteering. Her sad eyes meet mine, but this time I look away. I’m not getting caught in that trap again.
“Even guys, and girls,” I say with a smile at a few of the young ladies on the front row, “who have the talent don’t always make the cut. Basketball is not the point. Dreaming is the point.”
I risk the briefest glance in Iris’s direction, and even with her shadowed eyes, she’s the brightest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“I know what it’s like to want something you’ll probably never have.” Our eyes hold for the briefest moment before I tear mine away. “I understand the disappointment of someone saying you’ll never be able to. Dream of something else. There are too many things that say you can’t, so I’m here to say you can. Can what?”
I shrug, turning the corners of my mouth down. “Can whatever.” I point to my leg. “How many of you saw the game when I went down?”
Hands go up. Sympathetic grimaces cross several faces.
“Yeah, it was tough. Something I worked for my whole life felt like it might be over in an instant. I’ve spent the time since my surgery reconciling myself to that possibility. What if basketball was over for me?”
I scan the rapt faces, finding an answering hunger and curiosity in so many.
“If that happens, I’m not gonna front like I wouldn’t be messed up, because I would be.” I pause for them to laugh, giving them a smile, too. “But I found my place here in this community center, at Saturday pick-up games, in summer league, and camps. This place, more than any other, taught me to reach for something more. I know things aren’t always great at home. I know things don’t always make sense at school. I even know that sometimes, you want to quit, because I wanted to a million times.”
I slant them a wry grin. “Sometimes I still do, but I won’t ever. This place taught me that. The counselors here and the students—the other dreamers.” I point through the door and squint one eye. “My mom’s house is about ten miles that way. This city is my home. I sat exactly where you’re sitting years ago listening to someone tell me I could do whatever I wanted to do, even though my dream was unlikely.”
I lift my leg a little, lift my jeans, making sure they can all see the Aircast. “I’ve decided I’m coming back stronger and faster than ever. I’ve decided I’ll return sooner than everyone thinks I can and better than they expect me to be,” I say. “While I was lying on my back with these pins in my leg and everyone speculating about my future, I decided that I wouldn’t give up hope. Hope is the gap between what if and what is, but you have to fill that gap with a lot of hard work. And that’s what we’re going to talk about this week. Hope. Dreams. Work.”
I glance at my watch and then to the pizzas Iris and the other two women are setting up at the back of the room. “I think your lunch is here. My time’s up for today, but if you wanna talk, I’ll be here for a few minutes while the food is being served.”
I’m signing autographs and talking to the kids who gather around after my talk. I give them my full attention but sense Iris’s eyes on me every once in a while. It’s a heady feeling to be in the same room with her for this long, something I’ve wanted so I could test these sensations and see if they hold up under normal wear and tear. Now, it doesn’t matter. Once she’s another man’s wife, these feelings aren’t to hold up, but to be put down. And I’ll start doing that today as ruthlessly as I’d approach an opponent on court. Only the opponent is me, because the stubborn part of me that never let me give up on my dream of playing in the NBA doesn’t want me to give up on her either.
Sylvia and I are walking toward the exit, reviewing plans for the week. I’ll talk, share some drills with those who play basketball, though I’m limited in what I can physically do, and participate in a beautification project in one of the rec rooms.
We’re wrapping up when Iris calls my name.
She’s walking toward us, her daughter on her hip. This isn’t fair. Both of them? If you ever want a man to keep dreaming, give him a glimpse of what could be.