“Shut the hell up. If you’ve met Iris, you know she’s not like that.”
“She seemed like a nice girl. Driven. Bright. Sharp. I wanted her on my team,” Jared admits. “That doesn’t mean she’s not trouble.”
“Well if she’s trouble, it’s trouble I want to get into,” I tell him, defiance in the look I level at him from the passenger seat. “She made sure I knew she wasn’t engaged for a reason. She doesn’t want me to give up.”
“But you should.”
“But I won’t.” I shake my head. “You don’t get it.”
“What I get is that because of your preoccupation with Caleb’s baby mama, your leg is broken, your career is up in the air, your team may trade your ass, and everything you’ve worked for your whole life is in jeopardy. For some pussy.”
“It’s not like that. She—”
“Oh, so you don’t want to fuck her?”
Of course, I want to fuck her. What am I? A eunuch?
“Not just that.” I try to stop it, but my lips twitch at the corners.
“It’s not funny,” Jared says, but when I look over at him, his lips are twitching, too. We both give in and chuckle.
It gets quiet while we zip through the familiar streets. So many Saturdays through the years he brought me to the community center in his beat-up Camry. We talked about my farfetched dream of playing in the NBA. Of him managing the biggest names in sports. Of how we’d sit on top of the world together.
Now, we’re in his Porsche. I’m a baller, a brand with one of the highest-selling jerseys in the league. One of the fattest contracts a rookie’s ever gotten. And I’d risk it all for a girl? I know what he means, but I want more than basketball. I want a life beyond that. I’m not saying that life is with Iris, but I am saying I’ve never felt with anyone else what I feel with her, and I have to chase that as hard as I chased basketball. What I felt today, what I’ve felt every time I’ve been with her, it’s real and it’s special. It’s worth chasing. If I don’t try, I’ll always wonder.
What if the thing that seems like an impossible dream is within my grasp?
27
Iris
I shouldn’t have told him I wasn’t engaged.
It’s selfish and reckless to encourage August. At least until I get out from under Caleb. At some point, I know I’ll have to ask someone for help, but it will be at the right time when I have the tools not only to escape from Caleb, but to keep him out of our lives. Until I have that, I should be so careful about every step I take, and indulging myself, my yearning for what I see in August’s eyes and feel in his touch … It’s anything but careful. If Caleb is capable of half the things I think he is, recklessness could get August hurt even more than he already has been.
But August’s expression when he saw Caleb’s ring … Devastation? Betrayal? Disappointment? Defeat? It was all those things on one handsome face. And maybe it was the defeat I hated most—the thought that he would give up on whatever it is that blooms between us like a flower, opening up a little more each time we’re together.
I can stand back and objectively say it shouldn’t feel this powerful, whatever is between us. We haven’t spent that much time together, but from that first night, August felt like a milestone in my life. Like a turning point—like a hinge parts of my future swung on. And if he gives up, we’ll never know what we could be when all the obstacles are gone. When Caleb doesn’t stand between us.
“Two hours,” Ramone says from the front seat, his stony stare a warning in the rearview mirror. “I’ll be back in two hours.”
It’s unnecessary, Ramone’s abrupt reminder that time at the community center is merely a furlough from my prison. I’m at the house every night alone, and it’s bliss compared to how it is when Caleb’s there. But I’m lonely, and I felt it most starkly last night after seeing August. Time with him resurrected my senses and summoned butterflies in my stomach I thought were long dead.
Without responding to Ramone, I climb out of the back seat and load Sarai into her stroller. I don’t look at him once before I start across the street and enter the community center.
Ms. Audrey takes Sarai with a gentle smile, and Sarai is crawling around with the other babies before I’m even out of sight. The socialization is good for her. I wish there were more opportunities for that, but Caleb won’t hear of it, much less pay for it. That would leave too many factors out of his control.
Torrie and Shelia are already in the rec room when I arrive. Today, I made a little more effort, wearing black wide-legged linen pants and a pink and black sleeveless top. My hair is down my back, freshly washed. My makeup is simple but heavier than it was yesterday. In other words, I tried. As much as I may not want to admit it, knowing August would be here today, I tried. It must be evident because Torrie and Shelia both raise their brows when I walk in.
“Mmmmmmm-mmmph.” Torrie flicks the large gold hoop in my ear. “Oh, you fancy, huh?”
Shelia looks up from the board games she’s setting out for the kids to play when they return from the gym.
“Little upgrade, I see,” Sheila adds. “Is this for us or for Mr. Rookie of the Year?”
I force a disdainful laugh. “August and I barely know each other.” I make myself meet their eyes directly.
“Looked like you knew something,” Torrie says, “the way he ran out of here after you, and y’all were all booed up.”