Shit. Fuckity shit.
Looking for something to do, I pour more gravy over my mashed potatoes, drowning the poor side dish. I’m so flustered my hand shakes and I spill the thick, hot liquid in my lap.
“Oh!” I scoot back from the table, fanning the scalding spot on my thighs.
“Are you okay?” Grip grabs a napkin from the table and starts mopping at my lap.
Embarrassment and discomfort constrict my throat until I can’t swallow or breathe. I manage to stand under the weight of everyone’s scrutiny and choke out a few words.
“Where’s your bathroom?” I gesture to the spot on my dress. “I’d like to clean up a little.”
Really I just want to get out of this room where it feels like I’m being bludgeoned with their stares.
“Right through there.” Ms. James points down the hall, her voice flat, her eyes sad.
“Thank you,” I whisper, moving in the direction she indicated.
“Can I help?” Grip follows me into the hall. “Do you need—”
“No, just go back.” I don’t turn around because I don’t want him to see the tears in my eyes. The stupid tears of rejection. I knew she wouldn’t like me. Why was I not prepared for this feeling? “Please. I’m fine.”
I know he’s still there. His concern wraps around me from behind. I feel his solid warmth at my back and his breath in my ear.
“Baby, it’s okay,” he whispers.
I take a step forward, putting distance between my back and his tenderness, which will only break me down more.
“Grip, just . . . I’m fine.”
I don’t wait for anything else before I step gratefully into the small bathroom. As soon as I’m behind the door, hot tears stream down my cheeks. I’m a fixer. It’s what I do for a living. I fix everything for everyone, but there’s nothing I can do to fix my skin. To fix the fact that everyone wants Grip with Qwest, and I can’t ever be what his mother wants me to be. I know what she means to him and that he wouldn’t be the man he is today without his mother’s influence and guidance. That he disappoints her by loving me burns more than the gravy I spilled in my lap.
I allow myself a few moments of the lavatory pity party before wetting my napkin and wiping the dress, which is probably ruined. That’s the least of my concerns, though. I splash water on my face until it looks sort of normal and steel myself to go back out there. It would be wonderful if Ms. James and Jade liked me, but they don’t. I tell myself that Grip likes me, he loves me, so it doesn’t matter.
I’m walking up the hall but stop when I hear my name.
“And you tried to tell me you and Bristol was just friends. Like I’m blind, dumb, and stupid,” Jade says sarcastically. “You a trip, cuz.”
“Oh, I’m a trip?” Irritation coarsens Grip’s words. “Why?”
“You weren’t satisfied with the fancy loft and the motorcycles and the cars and flying around on private jets,” Jade says. “You just had to go and get you a white girl, didn’t you? She’s the last piece for your collection.”
“Jade, lower your voice,” Ms. James says softly.
“No, Jade,” Grip snaps. “Shut the hell up.”
“You had a queen but just had to go get you a Becky.” Jade loads her voice with contempt before pulling the trigger. “Just like all them other niggas. Forgetting where they came from.”
“I haven’t forgotten a damn thing.” Grip’s words scrape against each other like iron sharpening iron, slicing into the thick air filling the house.
“Forget who they came from.” Jade presses on like he didn’t speak. “Like the sisters need another reminder that we ain’t good enough. Ain’t pretty enough. You sorry ass sellouts gotta stay true to form and choose them every time you get a little cash.”
“My being with Bristol has nothing to do with you or anyone else,” Grip says.
“Doesn’t it?” Ms. James counters softly. “I’m sorry, but Jade’s right. I didn’t raise you to be a cliché, Marlon. Some man who thinks he needs a white woman on his arm to be successful.”
“If you think that’s what I’m doing,” Grip replies softly, disappointment heavy in his voice. “Then you don’t know the man you raised at all.”
“I know you had a good woman, a beautiful Black woman who understands where you come from,” Ms. James replies. “Who understands our challenges and knows how to support you.”