He does leave. I’m right about that. But first he scoops me up in his arms. And I guess that twenty pounds really isn’t as big a deal as I thought. He carries me with him upstairs, as if I weigh nothing.
No, he doesn’t kick me out. He lays me down on his bed like treasure found.
Then he covers me like a blanket and reminds me of one of the major truths he told me at that cabin. He really does have a very short refractory period.
CHAPTER 34
GRIFFIN
Still not a cuddler. But after taking Red like her hunter, then making love to her like her sheep, I draw her into my arms just to keep from letting her go.
“I think I have a ‘90s rapper problem,” I tell her, settling my head in the crook of her shoulder.
“What?” She sounds both amused a confused.
“You know how those ‘90s guys all started out angry because most of them were from these backgrounds that were just messed the hell up. Their fans were like, ‘Yeah, so-and-so should be pissed. Look at where they came from.’ But then those rappers became popular, got rich, bought cars and houses—started living their best lives. But they were still trying to come out with these pissed-off albums, and that’s when it was all over for them. Because people were like, ‘You still mad, bro? Why? Your life looks pretty great. Seriously maybe you need to deal with your shit instead of trying to come at us with the same thing every time.’”
She goes quiet. I know I’m not making much sense. This is why I usually don’t do this talking shit.
But then she translates what I’m trying to say perfectly. “You’re anger was valid. But now you’re wondering if it’s past its due date.”
This woman…
How the fuck did I let her go? Even for those few six hours I gave her to go home and pack an overnight bag before meeting me back at my place?
Regret fills me up as I try to explain myself to her. “I know I’m fucked up. I hold onto stuff. My mom abandoning me. My dad punting me off to boarding school. My brother not giving me a record deal. If I’m being honest, spite fuels a lot of my drive. Achieving the fame my mom didn’t. Rebelling against my dad by joining the Reapers. Scrapping with Geoff over this CEO position. I’m always trying to prove I’m worth not leaving behind, worth believing in—I’m always trying to destroy people who hurt me.”
This is the truth finally. A truth I’ve never told anyone. Not even myself. But I examine the wound. For her.
“I…I wish New Year’s Eve had gone differently,” I tell her. That’s true. Her not showing up triggered the hell out of me. I gave her my trust, and she didn’t show up.
But the regret for the things I did after is also true. So, I focus on that. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it. For trying to destroy you. “
I tighten my arms around her. “I’m sorry for letting you think that sex the other night didn’t blow my mind. I’m sorry…I’m sorry for all of it.”
She’s quiet. For so long this time, I wonder if she’s fallen asleep during my long ramble. But then she says, “Neither of us had a stable set of parents, growing up. And we were both so lost when we met. I was reeling from my grandma’s death, and you were trying to hang on to your Reaper Rockstar despite wanting to do something different.”
She reaches up and lay her hand over the back of mine. “I think maybe that makes it hard for both of us to trust that anything good that happens is going to last. Thank you for explaining your side of things to me. I um…I wish New Year’s Eve had gone differently too. But I think I’m beginning to understand what happened—why both of us did the things we did….”
She sucks in a deep inhale, and breathes out, “I’m sorry for keeping O2 from you. I should have done it the right way from the start. I found out who you really were, and I told myself it was to protect her. But I watched you change and get better from afar. I suspected you weren’t the monster I made you out to be, and I still didn’t tell you. If I’m being honest, I was afraid. Afraid that you’d put me back under your spell and destroy me.”
“So, we were both afraid.” I let out my breath, releasing some more of the bitterness I’ve been carrying since that night. “We scared each other. Then and now.”
“Yes,” she agrees. “But we can’t go on like this…”
I still. Is she going to try to break up with me? Did being vulnerable with her actually lead her to believe that was an option on the table?