So, I rented a hotel room on the beach in Long Island. A big room with a long terrace that overlooks the ocean. I've been able to fall asleep to the sound of the waves crashing on the beach and wake up to the sound of seagulls cawing in the sky.
I made a change, took a different path to refocus on what's important. I honestly thought it would clear her from my mind. But I was wrong.
The solitude and silence have only enhanced her image in my brain. It's a struggle to forget her. It's like going through withdrawal trying to erase her from my thoughts.
“Well, just call me if anything changes.”
James agrees and hangs up. I close the computer and lay my head in my hands.
She quit. Why the hell she did quit?
This wasn't my intention. I didn't leave to force her away from the business. I left to make things better for both if us. It doesn't matter what I want or what she wants, the business is what's important.
I run my hands down my face and groan. “I’ve got to get out of here for a bit.”
Sitting alone right now is the last thing I need to do. I’ve got to go out and do something. Take my mind off all this stuff. I know that if I stay here, all I'm going to do is drive myself crazy with questions I can't answer.
I slip my feet into my shoes and decide to go for a walk in town. Anything is better than being left with my thoughts right now. Because I feel like shit.
What kind of leader runs away when things get tough?
I ran thinking it would make things better. I ran thinking it was what had to happen to fix the failure I was watching. I ran to escape her. To break the hold she has on me. To cut the tether growing between us.
Except, it doesn't matter where I go, I'll never be able to run from her. She's constantly on my mind, in my thoughts, and in my dreams. What's bothering me the most right now is that I might have ruined her completely.
What the hell am I doing? It's a question that's been on repeat since I left to come here, and I don't have an answer.
My toe kicks a rock on the sidewalk as I pass the small shops and restaurants. It tumbles off and into the road. I watch it as it rolls, mindlessly aware of my surroundings. Looking up, I'm staring at everything and nothing all in the same moment. I see the people I pass, but I can't see their faces. I see the cars buzzing by, but they're a blur. The world is zooming by me at a million miles a second, and I feel like I'm going in slow motion.
I stop in front of the window of the New Vibe Lounge and look inside. It's dark enough outside that the glare from the sun is gone, and inside is illuminated by LED lights. I can see everything inside. The waitresses as they carry trays of drinks. The DJ as he spins a record on the turntable. The people as they smile and drink, laugh and dance.
Ronda. . .
Watching the people dancing instantly makes me think of her. I stare at the cluster of dancers on the dance floor, my mind swirling with images of her from the night we went out to dinner. The way her body moved, rolling like a willow in the breeze. She swayed, she rolled, she rocked and moved as if her body was the music.
Her smile hits me in the chest, stinging like salt in an open wound. I pull my phone out of my pocket and open her last message.
Hello? Are you okay? Just message me back and let me know.
All her messages that I ignored are full of concern and worry about me. She doesn't sound angry or upset, just full of fear that something is wrong. She was right to feel that way, because something is wrong. I'm wrong. I'm an asshole.
I was trying desperately to figure out a way to balance two things that were vying for my attention, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I couldn't figure out how to make enough room for both.
This war's been raging in my mind. A battle of two worlds, neither one the good or the bad, but both an equal force I can't control. And no one is winning.
We both lost with this. No one is coming out on top. I fucked it all up because I wasn't ready to have both. A career and a woman.
I can fix this. It's not too late.
Without thinking about it, my thumb hovers over her number. It's as if a decision's been made, only it's not by my brain, it's by my heart. My entire body releases all the tension it's been holding in. A weight's been lifted off my shoulders, and clarity is slowly spreading through me.