“It’s a one-bedroom apartment, Jai. He bought me an apartment for my first year in college. He didn’t even think! How was I supposed to make friends? He pushed me into applying to this stupid place and then thought I’d be happy living alone with no friends. What? Was I not allowed to experience the dorms or sorority or anything that involved human interaction and companionship?”
“Ari… it’s okay…”
“No, it’s not,” she hissed, angry tears spilling down her cheeks as she looked anywhere but at Jai. “He didn’t know me. He thought I’d be happy alone like he was. He didn’t even love me.”
Jai clucked and took a wary step toward her. “That’s not true. Your dad… he made mistakes but he loved you.”
“Not enough,” she whispered, the memory of their conversation in the woods burning in the back of her throat. “He told me so before he was killed.”
Jai tensed. “What are you talking about?”
“At the woods. He told me he was selfish. That he kept me because I was part of Sala, but that he shouldn’t have done that. He admitted he was a crappy father.” She paused, brushing a trembling hand across the granite breakfast bar. “Told me he never loved me enough, that he wished he’d been able to love me the way I deserved.” The tears stopped with the confession and a cold hardness settled inside her. “This apartment is a testament to how little he knew me. How little he’d cared to know me.”
She heard Jai shifting uncomfortably behind her, and she turned to say something to lighten the mood, only to be surprised to find he wasn’t uncomfortable. He was furious. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides and his jaw was locked with what Ari guessed was determination to keep quiet. A rush of emotion crashed over her. Jai may be in love with someone else, but he was lying if he said he didn’t care about her a little. This reaction was proof of that. “It’s okay,” she assured him. “I’m going to be okay.”
He nodded, that muscle in his jaw ticking. “You deserve better than that, Ari.”
“Even after… even after everything he said… I still miss him.”
And just like that, Jai’s anger shifted to understanding and, before she knew what was happening, he pulled her into his embrace. She stumbled against him and clutched tightly to him in surprise. She nuzzled her face into his hard chest, inhaling the familiar, comforting scent of him. His embrace was just as she imagined it would be, his arms tight and strong around her. His heart beat reassuringly beneath her ear, albeit beating a little too fast. Ari felt safe and loved in his arms. He gave good hugs. She smiled a little, her arms wrapped snug around his waist, palms pressed to his wide back. Ari wanted to dig her fingers into the muscle there and pull him closer. She talked herself out of it. “You’re allowed to miss him, Ari,” Jai whispered into her ear and she tried to cover the shiver that rippled down her spine at the feel of his lips brushing her skin. “You’re allowed to love him. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Please.”
She nodded, unable to speak for fear she’d burst into tears. Jai had a wonderful way of destroying all of her defenses.
“Good,” he said gruffly, rubbing a hand across the middle of her back in comfort before setting her away from him. She let go immediately, not wanting to appear like a teenager with a crush. Been there, done that.
With a quick glance at him from under her lashes, she was disappointed to see his usual guardian, no-nonsense expression back in place. She’d give anything to ruffle his feathers again, like when they’d faced the wind demon in the New Mexico desert. Had that really only been days ago? When she’d been injured, Jai hadn’t been able to hide his concern and Ari wasn’t ashamed to admit that she’d lapped it up.
“Ready to get back?”
With one last glance around the apartment, Ari nodded sadly. “Let’s go.”
Focusing on home, Ari stepped into the peripatos, a little more prepared now for the discombobulating ride back to Ohio. She wobbled unsteadily, despite her preparation, as she stepped out into her sitting room. Sympathy cards littered the mantelpiece over the fire and trays of unwrapped food were spread out on the coffee table. Her answer machine was blinking with dozens of messages of support. It was such a depressing place to be.
The crackle of flames behind her barely registered. She was too busy staring at Charlie, who sat on the sofa, angry and anxious.
“Where have you been?” Charlie snapped, glaring at Jai over her shoulder. He jumped up off the sofa and strode toward her, standing so close Ari had to tilt her chin up to meet his eyes. The warmth from his body made her want to bury into him.