“No, I need… I need to test something. C’mon.”
“That is 100 percent not happening. What the fuck is up with you tonight? Is this about Erin?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Why does everyone think everything is about Erin? No. This has nothing to do with Erin.”
“Oh, I dunno… maybe the jilting on Valentine’s Day thing. That might be it. Silly me.”
Two guys walked up and did a double take when they saw Tiller. One of them stopped to ask for an autograph and selfie, and I almost punched the guy to get him to go away.
I needed fewer famous friends.
“Listen,” I hissed once they were gone. “It’s about Julian. Remember when we kissed a long time ago?”
His shock was apparent. “You kissed Julian? How did I not know about this?”
“No, asshole. You and me. Remember when we kissed so I could see if I was into guys?”
“Oh, god, right.” He let out a laugh before reining it in. “You’re a terrible kisser.”
I buried my face in my hands and yanked at my hair. I hated everyone.
“Fucking focus, okay? The reason I did it was because I was into Julian.”
Tiller’s expression was affectionate when he teased me. “Ouch.”
I waved away his words. “I wanted to see if we could be more, but first, I had to know if I was going to freak out about kissing a guy.”
“Classic gay panic panic. Panicking that you might panic. Continue.”
“But I didn’t feel anything. Nothing. Like… ew. Gross. Nothing at all.”
Tiller looked all around us before focusing back on me. “Am I being filmed? Because I gotta tell you, this isn’t at all what I was expecting when you asked me to come out here. And I’m not sure my ego can take many more hits. Are you sure Mikey didn’t put you up to this? He’s still a little miffed I broke his favorite serving platter.”
I ignored him. “My point is, if I’d felt anything for you, I would have tried. But since I didn’t, I decided not to risk fucking up what we had… have together. He’s my person, you know?” My voice cracked a little, but I continued. “And the thought of upsetting him or of making him think we could have something great just to yank it away from him when it didn’t work for me…”
“Would be bad,” he finished gently.
“Would be devastating,” I admitted. “I couldn’t live without him, Tiller. You know that.”
Tiller stepped forward and pulled me into his arms for a tight hug. The man was built like a pro wide receiver because that’s exactly what he was. My muscles and bones groaned under the pressure.
When he pulled back, he kept his hands on my shoulders. “Is this the real reason you canceled the wedding?”
I shook my head. “No. Erin really did leave me a Dear Parker letter.”
“Don’t you think maybe what you’re actually upset about is the thing with Erin, and you’re using Julian’s crush on you as an excuse?”
I had already opened my mouth to respond when his words caught up with both of us. “What?” I asked, feeling like I couldn’t get enough breath to properly push the word out. “J-Julian has a…?”
Tiller’s eyes were as big as fried eggs. “Nope! Nope. No, certainly not. And also, no fucking way. That was a mouth malfunction, was what that was. A typo but with my tongue. In fact, heh, I think you heard wrong. I said…”
I lifted an eyebrow, waiting.
Tiller shook his head. “Never mind what I said. Let’s forget this whole thing ever happened, kind of like we did with that kiss.”
“I have feelings for him, too,” I said softly. “I just don’t want to fuck things up between us.”
“You were supposed to get married yesterday. To someone else.” Tiller’s voice carried a stern warning even though I knew it was given with love. “Don’t do something stupid, Parker.”
He was right. Of course he was. Maybe this was all some kind of weird boomerang emotional thing from being jilted.
“Yeah,” I said, forcing a smile. “Yeah, you’re right. I won’t. I promise.”
At the time I said it, I truly meant it. But the feelings only got stronger, like a flock of rabid bats trying to force themselves out of a crowded cave.
I kept the promise for exactly two days before releasing the bats into the wild.
8
JULIAN
Parker was being weirder than normal, but I chalked it up to the emotional turmoil of Erin’s abandonment. We kept ourselves busy with outdoor pursuits, movie marathons, and an unhealthy number of naps in front of the fireplace, but Parker was quieter than usual. Sometimes I caught him staring at me with a funny look on his face, which I assumed meant he was lost in thought about Erin.
This morning, his weird quiet mood had turned crotchety. He was making us some BLT sandwiches when I walked up to steal a piece of bacon from the pile in front of him. He jumped a mile high and screeched. “Gah! Gimme space. Jesus.”