Maybe all three.
Thinking of Jules as hot wasn’t new. I’d always known he was attractive and sexy. I just hadn’t let myself imagine kissing him or touching him, not since I’d tried it on with Tiller and thought sex wouldn’t be good with a guy.
That seemed so naive and silly now, given how explosive it had been once I’d gotten my hands on the right guy.
I wasn’t sure what that meant about my sexuality—maybe I was bi, or pan, or a billion other things I’d never really investigated. And maybe I was supposed to care more about figuring out which thing, like it would be more legitimate if I put a label on it. But it was really hard to get all worked up over any of that when being with Julian felt like Christmas and the Fourth of July and summer vacation had all come at once.
Being as close to Julian Thick as possible was the only thing I’d ever wanted, even when I thought we could only be friends. And now that I knew I could possibly have him in all the ways—that he could be my best friend and I could make his eyes roll back in his head with pleasure when I touched his dick—I was all in. Game over.
I just wasn’t sure how to convince Julian that this wasn’t an overreaction to being jilted and that I wasn’t using him as a safety blanket the way Erin had done with me.
A knock on the door startled me out of my rumination. I tried to remember if I’d locked the door behind Julian or if he was simply giving me a warning so I wouldn’t be surprised by his return.
I stumbled out of bed and grabbed my hoodie before opening the door. Instead of Jules, another stranger stood on the front porch. He was a small guy with perfect hair and a too-perfect smile.
“Are you Jay?” he asked, giving me a thorough up-down with dark-lined eyes. He must have liked what he saw because he muttered under his breath. “Baby Jesus, please, if you care about me at all, and if you want to make up for my shitty-ass childhood in Baton Rouge, you will give me this beautiful man.”
“No. I’m sorry. He’s not here, and there’s been some kind of mistake.”
He bit his knuckle. “I have some ideas on how we can take advantage of his absence.”
“I don’t…” How did I tell him I wasn’t interested without offending him? It had been one thing when I was straight, but now that I knew I was… not-straight… I wasn’t sure of the etiquette. In fact, I could really use some gay advice. “Want to come in?” I asked instead of sending him away.
He looked up at the roof of the porch. “Thanks, Big Guy. I owe you one.”
He followed me inside and introduced himself as BJ. “But not the kind you think. It stands for Baby Jeremiah. My dad is Jeremiah Senior. Ask me how it was growing up gay in Louisiana with the name BJ. Go ahead. Ask me.”
“Why didn’t you change it?”
He leveled a faux patient look at me. “I did. I spent years trying to get people to call me by my middle name, but it never took. Then I moved to California, became a yoga instructor, stopped giving a shit about other people’s opinions, and decided my name was a feature, not a bug, so I embraced it. Besides, once guys hear I’m a yoga instructor, they tend to forget my name entirely anyway.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “I’m very, very bendy… as you’ll soon find out.”
“I don’t want sex,” I blurted. “But, ah, I could use some advice.”
BJ froze in the act of removing his parka and then continued in slow motion. “Okayyy… advice about what? And I’m going to assume you’re just being shy about the sex. We’ll ease you into it.”
I had to admit he was cute, charming in an easy way. But I didn’t need that right now. I needed another not-straight man’s perspective, and I needed it before Julian came back.
After offering him a soda and settling him on the small sofa closest to the fire, I took the seat across from him and rested my forearms on my knees to clasp my hands together. “Here’s the deal. I think I have feelings for my best friend. Sexual feelings. Love feelings. Forever feelings. All of it.”
BJ had already left his boots by the door, so he pulled up his socked feet and wrapped his arms around his knees. “M’kay. And? What’s the problem?”
“He thinks I’m straight.”
BJ’s sculpted eyebrows shot up. “Your best friend doesn’t know you’re gay?”
I squeezed my hands tighter. “I’m not gay. I don’t think. I’m… I don’t know what I am. But I like women… sometimes. And I like Julian. Always. I like him most of all.”