“I know. Never. I promise. I’m sorry. I just needed…”
I grabbed the back of his head with my hands and pulled back from him, still holding him close. “I know. I know. I do. I’m sorry, too. I’m so sorry I didn’t understand things sooner. Things between us.”
He leaned in and pressed a kiss to my cheek, staying there for a long beat and brushing his nose across mine when he pulled back again. “You didn’t do anything wrong. We just need to figure some shit out, okay?”
A loud sniff from behind us made Julian jump and try shoving me behind him. He gasped when he realized we weren’t alone. “Who are you?”
BJ’s hands were pressing his sweater over his heart. “That depends. If you’re Jay Thick and you’ll agree to a threesome, I’m the luckiest man on Earth. If not, I’m the saddest panda ever.”
Julian squeezed his eyes shut. “Another Grindr date.”
“Yep. But a really nice one. Didn’t you see his car out front?” I asked, turning to peer out of the window.
BJ tossed the blanket aside and stood up. “I walked. My friend and I are in town for a work thing, and we’re renting a house a few doors down.”
I could tell Julian wasn’t happy to discover I hadn’t been alone. His body was suddenly strung tight, and he put on his bitchy fake polite voice. “I’ll be happy to walk you back.”
BJ grinned. “Sad panda, then. It figures. Well, if you change your mind…”
Julian reached for the door. “We won’t.”
BJ looked Jules up and down in a way I really didn’t appreciate, and then his dancing eyes flashed back to me. “If you need any more advice, honey, don’t be a stranger. I’m here all week. It’s the red house with the gas lanterns.”
Jules’s eyes narrowed imperceptibly. “The panda house. Got it.”
BJ stepped up to kiss me on the cheek. Since my eyes stayed on Jules, I noticed his hands curl into fists. The sight of his reaction made me feel like I had one of his stupid bubble drinks in my veins.
“Don’t let him get away,” BJ whispered in my ear. “He loves you, too.”
I couldn’t hold back my goofy grin. “Thanks. Take care.”
Julian made another offer of an escort, but BJ said he needed the time alone to cool off. Once he was gone, Jules closed the front door and made a point of locking it.
“I’m going to kill Mikey,” he said, shrugging out of his coat.
I couldn’t decide if I wanted to hug him again or strip him naked and explore his body in detail for the first time. The indecision made me feel jittery and strange. I paced around while shaking out my hands.
“You’re freaking out,” Jules said. “You’re panicking just like I knew you would.”
I stopped and laughed. “Me? You’re the one who bolted. I’m trying to decide whether to strip you down and lick you from head to toe or hold you tight and tell you everything I’m feeling. Which one’s less likely to make you light out of here like your ass is on fire?”
But Julian’s brain seemed to have stuttered to a halt before he heard the question. “L-lick me?”
“Licking it is, then.” I stepped closer to him without touching him. His slightly hitched breath made my fingertips tingle. “This feels right. Kissing you, touching you, making you feel good… all of that feels right. More than right. It feels perfect. It’s just you and me here right now. Why can’t we try this?”
Julian looked terrified. Even though I wasn’t touching him, I could sense his entire body trembling.
“What are you so scared of, sweetheart?” I murmured, reaching out to cup the side of his neck. I leaned my forehead to his. “I will never hurt you. Ever. You know that, right?”
Julian slid his face alongside mine until his lips rested near my ear. I waited for him to give me an answer, but he stayed quiet. When I finally slid my arms around him to pull him even closer, he let out a low sound from deep in his chest, but he didn’t fight me.
“It’s okay,” I finally said reluctantly when he didn’t speak up or make a move. I tried to hide my disappointment. “No matter what happens, it’s still you and me. Always.”
I realized we were swaying slightly, a dance with no music. It was enough for now; it had to be.
After several minutes, I considered letting him go, pretending like nothing had changed between us and we were still platonic best friends, bros and nothing more. But then I felt his warm fingertips sneak under my hoodie and press lightly on the bare skin of my back.
I said a silent prayer, begging any higher power to let me have this, to let me pleasure him and see him let go.