Renn has a thing for older guys. She thinks that they’re more mature, savvy and sophisticated, and hence, more to her liking. She calls it her ‘Daddy Issues’ and sounds extremely proud about it. Turning to me, she inquires, “So? What did he do? Do we need to go over there and kick his ass?”
Despite myself, I smile slightly. “No. He didn’t do anything. He was fine. He agreed.”
Willow’s eyes go wide with happiness. “Yay! That’s great news.”
Violet, who has been against this plan from the beginning, ever since I told her a couple of weeks ago, sighs with relief and puts her phone away. “Really?”
This time, my smile is bigger. “Yeah.”
“Oh, thank God,” she goes, pressing a hand on her chest. “I’m so happy. I’ve been so worried. I really didn’t think this was a good idea.”
Willow turns to her and teases, “We all know that.”
Renn nods. “Yup. You told us that. More than fifteen times in like, four or five different ways.”
Violet wrinkles her nose. “Stop. I just know how hard it is to talk to new people. The way that they look at you. And you have to like, smile all the time and appear all cool and relaxed. Ugh. It freaks me the fuck out.”
See?
This is closeness.
These girls know every thought in my head, like I know all the thoughts in theirs. And I think the reason for that is where we met.
A little over a year ago, all our lives imploded in ways that led us to a dark, desolate place called Heartstone Psychiatric Hospital in New Jersey. It goes without saying that a psych ward is not a typical meeting place. You don’t go there to hang out or to make friends. You go there because the world on the Outside is too much to deal with. And so, they send you to the Inside in order to learn how to cope.
I, for one, had no intention of ever going Inside.
For all intents and purposes, I was healthy. Yes, I wasn’t as fabulous or successful as my family — to my and their sheer regret — but there was nothing medically wrong with me.
Or so I thought.
Until my episode.
And even then, it hadn’t occurred to me that I’d end up at a psych ward because of it. Not until my parents broke the news. My instant reaction had been to say no. But they both looked so determined and so uncomfortable, so revolted by the fact that they had a child who had had such a public episode, that I didn’t voice my protest.
Besides, my episode was very public.
It happened where I spend most of my time: at college. In a classroom full of students who watched everything. So it was just easier to give in and not face those same people who had witnessed my breakdown.
Anyway, despite my initial reluctance to go, I’m happy that I did. It not only made me aware of my own self, but also gave me three lifelong friends. One of whom I live with now.
Who goes, “I still can’t handle when you say the F word. I mean, our shy little Vi?”
Violet narrows her eyes at Renn. “Shut up.”
Willow chuckles and points to Renn. “It’s because we’ve corrupted her.”
Grinning, Renn addresses Vi. “And you’re welcome.”
Violet rolls her eyes. “No need to feel proud of yourself. I’ve always been corrupted.”
Which we didn’t know before.
Violet has always been the quietest one among us. In fact, for the longest time, she wouldn’t talk back at Heartstone. She’d sit there quietly, away from all the crowds and conversations and stare into space. It was mostly due to the things that had happened to land her at Heartstone: a big, painful scandal in her town. That got so bad and affected her so much that she started having panic attacks.
Which is also the reason why she was the most freaked out about me doing this today.
Because I, more or less, share her diagnosis.
While Violet suffers from Panic Disorder, I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Even though according to the American Psychiatric Association we fall in separate categories of anxiety disorders, we share many of the same symptoms.
Once the moment of lightness passes, all three pairs of eyes turn to me expectantly.
Violet prods, “So? Are you going to tell us?”
“Well, I did it. It’s over. So, there’s that,” I say, suddenly feeling proud of myself.
I’ve been so stressed out about it for the past couple of weeks, ever since Ruth gave me the task. I kept putting it off until I decided to just… take the plunge.
Willow smiles brightly. “Because you’re a rock star and a warrior.”
Her words, as always, are cheerful and inspiring. The complete opposite of what she suffers from, Major Depressive Disorder. She came to Heartstone after she attempted suicide on her eighteenth birthday. Like me, she hated being there at first. She hated her illness as well, felt deeply ashamed of it. But slowly, Heartstone grew on her and she accepted herself, her illness. And now fights it every single day.