Chemical Romance (Heartstone)

“So then, what’s the problem?” Renn asks. “Why have you been sitting there, staring at the wall like a zombie ever since you came back?”

Right.

So, I came back from college about an hour ago and yes, I’ve been sitting here, staring at the wall all this time. And since no one understands the meaning of giving space better than my friends, they’ve been waiting me out.

But I guess I need to spill the beans.

I take in a deep, determined breath, fisting my hands. “So, he said yes.” I think. “But there was a condition.”

Willow frowns. “What condition?”

I dig my nails into my palms. “He said he wanted something in exchange for tutoring me.”

“What?” she asks. “What did he want?”

Dinner.

He wanted — wants — dinner.

My heart pounds in my chest at the thought. My stomach flutters. I have to open my mouth to breathe because suddenly there’s not enough air in the room.

Violet leans toward me. “Penny, what did he want?”

“Dinner,” I squeak out.

Renn asks, “What?”

“At a restaurant. This little Italian place by the school.”

“Okay, wait a second,” Willow says. “You asked him to tutor you, he said yes. But then he said he wanted something in exchange for tutoring you.”

I nod jerkily. “Yeah.”

“And that something is dinner with you at a restaurant.”

“Uh-huh. T-tomorrow.”

Renn’s eyes are wide now. “So what did you say?”

His name.

I said his name.

Because he asked me to.

God.

He asked me — no, he ordered me — to say his name. And then I said it and I felt like I was going to explode.

I felt like I could say his name forever.

Atlas.

Atlas. Atlas. Atlas.

I lick my dried-out lips. “I said I thought that he didn’t eat with students.”

Renn is confused. “Huh?”

Shaking my head, I try to explain it better. “He’s the TA. He’s extremely professional. Everyone knows that. I mean, girls are always hitting on him. In fact, there was a girl before me who wanted to have lunch with him, but he declined. Very rudely, I might add. But then he asked me to meet him at Valentino’s for dinner. So I didn’t…” I frown again. “I didn’t get that. I don’t get that. Why would he want to have dinner with me? Why would he want that in exchange for tutoring me?”

It doesn’t make sense.

Not at all.

And then I sit up straight, all alert, because something occurs to me. “Oh my God, do you think he lied?”

“Lied about what?” Willow asks.

I look into her gray eyes. “About tutoring me.”

“What?”

My mouth falls open. “He did, didn’t he? He lied. He doesn’t want to tutor me. He didn’t want to tutor me,” I tell them. “He was very reluctant. And again, rude. He said no at first, and of course I tried to convince him. And then in the end he said that he wanted something in exchange for it.”

Shaking my head, I finally fall against the couch. “That’s why. That’s why he said dinner. Because he knows how outrageous it is. Having dinner with me. Because I’m not only a student but I’m also…”

The crazy girl.

I’m the girl who lost her shit last year, ended up at a psych ward, and who sits alone in a corner because no one wants anything to do with me.

In fact, he knows it the best, doesn’t he?

He carried me in his arms after my episode. I clung to him, to his body. I told him I was afraid, and he told me he’d got me.

So he knows.

The problem with me.

“You’re also what, Penny?” Renn asks when I stay silent, lost in my thoughts.

I swallow. “Uh, nothing. Just that. His student.”

They don’t know about Atlas. About how he helped me, carried me to the health center where they proceeded to call my family, get me the medical help that I needed. All through that, he stayed.

He stayed by my side; he talked to people; he brought me water, something to eat because he thought I needed to rehydrate and have some sustenance.

He was there. Until the end.

Until my dad came over from his own meeting on the other side of campus. Until he took me to the hospital.

And then I saw him months later.

In the same class.

I haven’t stopped watching him since then. I haven’t stopped thinking about him.

Well, that’s not true.

I haven’t stopped thinking about him since the moment I opened my eyes in his arms.

But like I said, my friends don’t know about that.

There’s nothing to know really.

It’s all foolish and useless. My crush on him, this attraction.

It can all be explained in scientific terms. He was there during a major trauma of my life and so I latched onto him. Plus he’s handsome and intelligent, super smart and sexy. Of course my brain releases chemicals when I see him.

It’s no big deal.

Yeah, Penny. Keep telling yourself that.

My friends don’t believe my lame reply. They stare at me questioningly and so to distract them, I say, “I’m not going.”