The Assignment

She swallowed some wine and set her glass down. “But yet you’d never choose to live here again…”

“It probably wouldn’t be my first choice, no,” I admitted. As much as this place was growing on me, it was a reminder of the emptiness I’d felt as a kid.

She reached for another cookie.

“Wow. I guess they can’t taste that bad if you’d willingly consume another one?”

She winked. “Wine makes me hungry. I’d eat a brick right now.”

“You pretty much are.”

Aspyn laughed. “Tonight will forever be remembered as the bizarre night that Kiki got her period and Troy Serrano baked me paleo cookies.”

“What is this fuckery, right?” Feeling hungry myself, I reached for one of the smaller cookies and took a bite. They didn’t taste half as bad as I remembered. “So…” I asked. “Have you told Jasmine you’ve had to spend time with me?”

Aspyn nodded. “She thought the whole thing was as weird as I did.”

“Does she still hate me? I mean, I know she friended me on Facebook, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still hate me on some level.”

“Actually, no. She doesn’t. She’s moved on.”

I winked. “Unlike some people.”

“I thought we were supposed to be getting along tonight.”

“We are. I’m teasing.”

She smiled from behind her wine glass. Whatever I was doing, it was working. I felt Aspyn slowly warming to me. So, I took further advantage.

“Confession time…” I announced.

She narrowed her eyes. “Depends.”

“Depends…isn’t that what I bought earlier tonight instead of maxi pads?”

Aspyn snorted. “Close.” She wiped her eyes. “Okay, what’s your confession?”

“It’s actually a question for both of us.” I paused. “What was the worst name you ever called me behind my back in high school?”

She sighed. “God, there were so many. I’d have to think about it. Why don’t you go first. What was the worst thing you ever called me?”

“CPB.”

“CPB? What does that stand for?”

“Crazy psycho bitch.”

She chuckled. “I knew about Psycho but hadn’t heard that particular take on it.”

“That was your main nickname.”

Aspyn rolled her eyes. “Lovely.”

I took another bite of my cookie. “Your names for me are so bad you can’t even decide which one is worst. Either that, or you don’t want to say them because they’re so wrong...”

“I don’t remember them all, really…”

I popped the last piece of cookie into my mouth. “Because you called me every name in the book.”

“I do remember one.”

My brow lifted. “And?”

“Whoreannosaurus.”

I spit out my wine. “Oh my God, like Tyrannosaurus, but a whore.”

“I’m sorry. You asked.”

“No. It’s all good. It was fitting for me, I suppose. I deserved it.”

Her tone softened. “Knowing what I know now about your mom…it explains a lot.”

I took another sip of wine and nodded. “There’s no doubt I acted out because of my anger toward her. That’s no excuse, though. Things only got worse after I actually met her. In some ways, it was easier when she basically didn’t exist.”

“You have every right to feel hurt about what she did.”

“Maybe, but sometimes I feel like I should just let it go. She’s dead, for Christ’s sake.”

“We don’t always get to choose what we hang on to.”

I pinned her with a look. “Like your hatred for me.”

“That wasn’t what I was referring to.”

“I know. I understand what you’re saying.” I exhaled. “Not having a mother shaped my entire life. It shaped my perception of myself…my perception of women.”

Aspyn tilted her head. “In what ways?”

“Well, I guess her not wanting me made me feel…unlovable. At the same time, it’s why I don’t look at relationships with women as permanent. Like, ‘don’t you dare get attached to someone who will leave like your mother did, Troy.’ It’s messed-up shit.”

She stared at me for a few seconds. “But you must know on some level that not all women leave.”

“Yeah, but it’s hard to trust that, I guess.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I must sound like such a pussy.” I sighed. “First the cookies, now this.”

“No. You don’t. I’m liking this conversation. It’s honest and showing me a side of you I never knew existed.”

“Don’t encourage me. I might keep you up all night unloading my screwed-up shit. Or start crying or something.” I raised my forehead. “Wait—would that earn me a trust point?”

“Don’t push your luck.” She smiled. “Seriously, though, I don’t mind listening. It’s good to talk it out.”

I looked up at the sky. “I don’t know, Aspyn. I also worry that maybe I’m more like my mother than I want. Part of why it’s so important to get you to trust me is to confirm whether it’s safe to trust myself. I don’t want to be the type of person who flies through life hurting people.”

She nodded. “It’s amazing how much our parents shape us, whether they’re around or not.”

“Your upbringing was pretty normal though, right? You mentioned your parents are still together and everything.”