The Assignment

I picked up the phone and dialed Troy.

He answered on the third ring. “Hey…”

I breathed into the phone. “You know, if there were such a thing as death by swoon, I would be lying on the floor with no pulse in a pile of mush right now.”

“You got my note?”

“Yeah. It was very sweet and profound and amazing—and damn, you’re good, Serrano. I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything. The purpose wasn’t to garner a response. It was just to tell you how I’m feeling. Every word of that is the truth. I’m not the most romantic when it comes to words. But that was the only way I could describe what I’ve felt like lately.”

“What possessed you to mail it instead of giving it to me?”

“I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you while we couldn’t be together during the week. Also, my romance guru told me that would be a nice gesture.”

My cheeks practically hurt from smiling. “Romance guru? What’s gotten into you? And who is your romance guru, anyway?”

“My grandfather.”

“Really? He told you to send me that?”

“This was the first of his tips that actually worked.”

Something clicked. “Wait a minute…does this have anything to do with the foot-rub attempt?”

He chuckled. “Maybe.”

“Oh my God. The dip! When I hit my head.”

“Maybe.” He laughed. “But it’s important to note that even though he gave me the suggestion to write you a letter and mail it, everything in it was all me.”

“Well, thank you again. You made my night.”

“Thank you for giving me a reason to write it, beautiful.”

I let out a long sigh into the phone.

“Tell me what that was about—that sigh,” he said.

“I guess I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop with you. Is it horrible to admit that?”

He didn’t respond for a few seconds. “No, because I always want you to be honest with me.”

“You’ve given me no reason to feel this way,” I said.

“I think the way I’ve acted in the past is ingrained in your mind.”

“Maybe on a subconscious level, but it’s not just you. It’s me as well, Troy. I have major trust issues. I know I haven’t opened up much about my last relationship. I was devastated when it ended, even if I was the one who technically broke up with him. Once he told me he’d considered cheating on me, I knew it was over. He might as well have done it. It was a huge blow because I had trusted him before that.”

“Did you end things immediately?”

“It took me a month or so before I ripped the Band-Aid off. I kept thinking about Kiki. And how much she loved him. He begged me not to end it. He said he felt so guilty he had to confess what he’d almost done, but he tried to get me to believe that the fact that he hadn’t cheated meant he loved me. I knew that wasn’t true.” I sighed. “I feel lucky that he admitted it to me. I can’t imagine if I’d just continued to assume I was safe with him.”

Troy sighed. “As someone who’s cheated on a girlfriend in the past, maybe I have no right to offer my opinion here… But anyone who loves you is not going to consider cheating for even a second. You made the right call.”

“I know that. Believing someone loved me one minute and then realizing I wasn’t enough for him all along was a real wake-up call. It certainly didn’t help my trust issues.”

Troy was quiet for a moment. “I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I feel like I need to in order to explain something.”

“Okay…”

“The other night with Kiki, when we were at the diner, she mentioned that she didn’t want to see you cry again. She was alluding to the time after your ex left. That sort of led to our conversation about my keeping in touch with her no matter what happened between you and me. Anyway, that was the first time I realized how badly he’d hurt you.”

“I wish she hadn’t told you that…”

“I figured it wasn’t something you wanted me to know. But it hit me hard. Before that, I’d viewed you as somewhat guarded, someone who kept her emotions inside. And to hear that he’d broken you like that… It made me not only angry, but weirdly jealous that you had experienced deep feelings for someone. It also made me wonder if what you had with him was more of an emotional connection, whereas with me it might be more…physical.”

I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “Things with you might have started out physical, but my feelings for you have evolved.” I closed my eyes to gather my thoughts. “I think I should better explain. It wasn’t that I thought Holden was the one. While I definitely believed I loved him at the time, I think the reason behind my tears had more to do with how his confession reflected on me, what it meant about my ability to be enough for someone. And of course, it reminded me of my parents, how my dad always claims to love my mother, even though he cheats on her. I’m telling you, Troy, I’d rather be alone than lie next to someone at night who would do that.”