Fuck it. I cry. I let myself just cry. I don’t try to stop the tears, even though I curse them in every way.
“I just look at Ryder, his little boy, and think that eventually he’ll lay in his bed and miss me like I did my mom. Like I missed Hollis. That it will be this terrible circle of pain that needs to stop.”
“But you’re perpetuating the problem, Paige. Open your eyes. Where is Ryder now? Where is his mother?”
“She’s dead.”
“So you’re willing to not be someone in this little boy’s life because someday you and his father may not work out? Even though I’ve never seen you act this way over a man in your life?”
I sigh?
“You’re letting fear rule your life. You’re too scared of what might go wrong that you can’t enjoy the good in front of you.”
“Mom …”
The doorbell rings.
“Hollis has a package or box or something coming and I told him I’d get it. I need to go.”
“This conversation isn’t over,” she says.
I’m sure it’s not.
“I’ll call you later, okay?” I ask. “And don’t talk to my brothers about this. Swear.”
“I promise. I love you, honey.”
The bell rings again.
“Gotta go,” I say. “Love you, too.”
I tuck my phone in my pocket and make my way to the front door. My head throbs from the intermittent crying for the last two days and my stomach gnaws at itself from not eating.
I’m such a mess.
The bell rings for a third time just as I grab the handle.
“For heaven’s sake …”
I gasp.
Oh, my gosh.
THIRTY-FIVE
NATE
Don’t grab her.
Don’t cry.
Don’t drop the plate.
Speak, damn it!
She holds her hand over her mouth, covering the lips that I love to kiss. Her eyes are red and the skin beneath them dark. She stares at me in disbelief.
“You aren’t answering my texts, so I thought I’d come over,” I say gently, hoping my voice doesn’t shake. “Ryder was afraid you were hungry. He made you breakfast.”
I hold out a plate covered with tinfoil. She reaches for it slowly, almost as if she’s not sure if this is happening.
Her fingers brush against my hand. I move my fingers towards hers without thinking and hers feel like they’re going to lock on to mine. But they don’t.
She pulls the tinfoil back and looks at the pancake. There’s a heart on the top where the syrup that Ryder so carefully placed sank into the cooked batter.
Her lips press together, the plate shaking her hands.
“Look, I don’t know what happened or why you took off. I have no fucking idea, Paige. But you said you love me and that’s all I really care about. That’s why I’m here.”
“Oh, Nate …”
Her words are thick with emotion and I want to reach for her so badly. I crave it. I need it.
I need it for me and I need it for her.
“I thought I was doing all right,” I say. “I thought I was loving you and taking care of you and giving you time to get comfortable. But if I didn’t get it—if I didn’t love you the way you need to be loved, then tell me so I can—”
“You love me just right.”
Tears fill her eyes but don’t fall.
“Did you do something then?” I ask. “Is there someone else?”
The thought of her being with another man makes me want to rage. The only thing that tempers the anger that flares instantly in my stomach is the small smile on her face.
“There will never be anyone else, I’m afraid,” she whispers.
The hope I’ve been fighting to hold on to—the hope I’ve been praying for—floods me. I’m afraid to say anything. I don’t dare move. I wait on her to expound.
“Do you want to come in?” she asks.
I nod and step inside.
She closes the door behind me. I look nowhere but at her. And as I see the fear lingering in her eyes, I make a decision that I should’ve made two days ago.
Change of plans.
“Here’s what’s happening,” I say, planting my feet in place. “I won’t let you ruin this for us. Not for me, not for Ryder, and not for you.”
Her eyes widen.
“I’ve already given you my heart and I won’t take it back,” I tell her. “Not now, not next year, not in ten years. All right?”
Paige doesn’t nod or speak or give me any indication that she understands. But I know she does. She understands exactly what I’m saying.
“I’m not a fortune teller than can show you some crystal ball and prove to you that we’ll be together until I die. All I can do is tell you that I am done. I am yours. You own me.”
She covers her mouth, her eyes narrowing as if she’s ready to cry.
I take a deep breath, ignoring the anxiety swelling inside me, and march on. Because it’s all I can do and, I won’t sit by another day and do nothing.