“Okay. That’s enough.” Hutch patted me on the shoulder.
“This is interesting. I’ve never seen you jealous before.”
“I’m not.”
The man shrugged. “You can be because I sure as shit would be.”
Two emotions warred for dominance inside me then—happiness for Hutch because this guy felt the same way about him, and Hutch deserved that; and pain because I wouldn’t have Lane this way.
I forced myself to laugh. “Just a friend, huh? If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re in love. I’m crushed, Hutch. I thought your heart belonged to me.”
He rolled his eyes. “You’re not looking for anyone’s heart, and you know it.” I tried to hide it but couldn’t hold back the flinch, his words sucker-punching me in the heart. “Hey, I didn’t mean—”
“You weren’t lying,” I cut Hutch off. “Now, do I get to know this sexy man’s name or what?”
“Ryder. Nice to meet you.” We shook hands.
“This is just between us for now,” Hutch told me.
“It’s complicated,” Ryder added.
I couldn’t stop the bitter laugh that fell from my lips. “Believe me, there’s nothing I understand more than complicated.”
“Hey, is everything all right?” Hutch asked.
No, no it wasn’t, and I couldn’t say if things would ever be all right again. “Stop being dramatic. Everything is fine.”
I paid the cover charge for us, and we went inside. I tried like hell to act the way I was supposed to, to be that fun-loving Isaac everyone knew. To laugh and joke and flirt.
We went to the table I’d reserved and started in on the drinks. The waiter was sexy and twinky, the kind of man I usually went for because they weren’t like Lane, but I couldn’t pretend to be interested. Not really.
Instead, I asked Hutch to tell me about his man. Ryder joked about being good, and I played my part, kidding and flirting, being cocky right back, alcohol flowing, one vodka tonic after the other, hoping I could pass out and forget this day had ever happened.
Ryder told me about himself, and I tried to listen, but my thoughts were filled with Lane, and I couldn’t stop drinking and checking my phone, hoping and wishing he would call or text and tell me everything was okay.
There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Hutch knew something was up, and still I tried to pretend.
I stood up to go dance, my legs weak and almost giving out on me. Fuck, I’d already had too much to drink. Still, I went to the dance floor.
Hutch and Ryder came out too, moving together, touching and looking at each other, so fucking in love it just made the pain inside me grow.
I had another drink, danced with men, stumbled again, nearly fell.
My head was spinning, but thanks to the vodka, the pain was decreasing. I knew it would be there waiting for me, but in that moment, I had a reprieve. “I need another drink!” I said when Hutch and Ryder came to me.
“I think you’re cut off, buddy,” Hutch told me.
The two of them each wrapped an arm around me, and I wanted to bury my face in Hutch’s neck and tell him about Lane and to hear him tell me it would be okay. But since I couldn’t do that, I joked about having a threesome with them and Hutch being in love.
Everything caught up with me then…Hutch being in love, Lane, the kiss, this night, the drinks. The spinning got worse, and my stomach clenched, nausea sweeping through me. Hutch and Ryder got me outside just in time, and embarrassingly, I vomited. This wasn’t me. I didn’t lose control like this, I didn’t fuck up like this, but I couldn’t stop myself.
When Hutch said, his voice low and worried, “You’re coming home with us,” all I could do was agree with him.
I can’t be alone tonight.
They ordered us a car, and on the ride over, I did my best to hold it together.
When we got to Hutch’s building, Ryder said, “I didn’t know if I should come,” meaning to Hutch’s place.
“Coming is always the way to go,” I teased. “Let’s go. At least one of us should be getting some tonight…or wait…I guess that’s two of us since you’re not getting some on your own. Looks like I’m the only one who’s not getting any.”
We went to his apartment, and Hutch helped me to his spare bedroom, then bent and began taking off my shoes. Jesus, I was lucky. Hutch was a good friend.
“Get your ass up, drunky.”
I tried but fell back to the bed again. Hutch pulled me up and took off my shirt.
“My mouth tastes like shit. I need to brush my teeth.”
“That’s because you puked up the whole bar tonight. That’s not like you.”
I looked away.
He helped me to the bathroom and gave me a new toothbrush. I brushed my teeth. Pretending to be okay only hurt more. When I had to piss and told him I could do it on my own, he joked about not knowing where my dick had been, and all I could think of was Lane getting upset when I had men over and him thinking all I’d wanted with him was to come. My emotions must have shown because Hutch told me it was a joke, and I went along with it as we made it back to the room.