She had been given the chance, she realized. Feyre had asked, and she’d refused. Apparently, Feyre had done it herself, somehow knowing what she’d like.
Nesta sat at the small vanity, staring at her reflection in the quiet.
Her door opened with a creak, and then Cassian was there, leaning against her doorway, gazing at her in the mirror. “You didn’t want to say good night?”
Her heart began thundering. “I was tired.”
“You’ve been tired for a few nights now.” He crossed his arms. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” She twisted on the cushioned stool of the vanity. “Why aren’t you downstairs?”
“You never asked about your present.”
“I assumed I wasn’t getting one from you.”
He pushed off the door frame and shut the door behind him. He took up all the air in the room just by standing there. “Why?”
She shrugged. “I just did.”
He pulled a small box from his jacket and set it on the bed between them. “Surprise.” Cassian swallowed as she approached, the only sign that this meant something to him.
Nesta’s hands turned sweaty as she picked the box up, examining it. She didn’t open it yet, though. “I am sorry for how I behaved last Solstice. For how awful I was.”
He’d gotten her a present then, too. And she hadn’t cared, had been so wretched she’d wanted to hurt him for it. For caring.
“I know,” he said thickly. “I forgave you a long time ago.” She still couldn’t look at him, even as he said, “Open it.”
Her hands shook a little as she did, finding a silver ball nestled in the black velvet box. It was the size of a chicken egg, round save for one area that had been flattened so it might be set upon a surface and not roll. “What is it?”
“Touch the top. Just a tap.”
Throwing a puzzled glance at him, she did so.
Music exploded into the room.
Nesta leaped back, a hand at her chest as he laughed.
But—music was playing from the silver orb. And not just any music, but the waltzes from the ball the other night, pure and free of any crowd chattering, as if she were sitting in a theater to hear them. “This isn’t the Veritas orb,” she managed to say as the waltz poured out of the ball, so clear and perfect her blood sang again.
“No, it’s a Symphonia, a rare device from Helion’s court. It can trap music within itself, and play it back for you. It was originally invented to help compose music, but it never caught on, for some reason.”
“How did you get the crowd noise out when you trapped the sound the other night?” she marveled.
His cheeks stained with color. “I went back the next day. Asked the musicians at the Hewn City to play it all again for me, plus some of their favorites.” He nodded to the ball. “And then I went to some of your favorite taverns and found those musicians and had them play …”
He trailed off at her bowed head. The tears she couldn’t stop. She didn’t try to fight them as the music poured into the room.
He had done all of this for her. Had found a way for her to have music—always.
“Nesta,” he breathed.
She shut her eyes against the realization rising within her like a tidal wave. It would sweep away everything in its path once she admitted it. Consume her entirely. The thought was enough for her to straighten and wipe away her tears. “I can’t accept this.”
“It was made for you.” He smiled softly.
She couldn’t bear that smile, his kindness and joy, as she corrected, “I will not accept it.” She placed the orb back in its box and handed it to him. “Return it.”
His eyes shuttered. “It’s a gift, not a fucking wedding ring.”
She stiffened. “No, I’ll look to Eris for that.”
He went still. “Say that again.”
She made her face cold, the only shield she had against him. “Rhys says Eris wants me as his bride. He’ll do anything we want in exchange for my hand.”
The Siphons atop Cassian’s hands flickered. “You aren’t considering saying yes.”
She said nothing. Let him believe the worst.
He snarled. “I see. I get a little too close and you shove me away again. Back to where it’s safe. Better to marry a viper like Eris than be with me.”
“I am not with you,” she snapped. “I am fucking you.”
“The only thing fit for a bastard-born brute, right?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You don’t need to. You’ve said it a thousand times before.”
“Then why did you bother to cut in at the ball?”
“Because I was fucking jealous!” he roared, wings splaying. “You looked like a queen, and it was painfully obvious that you should be with a princeling like Eris and not a low-born nothing like me! Because I couldn’t stand the sight of it, right down to my gods-damned bones! But go ahead, Nesta. Go ahead and fucking marry him and good fucking luck to you!”
“Eris is the brute,” she shot back. “He is a brute and a piece of shit. And I would marry him, because I am just like him!”
The words echoed through the room.
His pained face gutted her. “I deserve Eris.” Her voice cracked.
Cassian panted, his eyes still lit with fury—and now with shock.
Nesta said hoarsely, “You are good, Cassian. And you are brave, and brilliant, and kind. I could kill anyone who has ever made you feel less than that—less than what you are. And I know I’m a part of that group, and I hate it.” Her eyes burned, but she fought past it. “You are everything I have never been, and will never be good enough for. Your friends know it, and I have carried it around with me all this time—that I do not deserve you.”
The fury slid from his face.
Nesta didn’t stop the tears that flowed, or the words that tumbled out. “I didn’t deserve you before the war, or afterward, and I certainly don’t now.” She let out a low, broken laugh. “Why do you think I shoved you away? Why do you think I wouldn’t speak to you?” She put a hand on her aching chest. “After my father died, after I failed in so many ways—denying myself of you …” She sobbed. “It was my punishment. Don’t you understand that?” She could barely see him through her tears. “From the moment I met you, I wanted you more than reason. From the moment I saw you in my house, you were all I could think about. And it terrified me. No one had ever held such power over me. And I am still terrified that if I let myself have you … it will be taken away. Someone will take it away, and if you’re dead …” She buried her face in her hands. “It doesn’t matter,” she whispered. “I do not deserve you, and I never, ever will.”
Utter silence filled the room. Such silence that she wondered if he’d left, and lowered her hands to see if he was there.
Cassian stood before her. Tears streaming down his beautiful, perfect face.
She didn’t balk from it, letting him see her like this: her most raw, most base self. He’d always seen all of her, anyway.
He opened his mouth and tried to speak. Had to swallow and try again.