King Asshole

“Yeah, well, this time I’m being careful. I’ve got an entire list of questions to go over.” He got to his feet to fetch the clipboard he had ready.

“Why do I have a feeling I’m not going to like this?” Ryan asked.

“Because you’ll probably think I’m a dick. I’ve got two sets of questions. One for chicks, another for dudes.”

“You’re even going to consider renting to chicks? You can’t keep your dick in your pants long enough, and let’s not forget those pesky rules of yours.”

“Bite me, Ryan.”

“I wouldn’t put you anywhere near my mouth. You could have any number of diseases.”

“I keep my dick bagged up, so you’ve got nothing to stress yourself over. I’m perfectly clean, and you can suck my dick anytime.”

Ryan didn’t even comment, simply went back to reading his paper. “‘Looking for a roomie.’ A fucking roomie?”

“I want to sound approachable.”

“You should put down, ‘don’t have girlfriend, will likely fuck it.’”

“I don’t fuck everything with a vagina. I’ve never been with Lily.”

“That’s because she’s seen your asshole a mile away.”

“I do have a nice ass. I’m so pleased you notice.” He kissed the air, and Ryan looked back at the paper.

“‘Looking for a neat and tidy roommate. Must be working and prepared to be flexible. All facilities work, good area, protection guaranteed.’ Dude, this sounds like you’re advertising a condom or something. You’re not going to get any callbacks. Let’s hear those questions and see what you’re fucking up with now.”

Jax looked at the female questions. “Are you easily offended by strippers?”

“What the fuck, Jax?”

“I have a stripper pole.” He pointed to the corner of the sitting room.

“Why did you have that thing installed?” He friend rubbed his eyes.

“Remember, I went to a stripper joint, brought a woman back to the apartment, got a little personal lap dance and would have loved a good show. It’s there in case any of the women I pick up want to do something like that.”

“It’s official. You’re a pig.”

Jax rolled his eyes. “You’ve been spending way too much time with a pussy.”

“I happen to love my girlfriend.”

“Yeah, and she clearly doesn’t love you.”

“Jax!”

“What? She’s at home right now talking it all up with sex toys, and you’re here, talking with me.”

“You’re right, I have completely screwed with my life,” Ryan said. “Has it ever occurred to you that these breaks are good with couples?”

“I don’t think about it.”

“Not even a little bit?”

“There are a lot of pussies out there, Ryan. I intend to try my fair share of them.”

“It’s like talking to a brick wall.”

“Let’s get back to this.” Jax looked at his list. “‘Do you intend to bring back men to fuck them?’”

“Jax!”

“What? I have the same question on my other form for a guy. I even ask here if they had a girlfriend if they’d be interested in a threesome.”

“You ask things like, do you cook? How late will you stay out? What kind of extracurricular activities do you have? Not sexual stuff.”

“You’re a real bore, you know that. I ask what they think of having food used for sex,” Jax said. “I don’t even know why we’re friends.”

“Right now, I don’t even know that either.” Ryan took the list of questions from him.

Sipping at his beer, he watched, somewhat amused as his friend shook his head and his face went red.

“Anal? You’re really going to ask that?”

“Why not? We’re going to be sharing an apartment together. I love sex, and I need to know if someone is a prude.”

“You’re not going to get anyone to rent this apartment. If you do, it’s a fucking miracle.” Ryan continued to look down the list. “‘Don’t fall in love with me.’ Is that a statement?”

“Yes. I happen to be a very charming man.”

“You’re fucking delusional.”

“Women fall for me all the time.”

“No. They fall for the chance to be with you. At the end of it, you prove to them you’re a hound dog and they don’t need to spend any fucking time with you.” Ryan shook his head. “I think you’re going to have to learn for yourself. Good look with finding anyone who’ll stick around after you’ve read them that list.”

“I don’t think you’re taking this entirely seriously.”

“I’m taking it seriously. You’re the one that’s not. Having a roommate is going to be a rude awakening for you.”

“I’ve had one before,” Jax said.

“Yeah but you didn’t really need one then so it was easy for you to get rid of him. To keep this place, you’re going to need him or her.”

“It’ll be easy to do. I’m a good guy.”

“Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it.”

****

Dani Brooke sat in the local diner drinking her third cup of coffee as she looked through the newspaper at apartment rentals. There’s no way she was going to live in a substandard apartment with a landlord who thought he could blackmail her to sleep with him. That shit was not happening anymore. She paid her rent on time and didn’t even complain when he hiked the price.