A Death to Seek (Thornes & Roses 3)

“Everyone leaves,” I tell her, staring at her hand wrapped around my arm. She doesn’t release me. I didn’t think she would. “It’s not uncommon for those I care for to pack up and walk away.”

“Because you push them away?”

“Are you trying to say I made my mother leave?” I sneer, my blood turning hot as it races through my veins, boiling through me from head to toe.

Zaria’s mouth falls open, and I realize she didn’t know about it. I never confessed anything about me to her. Jarred knew about my mother walking out, but that’s only because he has lived in Thorne Manor for so long.

“What?”

Those glimmering golden eyes stare into mine. Zaria has a way about her, when she looks at me, it’s as if she’s trying to find a chink in my armor. I wonder if she’ll ever find a way to dig into my goddamned soul even when I try to push her out.

“My mother walked out on us,” I admit softly. “I was always her favorite, she told me so. It might sound overconfident, but it was the only time I ever felt seen. And then, one night I overheard her and my dad fighting, they were arguing. It was so loud, it woke me up. I followed them to the staircase and watched her tell him she’s leaving.”

Zaria steps up to me then, her body flush with mine, and her arms wrap around my middle. When I told Jarred, he had the same reaction. But as she looks up at me, I don’t see pity in her eyes. I never wanted anyone to feel pity for me because my mother left me. And that’s the reason I never told anyone how it made me feel to see her walk out.

“I loved her,” I tell Zaria. “She was the only person who ever knew me.” My words are soft, a gentle confession that seems out of place because, only moments ago, anger fueled me. “And I love Jarred. He was the other person I allowed into my heart.”

“So all that anger you held toward me for my posts and fakes smiles on my social media wasn’t only because of me.” Her lips tilt as she realizes how much I’ve hated myself for years. I wanted my brothers to know I was hurt, but I could never bring myself to tell them. I was scared of being weak in their eyes. Instead of showing my pain, I covered it with jokes and fake smiles. So, instead of breaking down, I stood tall and hid behind the playboy exterior.

“It’s sometimes easier to fake something than to allow anyone to see your pain,” I tell her gently.

“But you let Jarred see it.” She guesses, and I nod. “He didn’t do this to hurt you though. And I’m sure your mother was hurting just as much when she left.” I can’t know that for sure, but I can’t deny that in my mind, Mom was heartbroken to leave her kids. All three boys meant a lot to her, we knew we did, but there are times I think back to the night she left and wonder why she didn’t say goodbye.

“I don’t know for sure what she felt, but she never made any effort to reach out to us, even years after.” I shrug it off, but I can’t conceal the pain that must be painted across my face. “Jarred was the first person, besides Eloise, that brought out some form of emotion in me. But even Ellie had no clue about my past.”

“But you loved her too.” Zaria whispers slowly.

For a long, silent moment, I think about it. I cared about her a lot. She was the one person I vowed to protect and I couldn’t do that. “I spent years feeling guilt for what happened to her. I thought I loved her, but perhaps it was more the protective obsession I had. I didn’t want her to leave.”

“Like your mother did,” Zaria says.

I nod.

“I’m sorry, Finn,” she whispers as she leans up on her tiptoes. Her lips find mine in a gentle kiss. “But you can’t push Jarred away. This time, he needs you to be strong, the same way he was strong for you in the past.” I know she’s right, but I don’t like admitting to being wrong.

“I need time.” It’s all I can manage right now because if I did say anything more, I’d probably get angry all over again. I can’t afford to do that. “I need to go talk to Ares,” I tell her. “Stay here.”

“Okay.”

I leave Zaria, with my focus solely on speaking to Ares about business. I find him in the office, where he told me he’d be. For the moment, he’s alone, so I venture into the room.

“I’d like to get this contract done and signed as soon as possible.”