“But you’ll never be free,” he insists.
“But he’ll be able to keep us both close,” Zaria suggests, which is correct. After I spoke with Ares about my little situation, he gave me a few ideas on how to get the Elders off my back about the wedding. This is why I’d rather talk to Dad first, and then, once I’ve explained everything to him, I pray he’ll come around. He has to, I fulfilled his request for meeting with the Lancasters.
“She’s right,” I tell Jarred. “I am not losing either of you. And you have a lot to make up for.” I point at him, making sure he understands I’m not just letting this go. We will sit down and get all those ugly little secrets out in the open, and when we do, we’ll be able to move on.
He nods as if he had already planned on making it up to me in ways I couldn’t even think of yet. And I look forward to it. Then he asks, “Are you sure?”
“Always,” I tell him.
20
ZARIA
When Finn walks into my room from the adjoining bathroom, I know he’s going to want to talk about the night we almost had sex. He found me drunk, crying, in pain, and I couldn’t voice it, so I took a few pills to calm myself and ended up downing half a bottle of whiskey I’d found downstairs. It was my go-to when I was hurting. I would numb myself. But there is still something that Finn doesn’t know, and if he probes, he’ll find out. He said he didn’t want secrets between the three of us, so I should admit to what I did.
He settles on my bed, his dark eyes holding mine hostage. But I don’t want to look away. Can someone be a willing victim? If it could be with Finn and Jarred, I’d do it. He watches me for a long, silent moment. It’s uncomfortable, as if he’s trying to dig for answers with just his stare.
“You need to talk to me,” he finally says in a firm tone that holds no debate. I knew it would eventually come to this. With our connection growing slowly, and our relationship forming more deeply, I realize that I wanted a good man to marry, and he is that. He’s everything and more. I’ve watched him during the time we spent together and his light shines brighter than I could ever have expected.
“I know.” I nod. I hear Jarred’s soft footfalls before I see him. When he appears from the bathroom, I offer a small smile. Both men are here to listen to my story. And I know that if I don’t come clean now, I’m going to jeopardize what I’ve built with them so far. We’ve come a long way since the night I arrived.
Jarred settles on the other side of the bed, his focus on me as he cocoons me. The heat from him, and the warmth from Finn calms my nerves. They’re both strong, beautiful men. Both have their own quirks and talents. Both of them, however, are staring at me as if I were a painting hanging in a gallery. It’s almost as if they expect me to run, from their focused gazes and those clenched jaws.
“When you found me, I’d been having a rough day.” My voice is croaky as I start, my eyes on Finn’s. “It’s not the first time I’ve chosen alcohol to numb the pain, the frustration inside me.”
“We’re here,” Jarred offers, taking my hand in his, he presses a kiss to it before releasing me. “You can trust us.”
Nodding, I continue, “The drinking started when I was fifteen. My mother had forced me into this circle of friends. They were all daughters of her social group, and even though I would have been happier to stay at home, working on my studies or even just reading a book, she said I had to get out. To meet friends.”
Both men are silent as I find myself back there. It was the most stressful visit I’d ever had at the country club. My mother was the butterfly, fluttering around with her bright colors and her intoxicating smile. Everyone loved her, at least, that’s what I thought.
“I sat with the girls for a while, talking about music and movies, and nothing seemed amiss. At first, I thought perhaps I was being a snob because I was convinced that they weren’t my friends. But when I went to the restroom, I wasn’t gone for too long. When I returned, they didn’t see me at first.” I struggle to find the words. It’s like the first time I had to talk to a therapist. Reliving something that hurt you tends to bring you down; it takes you to that moment when you are crushed. And there is nothing you can do to stop it. All that happens is there’s a black spiral that drags you in further.