I smirk. “I guess it isn’t too weird. Maybe a little self-obsessed, to get off thinking about yourself …”
“I said it wasn’t necessarily me …” he cuts in.
“But thanks for sharing that.” I look up at the ceiling again. “Maybe it’s a safer fantasy for you. It’s like you’re hiding in plain sight the fact that you’re into men, even from yourself.”
“Huh. Didn’t think of it that way.”
“Anyway, I’m glad I can be some part of you finding yourself, Hoyt.” I can’t believe those are words that actually came out of my mouth just now—words I truly mean. “I’m glad it makes you feel special, to be someone’s fantasy.”
He studies the side of my face. “I want you to feel special, too, Harrison.”
I turn my face to him. “I do.”
“Nah, I mean … really special.” He swallows. “That’s why I … I want to be that guy in the mirror. I think I’m ready.”
For a second, I actually don’t follow. “Huh …?”
“I … I want to go all the way with you.”
Wait, what? I sit up and look at him. “You want to what …?”
He sits up, too. “Sorry. Did that freak you out?”
“Hoyt …”
“I’m ready. I want to. I’ve been ready since the day I took your ass down in the pig pen.”
I’m about to say something else, then frown. “Boy, it was your ass that I took down. Don’t twist it around.”
“Well, one of our asses is about to be taken right now.” He meets my eyes. “Because I really … really want it.”
We’ve skirted around this subject before. “Hoyt, listen to me. When the summer’s over, and you run off to college …”
“Hey, now. That’s ages from now.”
“… you will have totally new experiences and possibilities to explore all of this with other guys. Y’know. Guys your age. And I’m flattered you wanna do all of this with me …”
“C’mon.”
“… but you’re gonna regret not waiting.”
“No, I’m not.” He brings his face close and lowers his voice. “I hear what you’re saying. I really do. I can imagine endless kinds of experiences I could have in college. But I don’t want to ‘figure my sexuality out’ with some bumbling moron my age in a dorm room that smells like week-old ramen and Cheez-Its.”
“It’s more than just ‘figuring out your sexuality’, Hoyt. We’re talking about actual sex here. Your virginity.”
“We’re talkin’ about yours, too, then.”
I was armed with about ten more points to make. His remark makes me freeze, my eyebrows pulled together critically.
“So if I run off to college,” Hoyt goes on, “and I find all these other guys, younger guys, idiots who don’t know anything … who does that leave you with?”
I look away. “That’s my problem to solve. Not yours.”
“Maybe I don’t think you should be on your own. Hey, look at me.” Hoyt takes a hold of my chin and turns my face to his. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re in this together, Harrison. You and me.”
He brings his lips to mine, kissing me.
It’s so difficult to think straight when he’s kissing me.
The next thing I know, his shirt is gone and he’s unzipping his pants. After kicking them off, he comes after me, pulling my shirt up and yanking it over my head. His lips return to mine like they never left, and it’s to my back that I go, bewildered by his sudden urgency. “Just don’t think,” he breathes as he kisses me. “I want this, Harrison. I want it so bad, and I want it with you.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” I muster the strength to take hold of his arms and pull his mouth away from mine. I look into his eyes. “If we do this, we have to do it right. We need to be safe, and—”
He grabs at his pants suddenly, then pulls something out.
A condom.
I stare at him, shocked. “You already—? How’d you—?”
“Couple days ago, when I ran into town with Fred to pick up a few things. I … picked up some stuff of my own.” He reaches back into his pants and pulls something else out: a tiny bottle of lube. Then he shrugs, like I’m just supposed to accept that this actually happened while he was out with Fred at a store. “Don’t worry,” he quickly adds. “He didn’t see. I got them on my own, stashed them away in my pockets.”
“Hoyt …”
“Seriously, don’t worry. Look, I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while now. I’m ready. I’ve been ready. I want to do it.”
“But what if I’m not ready?” I sit up again. Hoyt settles into my lap, his ridiculously tiny bottle of off-brand lube in one hand, a condom in the other. “We haven’t even figured anything out. Like who’s doing who. I don’t even know if I’m a top or a bottom or …” I feel stressed suddenly. “This is going too fast, I think.”