I’d forgotten how overprotective he is but was glad for the reminder. Knowing that they have him in their corner goes a long way to making me feel better about the future. Gianna isn’t the only one I worry about leaving. “They’re almost done here; what say we take them out somewhere.”
“Sounds good; I have a list of places the girls wanna see.” Of course, you do.
We watched for another twenty minutes while the girls breezed through the lessons that they’d already taken months ago, and Gianna caught on easily enough because she had an innate sense of style and grace that the lessons only enhanced.
My suggestion for the outing stemmed from some guilt, not only because of the trip to Sicily and what was bound to follow but because while she was here having a blast and embarking on a new and exciting chapter in her life, her dad’s own life was about to go to shit on the other side of the world.
With the six-hour time difference, I knew it was only a matter of a few hours; if that, before Felix fell into the trap, I’d set for him. If I had any doubts about me being a monster, what I was about to do would put them to rest. Even though I knew the outcome could hurt her in some way, I still couldn’t not go through with it because my sense of justice wouldn’t let me.
Where some would see room for a grey area, I only see in black and white. Right is right, and wrong is wrong. So even though she may come to a point where she’s willing to forgive Felix for his monumental screwups, I can’t and won’t. Doesn’t that make me monstrous? The fact that I’m willing to sacrifice her feelings because I can’t overlook my own.
When I think of it like that, two things happen. One, I accept and am assured that she deserves someone better, and two, my lack of empathy assures me that I have too much of the man who fathered me in me to be any good. I’m not much younger than he was when he did that horrendous shit to my mom, just three or four years, I think. How much longer before I become more like whatever he is?
So, it was with a heavy heart and a wish that things could be different that I waited for Gianna to leave that room then smiled lovingly at her while my heart broke in two as I invited her to go see the sights of Paris with me. As she accepted and put her arm through mine, I knew that at that very moment, her dad was on his way to destruction. A destruction I’d set in motion.
She has no idea who I am. That fact hit me like a ton of bricks when we got into the back of the chauffeur-driven car with half the security team following us and the other half in front. The others chattered away like magpies, well the girls did, while my mind was back home where things were about to go down.
Lance seemed to pick up on the fact that something was up because he kept giving me these worrying looks while trying not to let the girls catch on. I shook my head at him and smiled before taking Gianna’s hand in mine to throw him off. Even that made me feel like a jerk. But I can’t help it; it’s who I am. I’m the guy who can sit here, be part of their moment while wreaking hell halfway around the world, and not bat a lash.
* * *
BECKY
* * *
The pain is almost nonexistent, but my life feels like it’s gone off the rails in the last few days. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that this isn’t right, that I’m too far gone, but I can’t seem to retrace my steps and get back on the right track. My mind is a blur and has stayed that way ever since I was picked up from the woods, and I think I might be going insane one moment and on top of the world the next.
First off, I wasn’t completely myself when I left those woods. I think between the fear and pain I felt, something tore in my mind, and that’s why I was so easily duped into taking my first hit of meth. I never in a million years would’ve thought I’d be into that, but I have to admit that after the first time, it didn’t seem so bad.
It helped with the pain and, in all actuality, put me in a better frame of mind than I’d been in since my first arrest. I was no longer doubtful of my actions, and the fear of being exposed no longer felt like the end of the world. In short, I could see more clearly to finding ways of getting out of my new predicament.