“I hate that I’m not going with you.” Vonetta clasped my arms. “You know that, right?”
“I hate it, too, but I trust you to lead in my absence.”
“Hey,” Emil cried, pressing his hand to his chest. “I’m standing right here.”
“As I said, I trust you to lead in my place,” I repeated to Vonetta with a small grin.
Emil sighed. “Rude.”
Vonetta rolled her eyes. “He’s a mess.”
“You like my kind of mess,” the Atlantian said.
“I wouldn’t let Kieran hear that,” I teased, wanting to hug her. And since I wanted that, I did it instead of thinking about how much I wanted to. “Take care of Tawny, please?”
“Of course.” Vonetta returned the embrace without hesitation. I closed my eyes, soaking in the feel as I did with Tawny. “I will see you in Three Rivers.”
“You will.”
Pulling back and wondering why I suddenly wanted to cry, I turned to Emil, and he gave me an elaborate bow. “Really?”
“Really.” Upon rising, he took my hand in his and stepped into me. He dipped his head, pressing his lips to my forehead. “Go get our King, my Queen,” he whispered.
My breath snagged then. I nodded, stepping back when he let go. Turning away as Kieran spoke to his sister was hard, as was stopping to say goodbye to Delano, Naill, and Perry. Delano gave the best hugs. Anything could happen between now and when I saw them in Three Rivers. Anything.
I went to my horse, picking up the reins. His name was Winter. The steed was large and white, beautiful, but he wasn’t Setti. I didn’t think it was wise to bring him to Carsodonia. I glanced at the entrance to Redrock, relieved to see Vonetta speaking with Tawny and Gianna. Tawny would be okay. They would all be okay.
Kieran came up behind me, touching my arm. “You ready?”
“I am,” I answered, lifting myself onto the saddle. My gaze swept past the group—past my friends—and made its way to the valley below, where the stately manors sat. As we rode out of Oak Ambler and beyond the Rise now draped with Atlantian banners, a part of me hoped I never returned. That might make me a coward, but I never wanted to step foot in the city again, even though I knew I would never really leave.
A part of me would remain in the still-smoking ash of the Temple of Theon. Charred and ruined.
Chapter 20
Casteel
I opened my eyes at the sound of fizzing water and the heavy, sweet scent of lilacs. Thick, purple blossoms climbed up the walls and stretched across the ceiling. Steam rose in the pinpoints of sunlight. Water churned restlessly among the boulders.
I hadn’t remembered falling asleep. I’d been sharpening the bone until I grew tired. Either way, I wasn’t there now. At least, not mentally. I was in the cavern. What Poppy called my cavern. But it was ours now. A paradise.
My heart started pounding fast, shocking the hell out of me. It hadn’t beat like this in days. Should be concerned about that. It was a warning I needed to heed, but I couldn’t. Not now.
Twisting at the waist, I scanned the swirling surface of the water and the wispy steam. “Poppy?” I rasped, forcing a dry swallow.
Nothing.
My damn stomach started thumping in tandem with my heart. Where was she? I turned again, swaying in the warm water and the humid air. Why was I here without her? It was almost too cruel to wake and find myself here alone. Was this some new form of punishment?
Punishment for the sins I’d committed. The lies I’d spun. The lives I’d forfeited. The lives I’d taken with my own hands. I’d always known those deeds would come back to reap what I’d sown, no matter my intentions. No matter how much I wanted to be better.
To deserve someone like Poppy—someone so incredibly strong, so curious and intelligent and unbelievably kind. Someone who deserved another as equally good as her. That wasn’t me. My eyes closed as my chest clenched. That would never be me. I knew that. Had always known that. From the moment I realized who I had under me at the Red Pearl.
I knew I was where I had no right to be.
Someone like me—someone capable of killing the woman who loved me—wasn’t worthy of a goddess. It didn’t matter that Shea had betrayed me or her kingdom. Decades later, and no matter the reasons, that shit and all the what-ifs still ate at me. My chin dropped, and my eyes opened, my gaze falling to my hands—hands whole in this piece of paradise but still nicked and scarred. Two hands that had taken Shea’s life and so many others, it was a wonder they weren’t forever stained by blood.
But I was forever Poppy’s.
I’d been coming for her, but she’d found me at the Red Pearl. I’d been planning on taking her, but she’d captured me on the Rise surrounding Masadonia. I’d been ready to use her, but under the willow, she had wrapped me around every single one of her fingers without even trying. I’d been prepared to do anything, but she’d become everything to me when she asked me to stay the night while in New Haven.