Fuck It (Yama Yama)

I don’t know Jessica well, but we’ve worked together enough for me to see she’s capable and not difficult.

“You’ll keep this account and remain part of my team until our project is completed. Then transfer to her team. We can let HR know about us and there shouldn’t be any problems.”

He’s looking at me like he isn’t sure how I’m going to take the news and all I feel is relief. The last thing I want is to get a reputation for sleeping my way to the top. I get to keep this amazing job and the man I love sitting next to me.

Wait. Love?

Do I love him? Fuck, I do.

“I have one question.”

“Okay.”

“Can we sneak a quickie in your office during lunch or is that off limits?”

A smile reaches across his face. “That’s one of the requirements, Ms. Hunt.” He reaches out his hand and stands up. “Still up for that date?”

“Absolutely.”

“Good, you can tell me how you know Cary Hullings.” His tone is teasing, not jealous.

“It’s an embarrassing story.”

“Can’t wait.”

We make a stop at my place where I grab some clothes to spend the night at his house. I make sure to include some sexy underwear. Sex is no longer a worry to me or something to hold me back. With Anderson, it’s become a mind-blowing experience that gets better every time.

The restaurant he chose is perfect. Upscale, but not so fancy that they just squirt your plate with some sauce, throw a sprig of parsley on there and call it dinner. The food is great.

He arranged for us to have a quiet table in a corner, where we have some privacy. The wine we’re served, along with today’s success has us both in a giddy, carefree mood.

“Okay, spill it,” he says. “How do you know Cary Hullings, and why did he look like he saw a ghost when you walked in?”

Ugh. Fine. It was bound to come up sooner or later. Kasha won’t keep her mouth shut forever. “We went on a couple of dates. It was a long time ago. The last one, um, didn’t go well.”

Anderson’s brow furrows. “Did he do something to you?”

My giggle almost makes me spill my wine. “No. Look, I told you I wasn’t good in bed.”

He tilts his wine glass a little, pointing it at me. “Which was bullshit.”

“It wasn’t bullshit before you. Before Kasha and Lydia explained some things to me.”

He listens while I tell him all the embarrassing details, beginning with my introduction to porn and ending with the disastrous date with Cary. By the time I’ve stopped talking, he’s trying his level best to hold back a laugh.

“Go ahead. Get it out of your system.” I shake my head as he laughs. “That’s why I stopped him on his way out. To apologize. He was very kind about it.”

“Probably afraid you’d send him to the principal’s office.”

“Shut up! Anyway, that’s why I’ve never been in a real relationship before. I want this to work more than I’ve ever wanted anything, Anderson. I don’t want my inexperience to screw it up.”

“Hey.” He reaches across the table and takes my hand. “That’s not going to happen.”

I have a question he isn’t going to like, but I need answered. “Why did you cheat? I know you said you wanted something real, like your dad has, but I don’t understand how that caused you to stray. Do you know why you did it?” If he doesn’t know why, how can he know he won’t do it again?

His lips press together, and he sighs. “Yes, I know. It’s no excuse, but I know my reasons. Wrong as they were. It took a year of therapy and celibacy for me to sort them out.”

“Was it just about the sex? Were you a sex addict?”

“No. I was a selfish asshole. I didn’t really understand what love was, but I wanted it. Desperately, if I’m being honest. The way my dad and Monica are together. I wanted that. It took him a long time to find that kind of relationship. Lots of women came before her but no one compared once he found her.”

He sounds so wistful. “I kept trying to make it happen, trying to force those feelings, convince myself it was love. Then when someone else caught my eye, I’d be worried that was the person I really needed. I was always looking for the next person who might be the one who could make me happy. But that’s not how it works. You have to make yourself happy. And let love happen to you.”

He sips his wine. “In the meantime, I hurt people who might’ve loved me if given a chance. Because I kept looking for greener grass.” His gaze settles on mine. “I regret it. More than I can say. I’ve apologized to those I hurt and spent the last year learning to be a better person.”