I’d always been completely independent, and didn’t even like working on projects with people. That’s why I never wanted to join a band. Other people were often difficult, illogical, and just plain annoying. I didn’t know if I could create the music I wanted to if I had to listen to other voices along the way.
Would I be able to create a life that was still my own if I had a partner, with their own day-to-day input?
Tossing my notebook down, I stretched out like a starfish across the bed, giving my shoulders a shake. Then I shook out my hips, once again remembering how seductive Ray’s hands were as he had gripped them so tightly.
Sitting up, I pulled down the track pants, yanking the t-shirt up to see if there were any bruises along my waist and hips.
How strange that I was disappointed that there weren’t! It was as if I needed some memory of his touch branded onto my skin to remind me that whatever happened last night, it was real. I had loved it. It almost frightened me how desperately I needed to experience that again with him.
I’d read about this sort of helpless, breathless desperation so many times. They called it love. I just didn’t know what to think now that it was happening to me .
CHAPTER TEN
* Ray *
I was absolutely haunted by what I had done wrong, even though I had no idea what it was. Should I not have blurted out my feelings for her? Should I not have told her how much I needed her?
The next two days were a blur of hard work, and keeping my eyes open for Kate in case she went for a walk. As far as I could tell, she didn’t leave her cabin at all. Unless she listened for my truck leaving, and only went for walks when I was away. The notion that might be avoiding me to that extent sickened me.
I did some light logging, chopping down dead trees, and a few small ones that needed to be thinned out in a few areas. My brother Dan had marked everything that needed to be removed with a ring of neon blue paint, so they were easy to find. I hauled a few of them back to my workshop for furniture; the rest I split up for firewood.
It would have been perfect if Kate had dropped by while I was behind the big cabin, shirtless and sweaty like the ultimate tough lumberjack. She would dive into my arms, and I would take her straight into the shower, making love with her up against the wall like we almost had done the first hour I’d known her.
But she didn’t come by. And I felt that it would be wrong to go to her. I didn’t want her to feel trapped.
My mind replayed every conversation over and over. Women were supposed to be into feelings, and knowing that they’re needed. At least, that’s what the movies always told me. So what had I done wrong?
At the end of the second day of solid labor, my shoulders had that pleasant slight burn, and I knew it was quitting time.
My quick shower felt strangely lonely. I dressed, put on a jazz CD, and went to the kitchen to find something for dinner. Maybe if I made burgers outside on the grill, Kate would be hungry and join me.
My heart leapt when I heard a tentative tap at the door. Forcing myself to take a second to open it, there was Kate’s beautiful face, looking up at me. She was so damn pretty, in a dark blue sundress with her hair loose, falling around her shoulders.
“Hi,” she said softly. “I came to return your clothes.” She held them out like an offering.
“Would you like to come in?” I asked, taking the folded clothing from her. “I was just about to make dinner. Maybe burgers?”
“Um…” her eyes dropped and she stared at her shoes for a second.
Dammit, I’d made her uncomfortable. What had I done wrong now?
Tossing the clothes on the coffee table, I slipped my arm around her, pulling her inside and closing the door. Leading her to the couch, I sat us down, pulling her so that we were facing each other.
“I don’t know what I did wrong,” I said softly. “If I did anything to upset you, I’m sorry. It’s killing me to think that I might have offended you, or hurt you in some way.”
She shook her head, and I couldn’t stand how uncomfortable she looked. “Everything’s fine,” she said, looking up at me. But I could see in her eyes that wasn’t exactly the truth.
Reaching out to take her hand, I was relieved when she squeezed back. “You can tell me anything, kitten. Please. Did I do something? Did I not do something?”
“No.”After a deep breath, she said, “I think I’m just...overwhelmed. I mean, I wanted you before I even knew your name. That’s weird. I guess…I’ve never been in touch with feelings like lust and arousal before, and it’s freaky. When my girlfriends and I all agreed to look for men this summer, I thought maybe I’d be lucky and meet a guy, and go on a date or something. But everything happened so fast. I need time to process things. I need to see things laid out in a straight line so I know what’s going on. It’s just the way I’ve always been.”
I could feel my jaw clenching, and tried to relax it. “Are you saying that you and your friends wanted to pick up guys this summer…as some sort of dare? “
“No,” she said quickly, “nothing like that. The five of us just agreed that we were going to try to be brave and talk to guys. At least meet a few. You know, stop being so shy and put ourselves out there.”
“So you wanted to outdo them by jumping the first guy you met?” I regretted the words the second they were in the air around us.
“ No! ” She yanked her hand away so that she could clench the fabric of her skirt. “Not that at all. It was just a pact that we should all try to be more open-minded. The thing is, I have no idea what I really want when it comes to relationships, because I’ve never been in one. And I’m at a point in my life where I’m really busy, and focused on my music career.”