“Lucy, please.” He held out his hands, actually begging me.
It wasn’t the begging that got to me, though. It was the look in those damn aquamarine eyes. Ah, hell. I remembered that look well. He’d had that same look in his eyes every time he’d tried to help me. “You have one month, if you promise me that you won’t let any of the girls over at your apartment. Not one of them. Keep them away no matter what.” I knew I was going to regret it, but as long as my nieces were away from Jenna and that apartment I would give him a little time. That was it. One month, and then I was going straight to Lana with it.
His wide, thickly muscled shoulders seemed to droop with relief. Damn, why did that hurt so much? Probably because it went to show me how close he was with Jenna now, and how much we had drifted apart. “Thanks, Lu. I appreciate it.”
“Don’t thank me yet. I know I’m going to hate myself for this later.” My voice sounded sad, and I mentally kicked myself for showing that much weakness in front of him. “You should go now. I have homework and some things to go over for the school paper.” I’d never been so happy to have extra homework in my life. As for the school’s paper, I was the editor and I always had something to do regarding it.
“You’re kicking me out?” He took a step toward me, his eyes darkening. “Lucy, I didn’t come here just to talk to you about Jenna. I wanted to see you, to make last night right. Fuck, girl, I’ve missed you so damn much.”
Before he could see my tears, I turned my back to him, going to the door that went straight out to the wraparound porch my dad had built for my mom six years before. I wanted to believe him, desperately ached for him to have really missed our friendship and me for the last four years as much as I had missed it and him. But I didn’t.
I didn’t speak as I walked outside. I couldn’t have uttered a word without announcing that I was two seconds away from crumbling. I hated crying, hated getting emotional. It always led to other things for me and it had been so long since I’d had to resort to something that desperate to make my pain go away.
The wind was blowing and I could smell rain in the air. Shivering, I wrapped my arms around myself and just stared out at the Pacific Ocean, willing the tears away along with the tightness in my chest. I locked my eyes on a bird flying in the distance and slowly counted down from one hundred in my head.
I’d barely reached eighty-eight when I heard Harris behind me. “Remember that summer we all went on tour together? When I stayed on the same bus with you, your parents, and the twins?”
I lost count as memories of that summer flashed through my mind. That had been a crazy summer. I’d been eleven and he’d just turned sixteen. There had been times during that summer as Demon’s Wings and OtherWorld had toured across the United States that I had been the happiest I’d ever been in my whole life. There were also some really bad memories from that summer that I hated remembering.
“When it was over, I felt like I’d never be the same. For three months I got to see you every day. Every damn day, Lu. I didn’t have to text or call you so we could talk. I didn’t have to wait for that ding in the middle of the night that told me you couldn’t sleep and needed me. We would get up and sit in that tiny-ass living room and play video games or watch movies. Or just talk.” He let out a laugh that was full of an emotion I didn’t want to put a name to just then. “I know that might have been a pretty shitty summer for you at times, and yeah it was no picnic for me, but it was the best summer of my life. I haven’t had a summer that good since.”
I shut my eyes tight so that my tears wouldn’t spill free. The pain in my chest felt like it was going to suffocate me. Damn it, oh goddamn it. I couldn’t handle when this happened—when the emotional pain started to consume me. I was weak, so pathetically weak. I grabbed onto the banister, the wood biting into my tender palms painfully. The pain was enough to center me and I felt like I could suck in a deep breath again through the tightness in my chest once more. Physical pain was so much easier to deal with than the emotional kind.
“Some people didn’t understand how we could have been so close with the age gap between us, but it didn’t bother me. It didn’t matter what they said or thought. You knew the real me, and that was all I cared about. No one has ever gotten that close to me, Lu. No one has wanted to and I sure as hell haven’t wanted it. Not because I don’t want it—I do. It gets so damn lonely at times, but I know that no matter what, the friendship I have with them will never compare to what I had with you.”
“We were just kids, Harris. It was a childhood friendship that we both outgrew.” I was so glad my voice didn’t show him how torn up I was. How destroyed I was over what he’d just confessed to me.
“I didn’t outgrow it, Lu. I’m never going to outgrow it or you. And if you would just give me a chance, I’ll show you.”
Chapter 5
Lucy
I d
on’t know why I said yes. Call it a moment of insanity, PMS, lack of sleep, or Kin catching me at exactly the right—or in this case the wrong—time. Whatever. I regretted agreeing as soon as I’d said yes.
Now, I was stuck with no viable excuse to get out of it.
Fudge buckets.
“Don’t give me that pouty face,” Kin said with a smirk as Marcus pulled up outside of First Bass Wednesday evening. “It’s not going to kill you to sit and listen to me destroy a good song. I’m not that bad.”
Tonight was open mike night and Kin wanted to participate. She said she wasn’t much of a musician, but the girl had some serious writing skills. I should know since she was now one of my best writers for the school’s paper. I loved Kin, and I would have sat and supported her through an open mike night anytime, but why did it have to be at First Bass? There were at least twenty other clubs that had this same thing going on right that minute.
Of course, First Bass had a few extra things that all the other clubs didn’t. For one, First Bass had big-name music executives sitting in the crowds. Everyone who performed on open mike night got a chance to get noticed, got the chance to make those execs open their eyes to a talent they had been sniffing around for.
Reason number two was probably the biggest reason that Kin wanted to be at First Bass tonight: Jace St. Charles, lead singer of Tainted Knights, and aka Kin’s ex. I wouldn’t say I was surprised when Kin told me after school on Monday about her relationship with the up and coming rock star. After her reaction to him Saturday night I’d figured something was up with them. That they had dated and then Jace had dumped Kin days after she had found out that her mother was dying of cancer made me want to throat punch the asshole.
Kin wanted to show him that she was over him and so here we were, ready to go inside one of the last places on the planet I wanted to be. I didn’t want to see Harris again after what had happened Sunday. Didn’t want to rehash the ugly scene that had followed after he—Oh damn. I tried to block it out, but it wouldn’t fade.
“I didn’t outgrow it, Lu. I’m never going to outgrow it or you. And if you would just give me a chance, I’ll show you.”
I turned to face him, finally able to do so without the fear of embarrassing myself with stupid tears. “But I’ve outgrown you, Harris. I’ve moved on. I don’t need you anymore.” It was a total lie, a complete bullshit lie, but this was what I had to do. I knew that what I felt for that guy went beyond just friendship and I didn’t want to risk my heart when I knew that it could never be more than that.
The pain that flashed through his eyes had the power to eviscerate me. I hardened my heart to it, putting up all the walls I kept erect for the outside world. It felt so wrong to do that with Harris but it was the only way. I wasn’t strong enough—
“Lucy, you don’t mean that. You can try to tell yourself you don’t need me all you want, but I know you.” His laugh was sad, and I had to bite my lip to keep it from trembling. “And then again, maybe you don’t need me. The thing is, I don’t care. I miss you, damn it. I miss you and I want us to be friends again. Just give it a chance, Lu.”