At the time when Andy and I broke up, I didn't think that my heartache could possibly be any worse, at any point in my life.
So this new level of angst completely blindsided me. I'd always taken my time, getting to know someone before finding out whether or not we clicked physically. Now that I’d had a little time and space, I could honestly say that Andy and I never really clicked physically. He didn't send sparks shooting through me from a simple touch on my arm. His kisses didn't make me weak in the knees.
Not like Eric. The indescribable desire to be near him was like a hot shimmering halo around me at all times. I honestly felt changed from one strange night and morning together.
I didn't know whether to be horrified that he discovered what pub I hung out at, or impressed. My gut reaction was that I was touched he would go to so much trouble. But it was also a little extreme.
Yet having to look into his eyes while I hurt him was too much to bear. I'd never had a very healthy level of self-esteem, and it had taken a major hit when I'd been dumped so hard. Trying to see myself in a new light, through Eric's sweet gaze, was oddly thrilling.
It was absolutely impossible to concentrate on writing my essay, and choosing classes for next term. Every single thing about the field of writing and English had always excited me, but now everything seemed dull and slightly blurry.
I wanted to ask Eric his opinion on what classes I should take. I wanted to ask him what he thought about language changing in each form of media, to help me get my next essay started.
I wanted to ask if he would ever forgive me for making him feel… Whatever he was feeling when I saw that horrific expression on his face as I walked away.
Rubbing my eyes roughly to try to stop the tears, I told myself that telling him the truth was better than beating around the bush and trying to let him down easy. Some things were just out of our control, and this was one of those situations.
I just wished that I could see straight, and that this hole where a heart should be would stop throbbing with phantom pain.
I couldn't take a chance by going against The Knowing. It would be one thing if I was hurt, but if Eric was with me when something terrible happened, I would never forgive myself.
Venting everything with Kelly over a bottle of cheap wine was helpful. She’d heard the stories of my weird family over the years, and she agreed that a declaration from Nana was not something that could be messed with.
She was very happy that I’d clicked with someone though. It gave her another opportunity to rant about how horrible Andy was
, and how I’d find someone soon who treated me well. Kelly was an excellent cheerleader, but once she left, I’d sunk into a pit of despair again.
Two days later, I was still unable to concentrate properly. There was no way in heck I was going to let myself become one of those girls who messed up their grades because of some guy.
I was almost relieved when my phone rang with an unknown number. If it was a stupid sales call, at least it would be a distraction for a moment.
"Hello?" I said, hearing my voice hitch.
“Eden, it's Eric. Please don't hang up. Please just listen for two minutes."
My throat closed as I burst into tears again. I didn’t know whether I should be angry that he was using another number. It was a bit shifty. But it was such a relief to hear his voice that I wanted to forgive it.
"Oh God, baby… Don't cry. Please. Just listen, okay?"
"Okay,” I barely managed to squeak.
"Your Nana said don't go to bed with the devil, right?"
He was speaking very quickly as if he needed to spit it all out before I hung up. But I knew I had to hear him out. "The only time we were in bed, we were just sleeping. And we weren't really together, there was a wall of pillows between us, remember? Also, you didn't get into bed with me. I put you to bed. I know that sounds like a very minuscule difference, but in a court of law, it would hold up. Don't you think?"
"Maybe?”
"Okay, stay with me. We had sex in the kitchen. That's not in bed. In the shower, which is not in bed. So I think it's reasonably safe to say that we haven't crossed the curse yet. Are you with me so far?"
"Yes. I guess so."
“So I don't feel like it would be breaking any rules if you and I sat down over a coffee and had a business meeting about the situation."
I was so distraught that a giggle burst out of me like a hiccup. "Business meeting?"
"Yes. We could meet in a coffee shop, and just have a chat." He paused, and I heard his voice soften. "Partly because I really need to know that you're alright. It's killing me to hear you so upset."
He stayed silent for a moment, allowing me to take a breath. "It hurts,” I choked. "I miss you. And I feel like maybe seeing you again will make everything hurt even more."