MANifesting

She stuck her tongue out saucily. “He likes the rocker girl look, so I pile on the eyeliner.”

“You’re changing yourself for him?” Christine was such a strong personality that I couldn’t imagine it.

Her head tipped back and forth as she considered. “No, not exactly. It’s more like…he brings out that side of me.”

I added “Doesn’t want to change me’ to the list.

Christine leaned over to give me a hug, then gulped the last of her coffee. “I expect a full report tomorrow of how this event went,” she said, tapping my notebook. “Go meet some people. Even if you only stay for half an hour, it’ll be good for you to get started. Forward momentum. Don’t the self-help books mention that a lot?”

She waved as she breezed out the door.

I knew that she wasn’t actually making fun of me, but her teasing still struck a chord. I knew that I was uptight and structured most of the time. It was the way I held myself together in a chaotic world.

I had watched as my mother let life push her around – my father leaving her when I was a baby, then a string of nowhere jobs. Now she was semi-retired in Florida thanks to a small amount of money from when my grandfather passed away, and it was the first stability she’d ever had.

But maybe Christine was right. Keeping things precisely the same didn’t move my life forward. I was nervous when I asked for a promotion at the bookstore, and had been scared when I cut my hair, but those things had turned out fabulous.

But it was different when my next goal involved becoming extremely close with another person. A stranger at first. This was the moment when I could do what was easy, and avoid it for now, or what was hard, and put myself out there.

My fingers began to shake at the idea of going to the event, and my back slumped from the need to disappear. Rolling my shoulders back, I took a deep breath, then I thought.

If I went home to change, had a snack, then popped by the lounge for just half an hour, maybe I could solidify some of my intentions, then come home and make a complete list of everything I was looking for.

I always joked that “manifest” truly means “make a list.” There was no way I was going to manifest a man unless I made a proper list first.

CHAPTER TWO

* Kellan *

There were so many things that I couldn’t depend on in this world, and I could not believe my younger brother Dale had become one of them. I knew it was bad news as soon as I saw that the number calling the main line was his. “Good evening, Duke Lounge. How may I help you?”

“Kellan, it’s Dale. Listen, I’m really sorry, but Cheryl needs my help tonight, and I won’t make it in.”

My knuckles clenched around the wooden edge of the bar. “This whole singles mixer thing was your idea,” I said through gritted teeth.

“No, I just told the women running the event that they could have it there. Other than covering my shift, you don’t even have to do anything. They’ll just take up the back area and...I don’t know. Drink and mingle, I guess.”

“Dale, if I have to cover you tonight, don’t even think that you’re getting shifts this weekend,” I said. “Those will be going to Jackie.”

I could almost hear him hanging his head in disappointment. “Oh. Yeah, I understand.”

“I have to give shifts to the people I know will show up,” I said as calmly as possible. “I can’t be here all the time.”

“Okay. Thanks. Got to go.”

For a brief flash, I was glad that he didn’t become a doctor if this was how easily he blew off appointments. Even though my brother was five years younger , I didn’t like to treat him as a kid. I thought he’d been getting on track when he had been planning to go to med school. But then he met Cheryl.

I used to like and respect my kid brother , but this new woman changed him completely. I got a bad feeling when she demanded that he buy her jewelry when they’d only been together a few weeks. It was like she was demanding to be symbolically claimed too early. It was a subtle sign, but I didn’t like it.

After diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, and ostentatious European weekend getaways, she practically ordered Dale to propose. I couldn’t imagine how much debt he must have gone into for that ring, or maybe he used the cash he’d been saving for university, since Cheryl changed that plan.

She planned and supervised a lavish wedding after they’d only been together five months. Nobody could believe it, but Dale continued acting like this was expected, and that he was happy with everything.

Months later, his life was nothing but working twelve-hour construction days, trying to pick up extra shifts at my bar, and obeying Cheryl’s every command.

The weirdest thing was, Dale didn’t seem phased at all. I tried to speak with him, and Mom did too, but he said he was happy.

Being the complete opposite of my brother in some ways, I needed total control at all times. That was the only way I made this bar work for the past few years, then managed to buy two more. Running the Duke Lounge, Duke’s Bar & Grill, and Duke’s Little Bar kept me running between the three neighborhoods