MANifesting

“No,” I said emphatically. “This is the planning stage. Figuring out what it is that I have decided to set my intention on.”

“Oh, knock it off and just go out with the guy,” she said. “Get a few dates out of the way, and figure it out on the fly like everybody else.”

It was impossible to explain myself to her accurately. I had to plan things in advance. I’d always been this way. If I didn’t, bad things might happen. If I just let life toss me around, I’d end up struggling like my mother, and find myself married to a total loser.

“Look,” she said gently, “I know that you’re a bit uptight and particular about your lists and planning and whatever. But we’re talking about love here. That’s a force bigger than logic. You can’t plan it. You can only feel it.”

“How many times have you been in love?”

Christine paused. “Wow. I thought I was a couple of times, but I’m pretty sure it was only infatuation. I was definitely in love with Dylan, but that certainly didn’t work out.”

“Sorry to bring that up.”

“No, that’s all right,” she said. “I’d rather have some heartbreak than never use my heart at all, you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“So you’re going to have to get out there and go on a few dates before you’re ready,” she said, in her most businesslike tone. “You’re going to have to call the bar and get his name.”

“Kellan.”

“Oh, I like that.”

“Me too,” I giggled. Every time I pictured his face, I felt floaty and giddy. “I have his card, but I don’t know about calling him. I’ll think about it, is that fair?”

“Absolutely. Hey – do you want to go out f

or a quick dinner and a drink tomorrow night?”

“A Friday night where you don’t have a date?” I asked.

“Of course I have a date,” she snorted. “I have you. Meet you at Goldie’s at seven.”

“Sure.”

We hung up , and I turned back to my notebook. Staring at the page framed with starry washi tape, the thoughts just wouldn’t come.

I got up to make some herbal tea, settling back down on the couch to create a calm, focused mood as I lit a vanilla candle, then picked up my special silver and purple pen.

Why did I want a man in the first place? Out of all of the thoughts that flooded my mind, the ones that stood out seemed so frivolous, but I wrote them down anyway. The feeling of my nice pen across the thick paper was almost like meditating.

– I want him to make me feel unique and precious and girlie. I want to feel protected. Safe.

– I want to be one of the most important people in his life, and for him to be one of the most important in mine.

– I want him to touch me in a way that makes the entire world disappear.

My handwriting became messier as the pen moved faster.

I need him to kiss me hard, deep, and make me feel like we’re the only people on the planet. I need him to make me forget to be shy and anxious, and take over completely. I want him to teach me everything. I need to feel his arms around me, and...

My eyes fell closed as I pictured Kellan’s lips. The thought of him kissing me was just too much. Too huge. Too...everything.

CHAPTER FOUR

* Kellan *

Sitting at my favorite small table between the bar counter and the front window, I settled in with a coffee and my laptop to get some paperwork done before the lounge picked up. On Fridays, there was always the same small crowd of people who snuck out of work early and came out for a drink and some pub grub.