Tommy laughed and went to work on the rest of the library, shoving the books from the shelves and wailing in a high-pitched scream. The other children froze, glancing from Tommy to me in horror. And I just squeezed my eyes shut and started to rock back and forth, begging this nightmare to be over. I wanted to be anywhere but here, dealing with this shit. Right now, I felt like I wasn’t even in my own body. Complete mayhem was happening around me, but all I could do was pant and rock, pant and rock.
“What on Earth is going on here?” the head teacher, Mr Farnsworth, shouted. His voice bellowed over the noise of the library, but I didn’t look up. I couldn’t. “Children, go back into class. Miss Boot, will you take Tommy to the nurture room? I’ll deal with him later,” he said to one of the other teaching assistants that must’ve been walking past at the time. “Miss Yates, you need to come to my office. Now.”
I tried to stand up, but I couldn’t. My brain and my body weren’t fully aligned. Inside, I wanted to shrivel up and die right there on the spot. I could feel my muscles compacting, my limbs freezing up. My body felt heavy, empty, devoid of the energy it took to even move. In my head, there was a sea of emotions I was drowning in. I had no control. I couldn’t even deal with a wayward child. I had totally lost it. Every thought was like a tumbling mess, a waterfall of confusion. I couldn’t think straight, and I felt like I was dying.
Suddenly, the weight of warm, strong arms around me and voices telling me it’d be okay broke through the cracks in my soul. Female voices that were soothing and giving me the gentle encouragement I needed to lift myself up off the chair I was slumped into.
“I’ll make a cup of tea. You shouldn’t have come in today, love. It’s all too much.” That was Sue, one of the older teaching assistants, who everyone saw as the mother of the school. Along with Grace, a learning support assistant, she led me into Mr Farnsworth’s office then scuttled off to make the strong tea she said would make me feel better. I took a tissue from a box on the desk to try to clean myself up, but inside I was hollow. It was as if I was stuck in a dark well with no chance of escape. There was no rope to pull me out and no light of hope, only darkness.
A few minutes later, Sue reappeared, clutching a mug of steaming hot tea, and Grace followed with a packet of chocolate biscuits that she told me she’d kept hidden in her locker for emergencies like this. If only my problems could be solved by tea and biscuits. I smiled and thanked them, knowing I wouldn’t be touching any of it.
“Thank you, ladies.” Mr Farnsworth came in and stood at the door as they fussed around me then took the hint and left.
He closed the door behind them then pulled a chair over to sit opposite me. I couldn’t look at him. I probably wouldn’t have been able to look at myself if he’d put a mirror in front of me. I was a shell, an empty vessel. Here in body, but my mind was checking out.
“I think it’s best if you take a bit of time off, Harper. A leave of absence. You’ve been through a trying time, and as a school we want to support you. But we can’t have what happened just now happening again. I have to think about the welfare of the pupils as well as the staff. You aren’t fit to teach at the moment.”
My head shot up. All I heard was, you aren’t fit to teach.
“Are you firing me?”
“No. But I am going to refer you to the occupational health team. I think they’re best qualified to assess whether you’re fit for work. They offer excellent counselling services. Take some time out to get yourself well again. You’re no good to us if you’re like this.”
I shook my head. He was firing me. He wanted me out. I’d made a mistake. One fucking mistake in all the time I’d worked here, and he was forcing me out.
“You can’t do this. I love this place. I live for this job.” I couldn’t stop crying, rocking on my chair and sobbing hysterically. The thought of losing everything was all-consuming. My whole life was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“I know how hard you work. That isn’t in question here. But you’re not well-”
“I’m fine. Please…”
I wasn’t fine. I was the furthest from fine that I’d ever been. I was broken, and I didn’t know what to do. I was lost.
“Harper, let me call Janice in the office and see if she can give you a lift home. I’ll speak to occupational health and get someone to call you today to talk about your options.”
I jumped up from my seat. I didn’t want to hear any more. I knew the children would be spilling out of their classrooms in five minutes, heading for lunch, and I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want them to see my tear-soaked face or witness my breakdown.
“I’m fine. I can drive myself.” I opened the door to leave, still quaking as I sobbed.
“Please, Harper. Let me get someone to take you home. You can’t drive like this.” He went to follow me, but I turned, walking away and calling over my shoulder that I’d be fine.
Fine.
Fucked up more like.
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I’d lost my brother, my job, and now my sanity. I didn’t know how many more knocks I could take before I gave up altogether.
I raced through the corridors, past the office and out to the car park. Once I was in my car, I slumped onto the steering wheel and let it all out. I cried so hard and so loud, but I had to. I had nothing now. Nothing but the wreckage around me. Somehow, I had to piece my life back together from all of this and I had no clue where to start. Rock bottom was cold and lonely, and I wasn’t sure I’d survive.
I don’t know how long I sat in the armchair in the living room, staring out towards the trees in the garden. The cup of tea I’d made myself when I got home was still full to the brim, but it was stone-cold. It gave me something to hold, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of eating or drinking. My mind that’d been so noisy and overwhelming this morning was blank now. A dark hollow cave of nothingness, just like me.
My phone buzzed with another text message from one of my colleagues. No doubt I’d been the hot topic in the staffroom at lunchtime, and as word got round, they were texting to offer their support. I didn’t want to message back. They didn’t want me there, so why should I waste my energy?
I heard the front door open and then Mum and Dad’s voices as they bustled into the kitchen, carrying what sounded like shopping bags.
“Harper, you’re home early. Is everything all right, love?” Dad had seen me sitting in the living room as he walked past, and he backtracked to come in and talk to me.