“My twin brother died. Well, I say died, he was murdered.” I shrugged like it was nothing. It fucking wasn’t.
“Murdered? Do you want to elaborate? I understand if it’s too difficult at the moment.”
He started to scribble down notes, and I stared at the wall opposite with its framed awards that meant absolutely nothing.
Did I want to elaborate?
I guessed it wouldn’t hurt to put out there what was already common knowledge. Everyone in Sandland knew about Brodie.
“He was in a fight. The guy hit him, and he went down, banging his head off the concrete floor and fracturing his skull. He bled out on that floor. A filthy barn with hay and shit everywhere. It was degrading.”
Counsellor guy stopped writing and looked up. Despite what I’d thought only moments ago, I was starting to open up. I had to offload. The whole sordid saga had built up inside of me, like bile that clung to every inch of my soul, stagnant, and damaging for far too long. I needed a release.
“I held him in my arms as he died. I’ve still got the clothes I wore that night too. They’re covered in blood, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of them. I need to keep them.”
“Why do you need to keep them, Harper?”
I looked at him like he was an idiot.
“Because they remind me of what happened and what I need to do next.”
“And what is that?”
Did he really need to ask?
My need to impress this guy had long since flown out the window and I couldn’t hold back from blurting out what truly lay in my heart.
“Get revenge. He needs to pay for what he’s done to us, what he did to Brodie that night. He can’t just get away with it. No one else seems bothered about making him pay, but I am, and I will. Make him pay, that is.”
Counsellor guy huffed out through his nose, like what I’d said had offended him. I couldn’t care less.
“Do you think it’s healthy to hold on to that anger and use it in this way? Anger is a valid reaction to your grief, and it’s natural to attach that anger to someone else. But the way you’re talking now? The fire that’s suddenly ignited in you? You seem consumed by this other man and the want for revenge. This is the first time I’ve seen you get animated today. But negativity breeds negativity, Harper.”
“Consumed?” I started shaking. I couldn’t believe he was arguing with me. “He killed my brother. I’m consumed by thoughts of what I want to do to him to make him suffer.”
“But you’d never act those out, would you?” He was staring at me now, notepad discarded, and he was poised, waiting for me to say the wrong thing. He was trying to trick me.
“Why not?” I said, holding my chin higher in defiance.
He shook his head.
“I think you could benefit from some one-to-one counselling. You are placing a lot of your energy into something which is ultimately going to destroy you from the inside out. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Yeah, I do, and I want to tell you to fuck off. If I want revenge, I’ll get it.
“Harbouring anger, guilt, all of that is normal. But to seek out revenge is something else entirely. It’s not healthy.”
I flipped, feeling backed into a corner by his fake sincerity.
“So, he can terrorise me, but I have to take it? I can’t fight back?”
He started to root around in his folder, then he pulled out a piece of paper to read from.
“I have a note here that says you thought you saw someone in your back garden.” He looked back up at me. “Are you seeing things like that a lot?”
The ringing in my ears intensified. My throat dried up, and I reached for the plastic cup of water to help me speak.
“That was a private matter. My parents swore they wouldn’t tell anyone.”