He’d hidden that from all of us, and it made me angry. Why hadn’t he told me? Why had he gone ahead with it knowing he wasn’t at his best? In all his bravado, he hadn’t ever put us first. He hadn’t thought about what it’d be like for us to live a life without him. He hadn’t taken care of himself. His pride had trumped everything else, even me.
I placed the documents back into the folder and opened my laptop, ready to do some research of my own. A subarachnoid haemorrhage was what the doctors called it. Looking at all the articles online, I realised that Brodie’s chances of surviving something like that would’ve been slim. If he had survived, his life would never have been the same. I didn’t even want to picture what that would’ve meant for him, but I knew it wasn’t pretty. I also knew Brodie wouldn’t have wanted to live like that.
My heart felt heavy as I trawled through websites to try and get my head around it all. My whole body was shaking, but finding out about it, seeing it in plain English, written in black and white, that was something I’d had to do. I needed this to help me move on and begin to accept what I couldn’t change.
The more I read, the more mixed up and helpless I felt, and I realised I wanted to reach out to someone. I needed help. I missed the Legion I knew before I realised who he was.
I tried to save you.
Did he really believe that? Did he honestly think that watching me had been a way to help? I couldn’t work out what had been going through his mind, and in all truth, I don’t think he did either. He was as mixed up about all this as I was.
I’m not the devil you’ve been painting me out to be.
I’d always said the devil appears in many forms. Legion himself admitted he was plagued by demons. Then it hit me. His demons had taken hold the day his mum left him. They’d magnified when he was abused and bullied to the point of being brutally scarred. And those scars? They were real, and I couldn’t bury my head in the sand anymore.
I knew Jensen had bullied kids in school, but he’d always taken a particular dislike to Brandon. My brother had followed Jensen like a damn puppy dog, and in those years, I’d been the annoying sister he’d wanted to ditch at every opportunity. He’d even got Mum and Dad to move me into a different class so he could be free. I covered my mouth and held in the sob I felt rise up in my throat. Those initials that’d been carved on Brandon were the work of Jensen and my brother. I couldn’t hide from that anymore. And it was no wonder Brandon hated them like he did. They were the reason he was the way he was.
I took a few deep breaths. Trying to come to terms with the fact that my brother wasn’t perfect was tough. He was my twin. I was supposed to know everything. But I realised I didn’t. Or maybe I’d had a clue and I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. If that was the case, then I was guilty too. Guilty for letting that abuse go on for all those years when I could’ve stopped it. In my eyes, that made me as fucked-up as Brandon. He had his demons and so did I. But at least he owned them. Me? I was in denial.
Well, not anymore.
I still felt unbearable grief. I probably always would. I loved my brother, and whatever he’d done in the past wouldn’t change that. But I had to find a way to move forward with my life. To actually live my life. I couldn’t stand these chains anymore. I needed to feel free.
I couldn’t stop myself from clicking onto the website and heading to the chatroom. I tried to convince myself that I needed to hear another stu
pid story from Fucking Alan to lighten my mood, or maybe have a heart-to-heart with Emo Girl to try to make sense of everything and possibly feel like I wasn’t alone. But who was I kidding? I knew what I really wanted. I wanted to see if he’d been on there. In some cruel, twisted way, I needed to have that connection with him.
LadyStoneheart23 has joined the chat
I could see a few familiar names on the main chatroom, but that wasn’t what drew me in. It was the private message waiting for me at the bottom of the screen from the sender, Legion.
My hand was shaking as the mouse hovered over it. I knew I’d open it, there was never any doubt about that, but I still had to brace myself for whatever lay behind that one click. Then, I took the leap of faith and I opened the message.
Legion – Harper,
I know I said I would give you space, but let’s be honest here… When have I ever done anything I’m told to do?
I know I shouldn’t be contacting you on here. You probably won’t even see this anyway. You’ll take one look at my name and delete this, but whatever. I need to get this off my chest. I’m not the kind of man to shut up and take all the crap that’s being thrown his way. I did that for years and now… I can’t do it. I have to be heard. Maybe I’m a narcissist? Or a psychopath or something? Hell, the fact that I’m even asking myself that shows what a twat I can be sometimes. I know I’m not like most guys out there. But I’m trying to change. I want to change. For you.
No one should have to change. Not for anyone. I bit my lip, feeling nervous as I read on.
I’ve never said this to anyone before. I’ve never felt the need to justify myself for anything in my life, but with you, I do. Harper, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened with your brother. I’m sorry that anything I did after that night scared you or made you feel like you couldn’t cope. What can I say? I was fucked up in the head. Probably still am if I’m being honest.
I’m sorry that my being here makes you feel like you don’t want to be. I hate that. I don’t ever want you to leave. Not because of me.
But most of all, I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I want to take it away, but I don’t know how. Everything I do or say seems to make it worse, and I’m lost, little warrior. I’m lost here.
I don’t know what else to tell you right now, but I hope that one day you’ll find the happiness you deserve. I pray that one day I get to see it. All I want is to see that sparkle in your eyes again.
I’ve attached a video link. I guess it says how I feel better than any words I could use. Watch it. And when you do, know that this is my message to you. I’m not a good guy, but I want to be. I haven’t always done the right thing, but with your help I hope I’m learning.
Be strong, little warrior. One day, it’ll all turn out right.
Brandon x
I was shaking and the tears were streaming down my face. His words were unexpected and just so beautiful.
I had no idea what the YouTube video would show me. I’d never heard of the song Demons by Imagine Dragons, but I put my Air Pods in and clicked on the link, and I watched and really listened.