“They’re zinnias.” She nodded at the lively explosion of colour nestled inside the bouquet. “They last the longest. Or at least, that’s what google told me. I know it’s silly and he’s not really here. But this is all we have now. Doctor Meredith said it helps to be able to talk to him. I like to talk to him here.”
Dad came up behind Mum and bent down to kiss the top of her head. “Whatever helps to get us through the day, hey?”
We worked together in silence for a few minutes, cleaning, trimming, and arranging everything. When the last flower was set in place, Dad gathered up the discarded cuttings and rubbish and stood up.
“Shall we take these to the bin and then have a little walk around? Give Harper and Brodie a few minutes alone?” he asked Mum.
“I think that’s a good idea,” she replied, although she looked torn between wanting to stay and leaving us behind.
“Thanks.” I stayed sitting on the ground next to Brodie’s grave. I was grateful that they were giving me some time alone. The things I wanted to say I didn’t feel I could say in front of them.
“We’ll be over there when you need us.” Dad pointed to a gazebo in the middle of the graveyard, with benches evenly placed around the edge. “No rush, love.”
I watched them walk off and when I felt satisfied they were far enough away not to hear me I turned to look at the cold marble.
“I never thought I’d be talking to you like this, but then I didn’t expect a lot of things to happen recently. I think I’ve gone through every emotion there is since you left us.
“I hated you for leaving. I was angry that you did this to us and to yourself. Why didn’t you ever listen to me? I had a bad feeling that night, but you wouldn’t stop and…” I took a breath. I needed to slow my racing thoughts and jumbled words.
“What’s the point in hashing it all out again? One of the main things I’ve come to learn through the heartache, anger, loss, and guilt is acceptance. Acceptance for the things I can’t change. For the life I have to live now. You were always going to do what you wanted to do and that’s okay. It was your life to lead. But now, I have to lead mine.”
I stroked my fingers through the soft grass and felt a calmness settle over me.
“I know you’re probably looking down on me and thinking I’m making a right royal balls-up of it all. Maybe I am, but I can only go on what I feel, and after doing the right thing for so long, I want to do what I want for a change. What feels right for me. Choose a path that hasn’t been dictated by anyone else. Damn it, Brodie, even my school years were controlled by you. You wouldn’t let me be in your class. You shut me out for the most part, and now I know why.”
This was the part I was dreading. Telling him that I knew what he had done and trying to come to terms with it.
“Why did you do it? Why would you want to make another person feel so shitty just to make yourself look big in front of your friends? Friends who were really crap at having your back, by the way. Do you know what Jensen did? Did you watch him hit me? Brandon did. He’s also been the only person, apart from Emily and Ryan, that’ve stood by me through this. You have really shitty taste in friends. I sometimes find myself wondering what it’d be like if you’d been on their side, the Renaissance men, I mean. How different would our lives be now? You’d probably still be here for one. But I can’t change anything and daydreaming about what ifs isn’t ever going to bring you back or make anything about this feel right.
“I guess what I’m trying to say, in my rambling, bumbling way, is that I forgive you. I forgive you for the God-awful mistakes you made back in school. I know that deep down you were a good person. You did something wicked. So, so wrong. But that’s your cross to bear, and if there is a heaven, I’m pretty certain you’ll be doing everything you can up there to make amends.”
I glanced up at the sky, the weight of guilt already drifting slowly away.
“He made mistakes too, but he’s a good man, Brodie. I know you and he would’ve never seen eye-to-eye. You’re probably pulling your hair out right now and telling me it’s too soon, I don’t know him, he’s using me. But I don’t feel that.”
I took another deep breath and tried to make sense of my puzzled mind.
“I’m not here looking for your approval. I know you well enough to know you’d never give it. I’m here to tell you that he makes me happy. If he ever stops making me happy, I’ll walk away. After everything I’ve been through, I’m finally beginning to accept my own self-worth. I deserve more. I lived in your shadow for long enough and I like having the sun on my face for a change. I’m not saying I don’t miss you every hour of every day, because I do. There’ll always be a part of me that feels empty and lost without you. But he makes those dark days more bearable.
“He never meant for any of this to happen. I know there was no love lost between the two of you, but he isn’t a killer. If he could go back and change it, he would.
“Anyway, what I’m trying to say is I’m with Brandon now. But I don’t want you to think this means I’ve forgotten about you, or I condone anything about that night. Life is shit sometimes, but we have to make the best of what we have. This is me making the best of it.”
I couldn’t stop myself from smiling, thinking about the chocolate bars, and then all the online messages, and the way he’d treated me since he’d stepped out of the shadows to face the music.
“He reminds me of you. He’s a little off-the-wall sometimes, and he hasn’t got the first clue about dating. He says stupid shit because he doesn’t think, but it isn’t because he’s thoughtless. He acts before he engages his brain, just like you. He puts everyone else before himself, and he gets it wrong probably more times than he gets it right, but that’s what I love about him. He’s real, Brodie. What you see is what you get. He might be a little rough around the edges, a little coarse for some people, but not me. I like him. A lot. Hell, what am I saying? I love him. And I am one hundred percent dreading telling Mum and Dad about this.”
I peered over my shoulder to see Mum and Dad sat huddled together on a bench in the gazebo, both of them staring right at me.
“I think I’ll need to work up to that one, but coming here today and telling you is a start. Another step forward.”
I pushed myself up off the floor and ran my hand over the top of his gravestone.
“I’ll see you soon, Brodie. I lo
ve you, bro.”
I made my way over to my parents, and Dad stood up and held his arms open, ready to hug me. I buried my face in his chest and breathed him in. There was a serenity inside of me that I hadn’t felt for a long time. Whether that was because I’d lifted some of the burden from my shoulders after talking to Brodie, or because being held by my dad always made things feel less hopeless, I didn’t know. To be honest, it was probably a mixture of both of those things. I was lucky I had such supportive, loving parents. Brandon didn’t have that, and the thought made me ache for him. It made me want to hold him in my arms and give him that feeling that he’d missed out on all his life.