This Cruel Love

“Does that go for buckets of water too?”

I laughed. “Not if you want me to actually stick around tonight and do this damn networking for you.”

“I might have to resort to the bucket of water if you drink at the same rate you have been lately.”

My jovial mood instantly soured, and I walked towards the door.

“Ever thought I might drink to drown you out?”

“I know why you do it, Ryley. Trust me, I’ve let it go for a long time now, but things have got to start changing around here.”

“You’re right. I need to get my own place. Then you don’t have to see me drinking anymore.”

The event was being held in an upmarket hotel in the city. There was the usual crowd of stuck up rich folk, with their air kisses and habit of blowing smoke up each other’s asses.

We walked in together. Jackson held his hand at the small of my back, but I pushed away from him and made my way over to the free bar.

“Remember, pace yourself. I’m not saying you can’t drink tonight, but we have got a few hours here. There’s a meal and a presentation first. After that, the night’s yours, but before then just try to stay as sober as you can. I’m not asking for a lot, but I don’t want people thinking our charity is a joke.”

My back went up. “Is one of those awards for how much of a worthless piece of shit you’re making me feel right now?”

I turned my back to him and ordered a glass of wine and a shot of vodka.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like a piece of shit. I’m just looking out for you.”

“Is that what you call it? I know what your brand of protection involves. I can do without that, thank you very much.”

Cillian sidled up to us, with his trademark half-smile and twinkle in his eyes.

“Evening, lovers, and how are we both tonight?” He gestured for the barman’s attention and ordered a whiskey on ice.

“I could say we’re fine, but I’d rather tell the truth.” I gulped my shot of vodka back in one go, and then took a sip of my wine. It wasn’t enough. I needed more.

“You know, you don’t have to stay here with me,” I said, looking Jackson’s way. “You can go off. Do some soul searching. Who knows, maybe you’ll find one.”

To my surprise, he didn’t react, or throw back an equally sarcastic response like he usually did. He wasn’t playing ball tonight. Why was that?

“I’m not taking your bait. Insult me all you want.” He sipped his whiskey and leant on a bar stool, as if he was a freaking god. He looked like he owned the room and all the people in it; he was so arrogant.

“I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you are a fucking cactus.” I was goading him, I knew that, but I couldn’t stop.

“Watch your language,” he hissed through gritted teeth, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“That’s all you’ve got? Watch my language.” I gulped the rest of my wine down then slammed my glass on the bar. I leant forward over the bar to catch the barman’s attention, hoping to get a hasty refill.

“What? You want me to start a fight with you here in front of everyone?” He shook his head and leant into me. “Not gonna happen.” He sighed and put his whiskey down then reached forward and pulled my arm so I was standing closer to him. Cillian just looked awkward and moved away from us.

“I’m worried about you, okay? I do care, you know. I do have feelings. Contrary to what you might think. I know you like to paint me as some kind of devil, but I care about you, Ryley. I don’t like standing by and watching what he’s done to you, what you’re doing to yourself. I’m not gonna stand by and watch it anymore. After tonight, I’m getting you some help.”

He looked at me with pain and what could’ve passed for empathy. I felt conflicted, at odds with wanting to escape the real world, and scared to find out what it would be like if I did let myself feel again. I couldn’t deny he was getting under my skin, and that unnerved me. He made me feel things that petrified me almost as much as the whole Justin cheating thing. If I couldn’t trust Justin, who I’d known for all those years, how could I trust a man like Jackson? And yet, I could feel myself being drawn to him. He was like a magnet that I was fighting tooth and nail to repel with my failsafe sarcasm and bitter put-downs. We were opposites and we couldn’t attract, not now… not ever. It’d never work. I knew I was using every tool I had in my arsenal to keep him at arm’s length, and most times it worked. But it wasn’t working tonight. He wasn’t guarded like he usually was.

He seemed to want to keep me close, to protect me. It made me uneasy.

“When I see your face, there’s nothing I would change,” I said, and his face softened. “Except the direction I’m walking in.”

I picked up my glass and walked away from them both, determined to get through this night and come out the other side as pain-free as I could.

JACKSON