This Cruel Love

issues around Justin, and the attack.

“You know I love having you around the place, all to myself, but it’s not healthy. You need to get out and I think you’re avoiding it. I’ll go with you if that’ll be easier, or the counsellor could come here. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable, angel.”

He really was my dark knight in well-worn armour. Imperfectly perfect for me and all my fucked up baggage.

With all his commitments and business dealings, he’d put me right at the top of his priority list, and I had to admit, I liked it. No one else had ever taken the time out to care for me like he did. Not Justin, not even my brother. Travis had always fobbed me off for some other drama he had going on in his life. It felt nice to be someone’s priority, to be sheltered with a tenderness that Jackson never seemed to show to anyone else in his life.

“I’ll definitely think about it,” I told him, hoping to placate him somewhat, but questioning whether I was really ready to let someone else into my bubble of safety. “Just give me a little longer, okay? I feel more peaceful now than I have for a long time. I kinda want to hold on to that for a bit before I have to dredge up all the shit I’ve buried lately.”

He smiled and nodded. He got me. He always did.

We found ourselves settling into a cosy routine. Cosy, but oh so frustrating. Most days he’d pop into work when Sylvie was around to keep me company, but he was never away for very long. Sometimes Cill would come round to see how I was, but he always knew never to outstay his welcome. It was the nights that became my favourite hours, and my own private torture. Watching T.V. together with snacks, sitting so close that our legs would touch, sending bolts of longing through me. I hated how the yearning churned me up inside, but I wouldn’t have traded those hours for anything. Me taking the piss out of Jackson for his lack of knowledge on popular culture, and him getting all kinds of irritated at my teasing. He was totally clueless, so I enjoyed introducing him to my favourite shows; Game of Thrones became a particular favourite of his. I’d seen them all already, so I enjoyed watching him watch certain episodes, seeing his reactions. All the time we were getting closer than ever before. I felt myself opening up to him in a way I’d never done with anyone else. In the past, I’d never sat talking and just being with Justin like this, but with Jackson it felt so natural, so right.

Most nights I would slink off to my room, berating myself for not making a move after spending an evening being hyper aware of how close he was. How fucking awesome he smelt, and how much I wanted to slide over and just take control myself. It wasn’t that easy though. This was Jackson Caine, and even though I felt safe with him, there was still a part of me that was wary about moving on. He was a formidable guy, commanding and elusive. I didn’t think my brittle heart could withstand another knockback. So I waited, and hoped that one day it’d happen naturally for us; that he’d be the one to snap, and eventually take what he wanted. What I hoped he wanted. Me.

I woke to a pitch black bedroom, with dancing shadows and delicate piano tones drifting and swirling around me. I lay back on the bed, straining to listen to the music, and I recognised it as Ravel’s Pavane pour une infant defunte. Another one of my dad’s favourite pieces to play, and one that always calmed me after I’d had an argument with my brothers, or after a tough day. Dad called it his pied piper tune, because whenever he played it, I stopped whatever I was doing to come and find him.

I hadn’t changed much from the wayward little girl that was so easily summoned by her dad. Without thought or reason, I found myself subconsciously rising from the bed, then wandering out into the living area to hear the beautiful notes more clearly. The slow, haunting melody was hypnotic to me; it always had been.

I stood in the shadows of the dusky room watching him play. He was totally absorbed in the music and lost in a trance. He played so beautifully it made tears well up and emotion cascade inside me. How could someone who proclaimed to be so cruel and harsh, play with such poise and beauty? He wasn’t the devil he liked to portray; no devil would take the time to perfect their musical art like he did. His demon persona was all smoke and mirrors, I was sure of it. Behind the mask, he had a grace and refinement that he kept hidden from the world. I didn’t want him to keep it hidden any longer though, not from me, anyway.

I took a tentative step forward into the moonlight that bathed the centre of the living room. When he saw me, his fingers came to an abrupt halt over the piano keys, and he turned his head to look straight at me.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” He looked embarrassed, as if he’d been caught doing something shameful.

“You didn’t,” I replied. “I love the piano, and you play so well.” I padded over to the piano and gestured to the lack of sheet music. “Do you always play by ear?”

He sighed and rested his hands in his lap. “I’m self-taught. I can’t read music. I’ve learnt all the pieces I play by ear.”

“That must’ve taken years of practise.” Not to mention the dedication and resilience to perfect. He really was an enigma.

“I didn’t have a piano growing up, but a friend of mine, his dad was a brilliant pianist. He introduced me to classical music, gave me a few lessons, but then we lost contact. It took me a few years after that to pick it back up again, but when I did, it gave me the drive I needed to be better. A better man, if you like.” He smiled and stroked the keys he’d just been playing like they were precious jewels. “Playing the piano helps to focus my mind. It keeps the guilt and revenge from eating me up. When I play, it’s all I think about.”

I loved how he was opening up to me, showing me the hidden layers beneath the façade he was so expert at keeping in place.

“I could listen to you play all day. Why don’t you play in the day? I’ve never heard you play in the daytime.”

He sat back and closed the lid on the piano. It made my stomach drop slightly to think he didn’t want to carry on playing in my presence.

“I like to keep it private, something for me.” He didn’t look at me as he spoke, and I wondered if I should leave. Walk away and let him immerse himself back into his dream world.

“Why don’t you want people to see this side of you? Why hide how beautifully you play?” I stood my ground, willing those layers of his to peel back some more.

“Why should they see anything other than what I want to show them? This is me. Me in all my raw, uninhibited state. But when you show people who you truly are, they only take advantage. Most people are out for themselves, Ryley. Out for what they can get. I keep the real me for nights like this. I don’t want to share that with anyone else.”

“But I like the real you. I like this version better than the steel-walled one you show everyone else.” I willed him to look at me, and he did.

“Maybe I’ll save this version of me just for you then.”

My heart splintered into tiny pieces as he spoke, infusing my body with waves of love and affection for this broken, guarded, beautiful man. I wanted to reach down and touch him, kiss him. Have him take me in his arms and never let me go.

He stood up, towering over me, cloaking me with his sensual aura. I looked up at him through my lashes, holding my breath, waiting to see where this conversation was taking us.

He leant down and kissed my forehead. “Goodnight, angel.”

Then he walked away, leaving me breathless and totally flustered.

The next day I heard voices coming from the kitchen, and I wandered over to the door, absent-mindedly pushing my way through, expecting to find Jackson and Sylvie having their daily chat. What I didn’t expect to see was some stunning blonde babe sitting on one of the stools at the island, sipping a coffee with her perfectly plump red lips and batting her incredibly long eyelashes over at Jackson. He sat opposite her, smiling like a love sick loser and laughing at something she’d said. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.