“I don’t know if I can do that. Talking isn’t easy for me.” This was make or break. I hated these games but I couldn’t seem to stop them.
She huffed and took a step back, trying to break the spell we were both under, but I wouldn’t let that happen. I had to do something, so I moved towards her, closing that distance she’d created and held her gaze with mine, willing her to see what I couldn’t say.
I want you, Effy Spencer. I’ve always wanted you.
My attempts to keep you safe are shit ones, but they come from a place of… love.
“I get that talking isn’t your thing.” She sighed again. “I really do, but we aren’t moving forward. Th
is… whatever it is that’s building between us, well, it isn’t, is it? Building, that is. It’s like waking up in Groundhog Day, wanting to get to the happy ever after but then stalling before the story even starts, if that makes sense. Damn it, even I don’t know what I’m talking about.” She turned to leave, taking every scrap of dignity I had, and when she looked over her shoulder and said–– “When you figure out what it is you want, come and tell me. I’ll be waiting. I’ll always be waiting” ––I reached out to grab her arm and pull her back to me.
She didn’t resist. She wanted me to stop her. She wanted more too.
And so did I.
I leant my head down to rest my forehead against hers, feeling the warmth of her breath as it mingled with mine.
“I’m counting on it,” was all I could manage to say. My senses were too wrapped up in what it felt like to breathe her in as my air.
We stood like that for a few seconds, the world around us falling away, and all that mattered was being close, being connected. When she spoke next, I felt the cracks of my heart slowly easing, healing, and reaching out for her as the one true lifeline I’d always clung to.
“Kiss me.”
She spoke so softly I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming it, or imagining this moment in the way my mind wanted it to go. But when she tilted her head up and her lips skimmed mine, I knew this was it. This was the moment when it all changed for us, and I couldn’t stop it. I wanted it to change. Usually, I hated feeling out of control or losing power, but this wasn’t a loss. It was me clawing back my life, trying to put right what had been taken away from me. My right to happiness.
Slowly, so as not to scare her away, I pressed my lips to hers. The softness I’d always dreamed about was now a reality, and one that I was falling headfirst into. I would never recover from this.
My lips moved against hers, finding a rhythm, feeling, tasting, loving. And then she opened her mouth to mine, and our tongues started to dance together. I breathed out hard through my nose, revelling in the head rush that this kiss was giving me. I didn’t care that we were standing on her porch in full view of the street. I grabbed the back of her neck, threading my fingers into her hair and I took life from her through this kiss. Life and hope.
She placed her hands on my hips and I held her head in my hands, wanting to deepen our connection, get lost in a kiss that I never wanted to end. But happiness had always been fleeting for me, and when she pulled away and caught her breath, touching her lips like she couldn’t quite believe what she’d done, I knew the spell had been broken. Reality came crashing down like the unwelcome third party, and I braced myself for her to say it had all been a mistake. When she stayed silent, I beat her to it.
“I shouldn’t have done that.”
Her subtle flinch didn’t go unnoticed.
“Yes. You should. I asked you to. Remember?”
“I can’t do this,” I said, stepping back.
“Why not? What’s wrong with me? Fucking hell, Finn, stop doing this to me. You’re making me feel like such a loser.”
She covered her face with her hands, so I moved closer and pulled them down to look at her. This was heading in a direction that I didn’t want to go. I had to steer us back on track.
“You’re not a loser, and there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect.”
Her eyes sparkled but I could tell she was still keeping her guard up. I couldn’t blame her. When had I ever given her what she needed? That confirmation that she was safe with me, that her feelings and emotions were safe. I hadn’t. I’d been a prick and I knew it.
“Then why don’t you ever want me?”
That spike in my chest twisted again, making it hard to breathe.
“I do.”
“If you wanted me, you wouldn’t keep doing this to me.”
It was my turn to run my hand over my face and sigh deeply at what a monumental fuck-up I’d made of everything.
“I know. I’m sorry.”