Fractured Minds (Rebels of Sandland 3)

“Because I owe her that much,” I replied, swallowing the rest of my answer back down.

“You don’t owe anyone anything, Finn.” Brandon took another step closer to me, still pointing his finger as Effy stood up and watched us, speechless.

“I let it happen,” I said, feeling so weak that I barely had the energy to stand up.

“You were a kid yourself. What the fuck could you have done?”

“I didn’t fight.”

“You fight every fucking day.”

“It’s all my fault.”

“It’s not your fucking fault.”

“I’m so ashamed––”

“What are you ashamed about? TELL ME!”

“I’m ashamed… because he raped me too.”

Silence.

The three of us stood in total silence.

All I could hear was my panting breaths and the buzzing in my ears. My secret was out and there was no going back.

Brandon was the first to break the blisteringly painful silence.

“I’m so sorry. I’m just so so sorry.” He hung his head in shame, wincing as if he was in physical pain and whispered, “I know I shouldn’t say this, but I’ve always suspected something might’ve happened to you too. I didn’t want to push you on it, but I had a feeling.” He sighed and took a few deep breaths as I stood frozen and numb. I was shocked at myself for finally saying it out loud. “It’s not your fault, Finn. None of this is your fault.”

“It is.” My voice cracked as I spoke. “I should have fought back. I let it happen.” I hung my own head, feeling too ashamed to look either one of them in the eye. The secret that had eaten away at me over the years had finally destroyed my life. Nothing would be the same after this. I had lost everything.

“You were a kid. A teenager. Mate, I feel guilty myself. I should’ve knocked him the fuck out or at least tried to tell someone for you.” Brandon was trying to reach out to me, give me hope, but it was too little too late.

“I didn’t do enough.” He clucked his tongue as I said that, but I knew I spoke the truth. “And even if you had told someone or tried to help, it wouldn’t have made any difference. It had already happened. The damage was done.” Brandon breathed heavily through his nose and shook his head in disagreement. “I feel disgusted with myself. I’m disgusting. What kind of guy lets that happen to him?” I wrapped my arms around myself and backed up into the corner.

“Don’t say that,” Effy cried, coming over to me and bending down as I sank low against the wall to sit on the floor.

“Don’t touch me.” I flinched, pulling away from her kind embrace that I didn’t deserve. Like the coward I was, I buried my head in my hands to hide the tears I didn’t want her to see.

“No. Don’t do that, Finn. Don’t push me away.” She put her arms around me despite what I’d said, and then when she realised I wasn’t going to move, she pulled at my arms, trying to get me to uncover my face.

Eventually, I looked up at her with a wet, pitiful expression and I said, “Do you really want to be with someone who’s let that happen to them? Someone weak like me?”

“You’re not weak and you didn’t let it happen.” The empathy and understanding that shone from her beautiful face made my splintered heart ache even more. “Something terrible, awful, happened to you, but it’s not your fault and it doesn’t define you. If I told you I’d been raped, would you think I was weak?”

“No, but––”

“It’s no different, Finn. And you need to face this. You’ve buried it and let it fester away and hurt you for too long. Let me help you. I want to help.”

It had festered for too long, buried so deeply into my psyche that I wasn’t sure I’d ever be free of it. Her optimism did something though, a ripple of hope on a tidal wave of desperation. I wanted to cling to her. Find my way to the light, through her.

“But I’m scared that I’ll never be able to deal with it, Eff. I can’t bear to think about it,” I said, cutting myself open to metaphorically bleed at her feet. I was being as honest as I could be in that moment. As honest as my shattered pride would let me.

She cupped my face in her hands and feeling her warmth, seeing the love in her eyes, it broke me.

“With time and love, we’ll work out a way for you to cope. You can get through this. You’re stronger than you think. You have me by your side. I’ll always be here… and Brandon…”