Renegade Hearts (Rebels of Sandland 1)

Mum laughed a proper, full belly laugh and I couldn’t help but chuckle too. Danny loved a prank.

“Were the coins glued all over the cafeteria floor your handy work too?” I asked, feeling less on edge with the way this conversation was going. I loved hearing about Danny.

Ryan huffed out a low laugh. “Yep. Me and Danny spent hours gluing those fu… Things down all over the place.” He corrected himself, shooting a look my mother’s way. “Watching people trying to pick them up kept us amused for ages.”

“You like your games, don’t you, Ryan?” I said, making sure he knew the meaning behind my statement.

That easy going persona he’d slipped into faded and I felt his guard go up. “The flare set off during the leaver’s assembly was nothing to do with us though. That was all on Brandon,” Ryan said through gritted teeth, throwing my pointed stare straight back at me.

I’d heard about the legendary flare incident. A hall full of year-elevens and their parents, mine included, listening to the head teacher tell everyone what a stellar year they’d all had, and some dickhead set off a flare, covering everyone and everything in a cloud of purple shit, ruining the whole afternoon. The smoke alarms went off and we all had to evacuate the school. The police were called, but there was no CCTV in that part of the building, so no one was ever held accountable for shitting all over everyone else’s day. It wasn’t like the Renaissance men would ever rat out one of their own. Typical Brandon, act first think later. He was a bloody liability even back then.

“I remember that. It was awful. Your father never did get the stains out of his suit.” Mum scoffed and then her expression mellowed. “Ryan, would you like to see Danny’s room?”

I almost choked on my Diet Coke. What the hell was she thinking, inviting someone else into Danny’s bedroom? I went in there most days to sit on the windowsill and think about him, but to everyone el

se that room had always been off limits. Mum wouldn’t even let the cleaners in there. We dusted it ourselves. Not that it needed dusting. It was immaculate. We kept it like a shrine to him. Not a thing had changed in that room since the day he left us.

“I’d be honoured,” Ryan answered taking me totally by surprise.

Mum stood up and walked out to the hallway and I followed behind Ryan.

“This is really kind of you, Mrs Winters. I’ve missed seeing him, as a friend. It’d be nice to feel close to him again.” Ryan was saying all the right words, but I wasn’t sure how honest they were. Did he really want to connect with Danny? Was this all a ruse to get to me? Or was I totally overthinking a nice gesture from my brother’s friend? Probably the latter. I wasn’t great at reading people at the best of times.

“We haven’t changed anything. We’ve even left the can of Coke on the bedside table that he was drinking before he went out that day.” Mum was right. We couldn’t even bring ourselves to get rid of a damn can. It was empty of course. A bit like our family home since he’d gone.

“It was his favourite drink,” Ryan added, and my heart skipped.

Yes, it was.

Maybe Ryan knew him better than I’d realised? Danny drank Coke like most people drink water, even when he went out for the night. It was why we’d all been so shocked to find out he’d been drunk-driving when he had the accident. Danny didn’t usually touch alcohol. It wasn’t his style. Well, we thought it wasn’t. But what did we know?

Ryan picked up a picture frame from Danny’s desk, a photograph of the four of us; Mum and Dad at the back, and Danny and me standing in front of them. Dad had his arms wrapped around my shoulders and Mum was hugging Danny from behind. Ryan smiled and tilted the photo our way and I heard the sob catch in my mother’s throat.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this,” she cried, covering her mouth and running out of the room. I suppose she’d made progress. Usually, she could only stand at the doorway before she fled. At least today she’d stepped over the threshold.

“I’m sorry.” Ryan looked regretful and placed the frame back down with a gentleness I didn’t know he possessed. “I didn’t mean to upset your mum.”

“Don’t worry about it. That’s the most emotion she’s shown in months. It’ll do her good to act like a human for a while.” I felt guilty the minute those words came out of my mouth, but I couldn’t take them back. The woman had lost her son, her eldest child. I didn’t have any right to be bitter, and I felt like an asshole, so I sat down on the windowsill and sighed.

“Must be a laugh a minute in your house.” Ryan gave me a sympathetic smile.

“It could be worse. I shouldn’t complain. I have nothing to complain about. Apart from losing my brother, but then, all families have their sadness. Mine is no different.”

I wasn’t fishing for sympathy. If anything, I wanted a lifeline out of the sea of despair that me and Mum had drowned ourselves in over the last few months. I wanted to live my life. I knew if Danny was here, he’d be telling me to do just that, but sometimes it was hard. Like trying to wade through treacle every day.

Some days were easier than others, but every day that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach was what I woke up to. I think that’s why I’d been drawn to the whole illegal party scene that Ryan and the others offered. It helped to numb the pain and gave me another focus.

“I know it hurts. I can see it in your eyes. Let me help you,” Ryan said, taking small tentative steps towards me.

“I think it’s best you leave.” I stood up, not able to look him in the eye, and walked over to the door, holding it open to show him his morbid little tour had come to an end.

“When my mum died, there were days when I couldn’t even get out of bed. None of us could.”

I held my breath. I knew Ryan was sharing something sacred with me now, and as much as I wanted him to leave, I wanted to know more.

“My dad didn’t shower or get dressed for weeks. The garage lost customers and we almost went under. It was awful. Three boys and my dad, all left to fend for ourselves. You can imagine what a shit-show that was.”

I nodded, but my mouth had gone dry. I couldn’t speak.