I thought about going to see Effy or Liv, but I didn’t feel right unloading all of this hurt onto them. The burden of grief and hatred was a heavy one. So, I opted to go to the one place I knew I wouldn’t find any judgement. A place I’d actively avoided for months because denial was easier to bear than acceptance.
“Hey, bro.” I tugged at the tufts of grass that the mower in the cemetery hadn’t reached when cutting around his marble headstone and then brushed my fingers over the carving of his name. Even now, seeing his name written there, it didn’t feel real.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here in… Well, forever. I just find it so hard. There isn’t a minute of the day that I don’t think about you. I carry you with me, always. But here…” I looked around the eerily quiet graveyard where the sentiment of my words were only felt by the birds and the breeze. “Here it’s too much. Too final. Sometimes, when I wake up, I forget about what happened and just for a split second I don’t remember anything. It’s like you’re still here with us. Everything is as it should be. But then my brain kicks in and it all goes downhill from there.”
I felt a tear trickle down my face, the first of many to follow.
“Dan, I found out what happened today when you had the accident. I’m so sorry that I didn’t do more to clear your name. Thinking about what Dad did, how he used your death to promote himself, it makes me sick. I thought we had shit parents. Guess that was the understatement of the century. But I can’t shake the feeling that we all let you down; Dad, Mum and me. I knew in my gut… I knew you hadn’t taken anything. I knew you didn’t drink. Why did I let them pull the wool over my eyes like that? I should’ve fought harder.”
I lay down on the ground next to his grave and stroked my fingers through the soft grass that covered my brother.
“Not everyone gave up on you though, Danny. Ryan fought for you. I know you’re probably looking down on us and cursing him, maybe me too, for how close we’ve become. You always were over-protective, but he’s a good guy. He did a really shitty thing today, not telling me about the stuff with Dad, but the more I think about it, the more I can see why he didn’t. I think Finn was right. I would’ve stopped him, and your truth needed to be told. Everyone knows now. They know you’re innocent. You weren’t driving. I think Dad’s gonna go to prison. Not just because of you, Dan, but he was laundering money too. Looks like Mum and me are going to be moving to new digs soon. I don’t care though. I hate him. I never want to see our father again. He doesn’t deserve to be called that.” I sighed. The emotions of today were like a boulder in my stomach and it crippled me.
“God, I miss you.”
I hiccupped as an image of Danny doing his ridiculous diving into the pool during our last summer holidays flickered into my mind. He’d always do anything to make me smile. He pissed me off every day too, usually by hogging the T.V. remote or being an arse, but isn’t that what all brothers do? Mine was the best. He’d belch in my face then smother me with hugs, making me go from fuming to giggling in a nanosecond. I’d give anything to have that again.
“Dad had another family,” I said with zero emotion behind the words. When it came to that truth, I felt like a robot going through the motions, but refusing to open up to the reality of what it meant. “He has a daughter, Dan. She’s the same age as me. Did you know? What am I saying, of course you didn’t. You’d have told me if you did. You’d have kicked his ass too for doing that to Mum.”
I lifted myself up and sat cross-legged at the side of his grave and picked a few daisies out of the ground, giving my trembling hands something to do.
“I heard three truths today. They say bad luck comes in threes. Mine came hurtling towards me like giant bowling balls. Each one was fired by them, Dan. Ryan was a part of that and I want to be angry at him, fuck, I am angry at him, but I… I love him, Dan, and I don’t know what to do. Do I walk away? Turn my back on something that could be the best thing to ever happen to me? Or do I stand firm? Show them they can’t knock me down like that. Do I fight for him? For us? I’m so confused. Everything’s gone to shit, and I feel like I’m losing everything; you, Mum, Dad, and now Ryan. It’s too much.”
I took a deep breath to try and calm my raging thoughts.
“What would you say if you were here? What would you tell me to do?”
I closed my eyes and imagined Danny was standing right in front of me. I knew him as well as anybody and I wanted to tap into his mind. Pull out the wisdom he’d give me if he were here.
I felt the wetness on my cheeks seep into the collar of my hoodie, but I let them flow. I needed to. Tonight, all the hurt from when Danny died had been reopened. My pain was as real now as it had been on the morning that we’d got that life changing call.
“Em, what have I always told you? Our parents are basket cases, but we are not our parents. What Dad did was fucked-up, and let’s not kid ourselves, Mum will forgive him. She always does. No matter what shit he puts her through, she takes it. She’s blind when it comes to him. We are not.
“When I was there I always tried to play all the roles for you. The annoying older brother, the father figure who actually stuck around and gave you some ground rules, and the mother’s ear you never got from her. I hate that I’m not there to do that anymore. But I haven’t left you, Em. I’ll never leave you. I see you when you need me. I hear the words you say and the ones you don’t. When you feel so broken that you can’t carry on, I’m there, Em, putting my arms around you to hold you up. But you know what? I haven’t had to do that as much lately. Not since Ryan took that role from me. I’m not gonna lie, he wouldn’t have been my first choice for you. I knew he had a thing for you. He’d ask about you constantly and he couldn’t take his eyes off you whenever you were around. I ignored it. I had to. He was my best mate and as much as I’d wanted to knock him out, I knew he was a good guy. If you chose him, then that was between the both of you. As long as he’d make you happy, that was all that mattered to me.
“Ems, what he did wasn’t against you. It was against our dad. It was a smack in the face to the injustice that shouldn’t go unnoticed. Dad doesn’t deserve to get away with what he did, and Ryan was strong enough to stand up for that. Em, you need to thank him, not bury the guy. If I know Ryan, and I think I do, he’ll be feeling a million times worse than you could ever imagine. That dude acts like he’s a tough-nut, but he’s a softie at heart. Ask him to tell you about Battlefield, I think it might surprise you.
“So, little sis, I guess what I’m trying to tell you in my rambling incoherent way is, you need to go easier on yourself, and Ryan too. He loves you. I know you love him. Life’s short. Take the happiness where you can. Hold onto it so tightly you feel dizzy from that shit. I want my sister to enjoy her life. And if he fucks up, dump his ass, but he won’t. Let him be the strength you need when you’re too tired from holding it all together. I know you’ll do the same for him when the time comes, and it will. Lose the guilt. Let it go. Imagine me dressed as Elsa singing that to you and when you’ve finished laughing, listen again and do it. I love you, Em. I’m only ever a heartbeat away.”
I fell onto the ground sobbing. I had no idea where all that had come from. That whole conversation I’d just made
up in my head had exhausted and reawakened me at the same time.
I sucked in a breath, realising I needed to see Ryan. I wanted to be with him. I was in love with him and I had to make it work. My family lay in tatters at my feet, my name was mud and my feelings shredded to nothing. But the positives in my life had to win. My friends, my courage to survive, and my love for a man who, in the short space of time that we’d been together, had done nothing but stand up for me, with Chase, with my family. Whenever I’d needed him, he’d been there. I wouldn’t get over what had happened overnight. I’d still harbour some anger towards him for not telling me first, but I understood his reasons. Now, I wanted to move forward with him by my side.
I looked down at my lap and saw the little daisy chain I’d made. I smiled and hung it off the corner of Danny’s gravestone.
“Next time I’ll bring some proper flowers. For now, you can have my daisy chain. I know how much you loved having those planted in your hair when we were kids.” I stood up and smoothed my hands down my jeans. “See you later, bro. I love you.”
I pulled my phone out of my pocket, but after lighting up it showed me I had one percent charge, and powered off. So, I went back to the community centre, thinking maybe I’d find Ryan there. The police were taking statements and the crowds from earlier had died down, but the boys were nowhere to be seen. I turned to leave and that’s when I noticed Kian in the corner of the room, trying not to draw attention to himself. When he saw me he flinched and then reluctantly he made his way over.
“I’m so sorry, Em.” He held both of his hands up as he walked towards me, then stopped and in a low voice he asked me, “Are you okay?”
I wasn’t ready to go another round with anyone else about what had gone down tonight, so I cut right to the chase. “Where’s Ryan?”
“He’s not here. Finn told him you saw everything, and he bolted. The rest of them left soon after. It’s been a shit-show, Em. They’ve arrested your dad.”
I didn’t give a shit about him. I wanted to know where Ryan was. I was exhausted enough without having to drain the truth out of Kian yet again.