Chapter Sixteen
Tears running down her cheeks, Eugenia pulled on her only dress.
Using the fine towels from the captain’s bathroom, she blotted up the mess of urine. Urine that smelled of an unwell person.
Do no harm. The first rule in medicine.
Yet she had harmed Brooke. The advice had been well-meant. Eugenia had only suggested the exact same course she intended to follow once she made an escape: follow the map to Fresh Water.
Where John would have sold her to a far more hideous fate than serving drunken, horny men.
Over the years, all the credit she’d given herself for being smarter than everyone else. All the abuses she’d eluded.
Sheer. Dumb. Luck.
Spirited, determined Brooke was broken… Eugenia would have been broken too.
Was breaking.
A fissure ran through her spirit; it had been eating at her for years. Growing wider with each encounter, deepening with each escape. An aching throb of emptiness and loneliness that was only held together by tattered bits of hope.
And lies.
All the lies she told to herself so she might stumble through another day.
There was no good place. There was only survival or death.
There were only men who pushed too hard and stole pieces off the gameboard. Who broke the rules and twisted the sport. Men who were willing to subject dead women in living bodies to the trauma of pregnancy and childbirth they didn’t want.
As if humanity deserved a fresh start. As if the transgression would disappear with a smiling new generation raised by mothers locked on Level 9. Children devoid of fathers like Neil who only wanted to hold their offspring.
Neil who Eugenia knew had fathered at least one of the babies on the ship. He wouldn’t have grieved the loss of holding a baby so much if he hadn’t.
She hadn’t known him well, but he’d seemed like a good man. Yet outside the ship, good men changed. They mutilated the genitals of women for reasons Eugenia couldn’t e
ven begin to grasp.
Even the captain’s leashed men slipped. He’d had to put them down, he’d said.
The lock clicked, the door opening… Eugenia still cleaning up pee, grieving a million different things at once.
Brooke’s mutilated mouth, her glassy-eyed stare… the reason her friend walked with so pronounced a limp. The unbearable guilt for thinking she’d find salvation in saving Brooke.
For knowing that as much as she hated it here, it was better than anything she’d ever found out there. “I’ll never love you. If you got me pregnant, I’ll find a way to not be anymore.”
Eugenia was poison.
Living in such close quarters, she had gotten to know the women on Level 15—the ship the closest thing she had to family in six years. And she couldn’t bear it. She could not bear knowing she’d fed into their desire for freedom they’d never have.
She knew the men. She’d laughed with them, mocked them, yelled at them, belittled them for her own amusement.
She’d grown dependent on Aaron for mental stimulation and a sense of normality. She’d had sex with him and given over to the act. Enjoyed it even after she grasped how he’d tricked her.
Aaron who had no pity left. “Fine. Take off your dress. Get up on the bed. All fours. Don’t look at me.”
His disappointments weighed down upon her back, as if he’d been saving it all up for that moment. The pain of it felt… familiar, because this new world hurt.
Or maybe at heart she was a masochist. Either way, Eugenia deserved what was coming. Which was why she was already lifting the two-day-old blue dress over her head. Which was why she went to the bed as if stumbling through a dream and assumed the position every Level 15 girl knew by heart.