‘And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.’ She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, then reopened them. ‘It’s OK. To be honest, I hadn’t realised myself how much it would still affect me. It’s silly, really. I just have a vividly overactive imagination. My grandfather loved swimming in the sea. Really loved it. But it terrified me. We’d often go to the coast on weekends and I’d watch him go out further and further, getting smaller and smaller, and I’d get more and more scared. Because I realised that the sea didn’t understand or care that he was one of only two people I had in the world to look after me. I would imagine the sea as the enemy, luring him away from me, away from the shore until he wouldn’t be able to get back.’
Her arms wrapped defensively over her stomach, as if she could feel the same twist of hollow dread now.
The image hit his brain with shocking clarity. A young Gabby sitting on a beach, watching, dreading, hoping... And, given the loss of her parents, her fear would have had a horrible validity—her reliance on her grandparents must have been absolute.
‘But he came back,’ he said gently.
‘Yes, he did. Every time. It should have made the anxiety lessen, but it didn’t. Each time I figured the probability had increased that this time would be the one when it all went tragic. I’d make so many bargains in my head. If he comes back, I’ll give up chocolate...make straight As... I never told him how scared I was because I knew how much he loved swimming in the sea and I didn’t want to spoil it for him.’ She reached for her cup. ‘I’d changed his life enough.’
The last words had been said so softly he suspected she wasn’t even aware she’d spoken the thought aloud.
‘Anyway—lesson learnt. The sea is not for me.’
‘Maybe.’ Zander leant forward. ‘But perhaps your fear was that you would lose your grandfather, not a fear of the sea per se.’
‘Perhaps. But the bottom line is I can live without surfing quite happily. My life won’t be blighted if I don’t book myself in for a lesson.’
‘I understand that, but your life might well be enhanced if you do.’
‘Why does this matter to you?’
‘Because fear is debilitating. I spent my whole childhood afraid that I was stupid, scared of books and of being found out. For years I devised strategies so that people would think I could read. If I hadn’t been so scared I think I would have asked for help. If there is one thing I’ve learnt it’s that I don’t like being scared and that fear can change you. Facing fear can change your life. I’m not saying surfing will change your life, but in some ways not being afraid of the sea will make your life better.’
‘How?’
‘Let’s say you’ve met Mr Right and one day you’re on the beach with him and your two kids. Do you want to pass your fear on, or do you want to swim with your family in the sea?’
Gabby narrowed her eyes. ‘No fair.’
‘The end justifies the means. Come on, Gabby. Book us both a surfing lesson for later today. Then let’s go down to the beach and have a go at swimming in the sea.’
‘Now?’
‘Yup. There’s no time like the present.’
Panic widened her eyes and she shook her head. ‘Hang on. If I have to move out of my comfort zone, so do you.’
‘OK. Name it. What do you want me to do?’ Even as he spoke the words he had a vague inkling of their stupidity.
‘You take a real holiday. No more work.’
The tables had turned so fast he hadn’t seen the edges coming for him. ‘I can’t do that.’
‘Why not? Would your whole business collapse if you took a break?’
Again, put like that it sounded absurd, and yet the idea of no work... It scared him.
Her lips tipped in the tiniest of smirks. ‘If the idea scares you, you should face up to that fear. Or we can give up on the whole idea. You work—I stay clear of the sea. Deal?’
Zander hesitated. Work kept him sane, gave him purpose, satisfied his need for success. It was his drive. But it was nuts that the idea of a break scared him. Time to put his money where his mouth was and face the fear down.
‘No. No way. I’ll take a break and you’ll swim in the sea and then we are going to surf. Deal?’
Silence and then she nodded. ‘Deal.’
‘And...’ Whilst he was at it he would face down the fear of spending time with Gabby, too—the fear that he couldn’t control the attraction factor. ‘If I’m taking a break, then maybe we could spend some time together. As friends.’
‘Friends?’