Exodus (The Ravenhood)

“I can still remember Papa putting a voice to his big dreams. His plans for us, the way he advocated for this place, willing us all to imagine along with him, in this new world, this new life he so believed in, that turned and robbed him of his every dream, of his life. So when I lost them, I pushed the world away. I trusted no one. I was so angry that I shut myself off completely. And the more I learned about the world he believed in, the people he blindly trusted, put his faith in, the angrier I got.” He watches me carefully. “My purpose began to change as the years passed. I made no room for anything else. And since, I’ve been doing exactly what I set out to do. Every plan I made here, I put into motion. Every decision I made here, I made happen.” He turns to me. “Yet somewhere along the way, I forgot to look around, look up, to focus anywhere but on my task. I got so determined to see my own plans through. I tainted this place. I shared it for the sole reason of carrying out my purpose. After a few years, it was no longer my sanctuary because my ambitions had turned it into a war zone. That’s why I like your view. You’re seeing it right now, the way I saw it for the first time.”

He takes another healthy sip of wine as I absorb his words and decide to offer some of my own.

“I believe in fate,” I declare, “I truly do. I felt it earlier today in that boardroom. I was at my most vulnerable as well when something clicked inside of me. It was like a voice I’ve never heard. And for a few seconds, I saw my future so clearly, so vividly. I don’t at all think it’s a coincidence that I came to Triple Falls, or that I’ve had the experiences I’ve had in the last year. It was like all of the hell I’ve gone through made sense specifically for that one moment.” I turn to him. “Not long ago, you asked me what I was going to do, and today I saw it.”

He fixes his attention on the ground and nods before we collectively sip more wine.

“You’re so young,” he looks over to me before pulling a piece of hair free from where it’s stuck on my lip. I open my mouth to object, but he presses a finger to it to silence me. “I don’t mean that in a condescending way. But when you live long enough, you won’t see things as absolute, the way you do now. You’ve got simple solutions for complicated problems. But the more you learn, the more jaded you’ll become. The more you’ll question your decisions, regret some of your choices. Just don’t let them change you. Don’t ever forget the way you felt in the boardroom today. No matter how much life you live.”

“I won’t.”

He bites his lip briefly before he speaks.

“I don’t regret it you know, I really don’t. I helped Dominic with his homework. I got my first job at fourteen bagging groceries so he had a new bike on Christmas morning.” He lifts his knees and drapes his forearms on them. “I made it my mission to try and rear him like Papa would. To give him everything I could. I can still remember so clearly the day I taught him how to shave. I was honored when he asked me.” He smiles, really smiles. “He hadn’t hit his second growth spurt, so he was a full foot shorter than me.”

“So, you were more of a father than a brother,” I conclude.

“I wanted it,” he quickly adds. “I did. Beau was a good man. And I wanted to give Dominic as much of his father as I could. I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. I just…”

Guilt. I can feel it oozing from his frame, along with all that he’s not saying. He lost his own life raising his brother and setting his plans into motion. He doesn’t seem to know who he is without his purpose.

And that’s when I know we’re both lost in a similar way.

I’d pegged him as well as he had me.

Because in that respect, we are a lot alike.

It occurs to me that the night he broke me down, ripped my life apart so intimately, it wasn’t because he knew the details, it’s because he understood the sacrifice. We both have, and still are putting off our own lives to take care of the people we love. He’s just been doing it far longer than I have.

“Dominic and Sean are the only two people I’ve ever fully trusted.” He runs his thick fingers through the grass. “It’s not their fault.” He shakes his head. “I get that. They didn’t know how much it would…”

“Hurt,” I finish for him. “How much it would hurt you.”

“But that’s not on them. It’s on me. I expected them to be just as dedicated on every level…I expected too much.”

Never in a million years would I dream of seeing his side of things. Never did I want an explanation. Never did I want to see his black heart start to beat red. But it’s here I understand him, his logic, and even worse, I empathize.

“You still trust them, Tobias. And you know you can.”

“I do trust them—with my life. But I just…I was jealous.” He takes a sip of wine and glances at me. “I still am.”

“Tobias, you can change it. Right now. You can make a decision—”

I shift my gaze to his, but the look he’s returning has my tongue going dry, the words failing me. Swallowing, I tear my eyes away as I draw steadying breaths.

“I have a place,” his tone is faint. “It’s near Saint-Jean-de-Luz. My biological father took me there when I was very young. It’s only a flash, an image of being there, being happy. That’s it—a blink. But I went back a few years after I graduated college, and I felt it. It’s the only other place on the planet I’ve felt as at peace as I have here. So, as soon as I could afford it, I bought a piece of paradise right on the water and began building. It was finished a year ago, and I haven’t set foot in it.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t deserve it.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“No. It’s still a dream, and it’s untouched. It’s my finish line. I have to earn it to get there. I’m not done yet. But, if I’m being honest, I’m scared of going there.”

“Why?”

“Because when this is over, I’m going to have to find a way to live with myself, with the things I’ve done. The things I’ll continue to do. Because this is my only plan.”