Someone Else's Ocean

“Okay, Koti, listen,” Jasmine said softly “everything is okay.”

My body shook uncontrollably as I continued to try to yank my hand away. She stood undeterred. “Breathe, one, two, three…”

Pound. Pound. Pound.

“The door is open!” Jasmine yelled while she kept me captive in her stare and instruction.

“Please let me go.”

“Can you walk over to the couch?”

I pulled away from her as the medic emerged from the patio door and eyed us.

Jasmine, still engaging me fully, nodded toward the chair that held Mr. Harper. The man rushed to his side as his partner looked at me. I averted my eyes as I breathed in again trying to calm myself.

“Panic attack,” she mouthed to the second medic.

Instantly furious but unable to control my breathing or the shaking, I took steady breaths and let Jasmine walk me to the couch. “Sit tight, okay. I’ll take care of this.”

“It’s my worse fear,” I said, hot tears trailing down my face.

“I know.”

She picked up my hand and kissed it before she gently pushed me back into the cushions.

“I’ll be right back.”

“Jasmine,” I pleaded knowing I was making a fool of myself.

“I’ll be right back, Koti.”

I drew my knees up as my body quaked and took breaths until the fatigue set in.

“I’M SORRY,” I SAID, STARING at the mismatched houses that flew by us as Jasmine drove us to the office a short time later.

“Stop.”

“I’m so embarrassed,” I admitted.

“Stop it,” Jasmine said firmly.

“Why can’t I just make jokes like you or throw up like normal people?”

She let out a loud laugh. “You think I’m normal? Babe, please. My mother was a nurse. Her calm reaction would have made us both look crazy.”

“I feel crazy.”

“You are a little bit. That’s how you deal with things. I make jokes. Who knows what other people would have done in that situation.”

“Stop trying to make me feel better.” My limbs ached. I could barely keep my eyes open. “Why do you even deal with me?”

“Trade-off, you save me right back. I’m pretty selfish. That’s how this works.”

I let out a long breath and turned down the radio she’d just turned on.

“Where did he go, when he died, where did he go?”

“I don’t know.”