“Of course, you can take the day. I to
ld you that on the phone.”
“I had to get out of there for a little while. I need to prepare.”
Her eyes rolled over me in concern. “You think it will be that bad?”
“I do, but I’m tired of running away from the conversation. It’s time.”
“Well, call me if you need me. I’ll drop everything.” She gave me a quick hug before the phone rang. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her what happened with Ian. To wait around and see what she had to say on the matter, but inside I knew the truth. He’d laid it out for me and I knew it. I’d be asking Jasmine to give me hope, which would be pointless. He would never be mine to love.
On the porch with my parents later that day, my mother sat expectantly. “So, you won’t come back and you’re determined to stay here? Why?”
Ian had made himself scarce as promised and I couldn’t help my wandering eyes as I searched the beach every so often for a sign of him. The renters had left that morning and I was sure he’d resumed residence at his house.
“I’m happy here.”
“You’re wasting your life,” she argued, “your potential.”
“I’m saving my fucking life,” I snapped before my father shot me a warning look.
“Easy, Koti.”
I swallowed the knot in my throat. “I’m happy here. Why can’t that mean anything?”
She glanced at my dad for backup and got none. I could already see the war brewing that she would wage on him later.
“It does mean something. It means a lot that you’ve finally pulled yourself together and now you can come back swinging.”
“This isn’t a resurrection, Mother. I’m not coming back for another round, I’ve accepted defeat as far as that goes and I wish you would too. I can’t hack it out there, not in that world and not in that atmosphere. I have limitations, and I’m learning to deal with them.”
“I can’t believe you’re hiding behind that excuse,” she said incredulously. “We all have our stresses.”
“You’ve talked to my therapist, Mom. You know I have it a little bit harder than that.”
“It’s an excuse.”
I was on my feet instantly. “You have no idea what it’s like to feel like you’re drowning while life goes on around you, while people smile like they don’t have a care in the world, while you’re struggling to breathe! You have no idea!”
My mother bared her teeth. “Calm down.”
I took a deep breath. “That’s just it, Mother,” I said with defeat, my bones aching from the emotions she stirred. “Sometimes I can’t calm down until I’m so weak I can’t move. You made an imperfect daughter—deal with it already. I’m tired of trying to explain it to you.”
She looked at my father for more backup and he finally stepped in.
“Blair, listen to her. She’s happy.”
She shot daggers at him. “We agreed.”
“We also agreed to hear her out.” My father let out a heavy sigh as he looked over to me. His rehearsed question coming out as an obligation. “You won’t even consider coming back?”
“No, Dad. I love New York but it’s too hard for me. I won’t go back to live in a place I can’t breathe in. This is my life. I’m happy with it. The sooner you two accept it, the better.”
“I’m selling this house,” my mother stated plainly. “You can hide somewhere else.”
“I was hiding in New York, Mom. This is who I am.”
“We spent all that money on education, prep schools, what the hell was the point?” She argued, ruthlessly reminding me of the trouble she’d gone through to raise me.